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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH left for best friend!

22 replies

madabout · 03/07/2007 14:23

After 18 years of marriage and having been together for 25 years my OH has left me for my best friend. I can honestly say I didn't have a clue that he was so unhappy and thought we were having the best year of your lives so far!

He now wants a divorce and says he should have left a long time ago!

We have two children (aged 6 and 13) and he is saying that I have to pay him to come and see them. Is this correct?

whilst my heart would have him back (well the man he was not the one I am seeing now) my head knows I can't.

I have seen a solicitor but wondered how anyone else has coped with this?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 03/07/2007 14:24

You have to pay him to come and see his own kids ??? - hmmmm has he had a stroke I don't bloody think so

TheArmadillo · 03/07/2007 14:24

"We have two children (aged 6 and 13) and he is saying that I have to pay him to come and see them. Is this correct?"

I would seriously doubt that. They are his children too.

I'm sorry to hear this and hopefully someone will be along soon to offer advice.

QueenofBleach · 03/07/2007 14:25

Is he sying that he is going to have the children or that if you want him to see them you need to pay him?

either way get a solicitor ASAP, as this ounds it could get difficult

Big hugs

RGPargy · 03/07/2007 14:26

So sorry to hear of this, madabout. As for paying him to see his kids, that sounds like an effin' cop out to me!! The cheek of it!!! Makes me soooo angry when blokes muck their kids around!

I know it will be hard for a while, but do try and keep your chin up and know that you deserve so much better than what he could ever give you.

binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 14:27

what an arse

TigerFeet · 03/07/2007 14:31

You have to pay him? I don't think so.

Are they staying with you?

scorpio1 · 03/07/2007 14:35

no, its not right that you pay him! don't do it, he has to pay to see them and for upkeep.

make sure you get money off him for maintenence-there is a calculator on the CSA website, for an estimate.

sorry, no more help. keep your chin up

Original poster

madabout · 03/07/2007 15:01

The children are living with me. I have picked up all the joint bills and so far have not had a penny from him. In fact he has taken money from his girlfriend which she owed me as expenses for fuel to come and collect his children!

Very sad when someone you thought was honourable turns out this way.

He even took the rice krispies out of the cupboard as they didn't have breakfast cereal when he took my daughter to stay at his new house.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 03/07/2007 15:04

Erm, I never heard of anyone (sane) expecting expenses to visit their own children! He should be paying you towards their upkeep.

See a solicitor, sharpish.

ValnBen · 03/07/2007 16:18

My twunt of an ex deducts ?travelling expenses? from DS?s maintenance payments.(50 quid a month). But he does pay maintenance and sees him regularly so decided it wasn?t worth the fight.
DS will see that his father made him pay for the privilege of seeing him when he?s older and can make his own mind up about it. (the maint payments go into a trust fund for DS each month so he will see that the payments were reduced at the time he decided he didn?t want to go to daddy?s house anymore ? long travel (3 hours) ? if he asks me why, I will not cover for ex)

Sorry you are having to go through this madabout - I really don't know what happens to men when they leave their partners and children. They enter some kind of unfathomable universe I think!!!
Don't let him get to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2007 21:30

The girlfriend may well get sick of being used as a bank account before long too. Then he won't have either of you.

Leilel · 05/07/2007 16:42

OP i can sympathise with you! I think im repeating the sound advice of other posters when i say: SOLICITOR quick!!!!!

This ex of yours is behaving in an incredibly selfish way. Do his kids just amount to a monetary value? Well clearly they do.

He is stabbing himself in the foot with this attitude, it makes him look a right bastard. His childish behaviour will not do him any favours later if this comes to a divorce procedure.

Leilel · 05/07/2007 16:46

have you tried the child support agencys online maintanence calculator? Itll give you a ball park minimum figure that HE IS SUPPOSED TO PAY YOU towards their upkeep.

The amounts that absent parents are expected to pay towards the kids they fathered are pretty measly. but its the minimum required in law. (they get off lightly)

Leilel · 05/07/2007 16:47

oh, i see, youve seen a solicitor, good one!

hesta · 05/07/2007 16:58

I can't believe I'm reading this. you should pay him to see his own children. what an utter utter total bollocks of a man. I'm sorry but I am so indignant at your expense that I cannot think of anything constructive to say. except perhaps talk to your former bf however galling it may be, she might actaully be as disgusted and horrified at his suggestions as other normal sane people. have to go and calm down

Leilel · 07/07/2007 18:21

he sounds like a right bastard!

peanutbear · 07/07/2007 18:33

er sounds like great friend and a complete tosser of a dh and as for you paying him to see the children he pays you maintenance regardless of wether he sees the children and I believe unless you come to a amicable agreement he has to pick them up and drop them off at a location to suit you

If they are this shitty go get a good solicitor and take him for every single penny you can including the house to live in until your kids leave home

Leilel · 09/07/2007 16:37

peanutbear, im interested in what you were saying (in your last post) about getting the house to live in til the kids leave home. I wondered if you had any personal experience of this? I was wondering how understanding the courts are these days towards a mother and kids who want and need to stay in their home, but theres divorce on the cards so things are very uncertain. (i have a personal interest in this cos of the circumstances i find myself in at the moment). Hope you see this message.

NKF · 09/07/2007 16:44

You poor poor thing. You need a good solicitor and a good circle of friends. I wish you all the best.

Tinkerbel5 · 11/07/2007 14:33

sorry about the split madabout, but you dont pay him anything, he pays you for the upkeep of the children. Csa calculations will be 20% of his pay, if you have any joint accounts get them frozen and get his name off them, the same with any credit cards, also inform the council and get your 25% discount, if he wants a divorce then let him pay for it, good luck

egghead · 01/09/2007 02:29

Just read your message - my partner left me in February after 11 years for my best friend also - we have 1 daughter who is just 5 - he has acted awfully throughout - and still does not understand that he has done something so vile and as for her - well - I just dont want her anywhere near my daughter - as she has done enough damage taking her father away from her.

I know exactly how you feel - it is the most awful situation and one I did not ever envisage being in.

I hope that you are ok - and have had legal advice. For sure I know he does not get any money from you - it is the other way round.

estobi1 · 01/09/2007 07:13

I am so sorry to hear your news - what an awful thing to happen and how lame of him (and her). I think he has lost his mind saying you have to pay him to see the kids. Don't listen to him. People say terribly hurtful stupid things in breakup situations. Your solicitor will be able to confirm to you any financial liabilities but don't take any crap off him in the meantime.

It sounds like you have started to deal with the emotional break by accepting that you can't have him back which is good news.

Hopefully you will have a good soliciotr who will fight tooth and nail for you so that you can do your grieving whilst he or she does the hard faced thing on your behalf.

Good advice re stopping joint credit cards etc - it is something practical that you can do to stop him from bleeding you dry and helps to move you forward.

Good luck xxx

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