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Original poster

Meno - sex life

51 replies

Marybangle · 03/02/2019 14:46

Briefly at 'that age', meno and hormones, for the past 6 months made it clear to DH of 21 years that I dont want to have sex. DH has been sleeping on the sofa due to me need the bed to myself for the past 2 months, he has to get up at 6 anyway for work and is out before I get up. Hes obviously not happy with the lack of intimacy and us not sleeping together. I just dont feel like sex anymore and dont want to be intimate but its killing the marriage. Anyone have any suggestions?

I feel guilty because about 5 years ago I made him make the decision between coming off antidepressants and our marriage, it killed his sex drive and I found it difficult to not feel wanted. He eventually came off them and it helped at the time, but now Im expecting him to put up with the lack of sex in the marriage after having made such a fuss when he was suffering with depression. I feel like a right cow :(

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 04/02/2019 07:01

Isn’t making a person that you love happy a good reason to do anything?
But then that would mean that you did want sex on some level I suppose..

OnlineAlienator · 04/02/2019 07:05

I would talk to him, urgently. Explain you still love him, hug him a lot, snuggle up on the sofa, hold his hand or whatever he likes. Fess up that you feel guilty about the reverse situation, it will show you remember and care.

Remember that just because you feel you have valid reasons to do it, it will still feel to him that you have banished him to the sofa, unless you work to reassure him thats not the case.

WeCanBeHeroesJustForOneDay · 05/02/2019 01:55

I’m almost fully menopausal but still have a strong healthy sex drive, wish so much I didn’t as my hubby has ED & no sexual desire for several years, wish we could both be disinterested together & then we would dub along ok but when one of you still wants sex & the other could care less life is so awfully frustrating & out of synch..I’ve no idea what to suggest as I’m in a similar dilemma myself only the fact that your hubby shouldn’t have come of his meds & the way he’s being treated no doubt he’ll be back on them soon.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 05/02/2019 02:00

I also don’t get why he cannot sleep in the same bed as you without sex becoming an issue. At this moment you are pushing him away are far as possible, after him doing all you asked willingly, including coming off anti depressants. I’m fully expecting unless you seriously review your attitude that your next thread in a few months time will be about your husband cheating on you

Scott72 · 05/02/2019 02:11

She didn't say they are sleeping separately because of sex.

poglets · 07/02/2019 15:33

So you pressured him in to coming off medication because it didn't suit your sexual needs, but now you refuse to have sex with him, or explore ways of improving your libido, because of a medical condition that can be treated? Isn't that hypocritical of you?

And they guy sleeps on the sofa. You go on the sofa for a while. And try and think back to what it felt like to live in a sexless marriage. Maybe you'll have some empathy with your husband again and remember what he did for you so that there is intimacy.

TooOldForThis67 · 07/02/2019 18:33

A bit of sympathy here for the OP. Going thro the menopause, for some, can be horrible. I pressme it's the night sweats and restlessness that's the heart of hubby being on the sofa. My menopause coincided with splitting with my STBX but my libido is through the roof! Luckily I am dating Grin.
I agree with a pp that you should acknowledge the double standards, assure him that you love him and get down to the Dr's!!!

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 18:38

I'm going through the menopause

It's true it's pretty shit .....but being fucking nasty is a choice

I'm afraid, OP, that you have made choices to be selfish and nasty

Stop blaming it on hormones

lilyheather1 · 07/02/2019 19:03

OP, you sound absolutely abhorrent. I hope your DH realises how abusive it was to force him to come off medication just so you could get your end away. That is abuse. You are an abuser.

Your poor DH.

Luckybe40 · 07/02/2019 19:21

You made your DH come off of drugs that he needed to help with mental health issues because you wanted CUDDLES? And sex? And now you’ve not only cut off intimacy but you’ve kicked him out if the marital bed? His bloody bedroom? Fucking hell, I’m very rarely shocked but you seriously take the award for most selfish poster ever. Christ almighty...get a grip!

Toffeeandcoffee · 07/02/2019 19:30

I have some sympathy for you, op.
When I met my dh we both had extremely high sex drives. Obvs in time that faded but we still made love 4-5 times a week.
Since hitting 40 my sex drive has dwindled to nothing. I'm 45 now and wouldn't care if I never had it again, it's impossible for me to orgasm now too. I make excuses all the time to avoid it, but I'm happy doing other things for him, just not piv sex.
You really need to talk to your husband and decide where you want to go from here.
My dh would laugh in my face if I suggested him sleeping on the sofa BTW Smile

ravenmum · 07/02/2019 19:43

OP pointed out how hypocritical it is herself in her OP, she's already got it.

Just as a little tweak, how about you sleeping on the sofa? It would be a sign that you want to be kind to him by giving him the comfier spot, and by him not feeling "pushed out of his own bed". (Even if he says he's OK with it, there must be some feeling of that.)

