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Original poster

Meno - sex life

51 replies

Marybangle · 03/02/2019 14:46

Briefly at 'that age', meno and hormones, for the past 6 months made it clear to DH of 21 years that I dont want to have sex. DH has been sleeping on the sofa due to me need the bed to myself for the past 2 months, he has to get up at 6 anyway for work and is out before I get up. Hes obviously not happy with the lack of intimacy and us not sleeping together. I just dont feel like sex anymore and dont want to be intimate but its killing the marriage. Anyone have any suggestions?

I feel guilty because about 5 years ago I made him make the decision between coming off antidepressants and our marriage, it killed his sex drive and I found it difficult to not feel wanted. He eventually came off them and it helped at the time, but now Im expecting him to put up with the lack of sex in the marriage after having made such a fuss when he was suffering with depression. I feel like a right cow :(

OP posts:
CandyKitten · 03/02/2019 14:50

Why did you make him come off antidepressants? Obviously he was on them for a reason.. Confused

I’ll be honest. I don’t think I could remain with DP if he banished me to the sofa and told me he didn’t want sex/intimacy. It would break my heart and I’d feel massively rejected and unwanted.

However the menopause is a long way off for me so I can’t comment on how you’re feeling. I don’t have much advice I’m afraid, but I don’t think this is gunna do your marriage any good

Original poster
Marybangle · 03/02/2019 15:11

I havent banished him to the sofa to be horrible, I just dont feel like sex and have made that clear to him and explained how I feel. Ive told him its not to do with him, but its my body and like I say meno and hormones.

The antidepressants killed his sex drive, made things difficult in terms of intimacy, up til then we'd had no problems, but I couldnt cope with the feeling of not being wanted to not being able to turn him on. But now Im expecting him to put up with the same :(

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 03/02/2019 15:20

OP

Menopause is difficult but you aren't a completely helpless passanger. You know it isn't fair and is damaging your relationship. So, what are you doing about it, beyond just dumping on your DP and feeling guilty about it? What happens when he asks for a divorce or separation?

Hopoindown31 · 03/02/2019 15:23

My suggestion is see a GP and be frank about the impact this is having on your marriage.

I'd also get DH off the sofa quickly if I were you. It will be utterly humiliating for him and probably not doing his MH any good.

Original poster
Marybangle · 03/02/2019 15:29

I dont think he'd ask for a divorce or separation, we've talked about it and he insists he still loves me, which is a relief. I wouldnt want to lose him. But I didnt think it was fair to expect sex either when Im going through hell with the meno. I do feel guilty about him sleeping on the sofa, but at present its the only solution that works for both of us.

Ive considered hrt and have talked to the gp, but the risks scare me rigid. DH has been understanding which has helped a lot, but Im aware the current set-up is causing problems. If I could change it I would, I think that goes without saying :(

OP posts:
Gummybear14 · 03/02/2019 16:26

Making him come off of antidepressants was horrible.

Does any form of intimacy lead to him wanting sex?

You say that him sleeping on the sofa is the only solution that works for you both but that doesn't really seem true.

Iwantmychairback · 03/02/2019 16:32

As a short term solution, could you get two single beds in your bedroom? Then you have the intamacy of sharing a room but not a bed.

tinydancer88 · 03/02/2019 16:35

I don't understand why he has to sleep on the sofa because you don't want sex? Why can you not share a bed, or take turns on the sofa?

I appreciate we don't know the full story but the antidepressant thing sounds awful. That medication was obviously prescribed for a reason. I think you need to be more flexible - it sounds like your husband is being expected to adjust to you rather than it being mutual.

GreekDinner · 03/02/2019 16:41

Do you have high risk factors for HRT OP? If not then the risks are pretty low. I think refusing to try HRT when you insisted he come off ADs for the same reason is selfish. If I were him I'd feel pretty pissed off and uncared for tbh.

There's no need to be a martyr to the menopause, you might feel much better if you do something about it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/02/2019 16:45

But I didnt think it was fair to expect sex either when Im going through hell with the meno. I do feel guilty about him sleeping on the sofa, but at present its the only solution that works for both of us.

Was it fair of you to expect him to come off antidepressants because they lowered his sex drive and made you feel unwanted?