You don't want to have (PIV?) sex with him, but what could you do instead to express your love physically? What would you be prepared to do, to make him feel good? Or do you feel so repulsed or ill that you can't do anything?

Original poster
Marybangle · 07/02/2019 20:01

The problem is I cant think about sex at the moment, Ive no libido at all, and so its easier not to share a bed. Yes partly its because I dont sleep, sheets on, sheets off, and so would disturb him when he has to get up for work. And also sharing a bed will make him want to have sex, and I simply cant stand the thought of it at the moment. It doesnt take much to get him in the mood, and being in bed with me when we're naked and just kissing just leads him on and thats not fair on him either, so in a way its better if he doesnt have the disappointment in the first place, doesnt think theres a chance of us doing something. I think in that sense Ive made it easier for him to deal with, rather than rejecting him. Its not like Im demanding he stay frustrated, he can still get himself off, Im not stopping him doing that, I just cant be around it because like I say my libido is non existent and I feel generally crap with the changes, its not easy! Unless you've gone through it you have no clue how hellish it really is.

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 07/02/2019 20:19

You sound like a spoilt teenager.
Go and see your doctor and do something about it. You know like you made him do.

I don’t think I could stand to be married to someone like you. I would have left when you’re tantrum like behaviour and not feeling wanted because I was seriously ill happened.
Poor fucker

Travisandthemonkey · 07/02/2019 20:20

Or at least told you, you can go get yourself off love. I’m not stopping you.
Jesus.

christinarossetti19 · 07/02/2019 20:26

If you really, really can't stand sharing a bed and you really, really don't want to go on HRT, you both still need decent sleep.

I agree with the poster who suggested taking turns on the sofa. Alternatively, have separate duvets/sheets in the same bed. Or buy two single beds and have them close but separate in the bedroom.

Being excluded from your own bed on a semi-permanent basis is horrible.

Luckybe40 · 07/02/2019 20:38

Jesus, you just get worse. YOU should be on the sofa!

Pessismistic · 07/02/2019 20:51

Oh wow I am totally disgusted by this post I’ve been on both sides of this fence and can honestly say I would have picked my own well being It would have been your choice to end the marriage not his. Really how selfish are you? You can get help you choose not to but he got help and you make him choose you over his own well being seriously I’m flabbergasted at your mentality me me me oh yeh don’t forget me. You want to hope he doesn’t get fed up of your selfish ways. go the gp discuss your options. Let’s hope you never suffer depression it’s not easy you know and a bit of support can go along way.

AzureApps · 07/02/2019 20:52

I feel really sorry for your DH

Wherearemymarbles · 07/02/2019 20:55

I don’t suppose you ever cared what his depression was like when you demanded he come off the meds so you could get your leg over.
Go an see you GP. Like you made him do.
And let him have the bed.
I do applaud you though for letting him have a wank.

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 07/02/2019 21:46

Wow, OP, another one here who is right in the thick of menopause - unbelievable night sweats, awake (at least) a couple hours every night, anxiety through the roof, very limited sex drive. You're right: it's shit. But, Jesus fucking christ, stop using menopause as an excuse to be horrible to your poor husband. The bedroom is as much his as yours; as others have said, YOU sleep on the couch. And, you know, sometimes it's OK to offer a cuddle or (gasp) other relief to someone even if you're not really feeling it because, you know, you love them and want to give them pleasure even if at this point it's tough for you. And I am truly speechless over your making him come off the anti-depressants. You need to really, really look at yourself. You are about a year away from a divorce, and right now I think anyone who knew what you've just written here would say it's well deserved. Wake up, OP, and sort yourself out, yes, even while going through the menopause, just as women have had to do for fucking millennia.

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 22:21

I think in that sense Ive made it easier for him to deal with, rather than rejecting him.

Ummmmm .... no, try again 🙄

Scott72 · 07/02/2019 23:48

For goodness sakes OP buy him his own bed, or at least a mattress. Sleeping on the sofa can't be good for his back.

"Its not like Im demanding he stay frustrated, he can still get himself off, Im not stopping him doing that, "

Geez that is just so messed up to say that. Well would you object if he wanked to porn then?

Confusedfornow · 08/02/2019 08:17

No offence OP, but you come across as a horrible and quite abusive person.

Made him stop his meds, so you could get sex.

Made him sleep on the sofa because poor you just need your space and obviously you're just so attractive and oozing in feminine charm that your dullard of a husband just cant control his desires. Bad husband! You just go sit on the couch and think about what you've done! Hmm

And people talk about men being abusive and controlling.

Wow!

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 08:49

Is this 100% about the menopause, or are you perhaps also pissed of with him, or resentful about something else, hence it being him on the sofa and not you?