You need to find a compromise here, or be aware that you're asking him to put up with something that you weren't willing to put off with and it might mark the end of your marriage. I love my partner with all my heart, my world would be a much worse place without him, but I could not survive without intimacy at least, and realistically sex too.

I'm not saying you should have sex with him when you don't want to, nor share your bed, but you made him come off antidepressants for these exact reasons so you know how soul destroying it is.

Seaoftroubles · 03/02/2019 16:56

OP, I strongly recommend that you consider HRT, the risks are minimal, and there are many benefits. Have a look at the Menopause matters website which contains loads of information about Menopause and how to manage it, including all the types of HRT available. I am many years past the onset of Menopause ( you are never over it, you are in menopause for the rest of your life ) and am still on a low dose HRT. l wouldn't be without it!

TacoLover · 03/02/2019 16:58

You made him come off his own fucking medication because you wanted sex???

Shockthat's disgusting and abusive(I don't use this word flippantly, but pressuring someone with depression to come off their medication for sex then years later telling them that they won't have sex with them any more and making them sleep on the sofa is abusive.)

Drookit · 03/02/2019 17:02

This sounds ridiculous, sorry.
There are avenues you could explore to improve your libido.
Why does he have to sleep on the sofa?

Munchyseeds · 03/02/2019 17:43

Sorry but as a woman who has gone through the menopause I feel really sorry for your DH
I don't want as much sex as I once did but we do still have sex and share a bed
Why are you so scared of HRT??

BillywilliamV · 03/02/2019 22:13

Just have the sex, it's 10 minutes, it makes him happy. Why not just do it?

MajesticWhine · 03/02/2019 22:26

Why can't you share a bed? It seems very unfair for him to have to sleep on the sofa. He might be able to tolerate lack of sex, but not having a bed to sleep in is a bit much.
Personally I am a bit scared of losing my sex drive (I am approaching menopause age) and I would be asking my GP for HRT if that becomes an issue.

Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 03/02/2019 22:32

Just have the sex, it's 10 minutes, it makes him happy. Why not just do it?

Wow.

Littlechocola · 03/02/2019 22:37

Just have the sex, it's 10 minutes, it makes him happy. Why not just do it?

Seriously?

NickyNora · 03/02/2019 22:44

HRT didn't restore my sex drive. I've tried everything available but can't stand tve tbought of sex. I was 43 when i went through the menopause.

My partner is free to go. He knows i won't have sex with him. I was very honest & no i won't just do it'.

But I've never asked him in out 20 year relationship to stop medication so I could have sex.

Personally i think you both need to accept the reality of your relationship & consider splitting up.

Mrsmummy90 · 03/02/2019 22:50

Making him make the decision between his medication or the marriage is vile. I came off my meds once and had a nervous breakdown and nearly got sectioned. He was on them for a reason.
That poor man.

Why does he have to sleep on the sofa? Just because you share a bed doesn't mean you have to have sex.

I hate saying this but you sound incredibly selfish. How about you sleep on the sofa and give your Dh a much deserved break??

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2019 23:08

You really can’t kick your husband out of his bed, his room, and banish him to the sofa.

He might not be complaining but he won’t be okay with it. Would you? If you don’t make some changes he’d be completely within his rights to leave you over this.

You’re doing nothing to help the situation. You’re actively damaging your relationship - he must feel like shit! - and you can’t carry on like this for much longer. Other people have addressed you blackmailing to come off his medication and they’re right. It sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic and I feel for your husband.

Ginger1982 · 03/02/2019 23:16

Why don't you sleep on the couch?

Scott72 · 04/02/2019 02:09

Why don't you get him his own bed. Do you have to have separate rooms or could you share a room if you had separate beds. Also suggest he go back on the anti-depressants, if he needs them.

BitOfFun · 04/02/2019 02:13

Intimacy doesn't have to mean full sex. Are you close in other ways? Do you touch, talk, tell him you love him?

pissedonatrain · 04/02/2019 06:51

You sound vile.
And you must not feel too guilty as he's been on the couch for 2 months.
When I went through menopause I had zero desire, plus it was extremely painful. I didn't kick him out of bed though and I explained what was going on and apologised. I did other things for him iykwim sexually. I didn't have any desire but it made me happy to make him happy. Plus the cuddles. :)

Oh and don't count on him not getting fed up with you and leaving.