Highly Sensitive People (Or Empaths)

[Renarde1975]

Hey all. Interested in people's views on this one.

I'm a writer and a few days ago, I stumbled on this article in The Fail (I know, I know - judge away! )

It's here.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6637825/Curse-highly-sensitive-person.html

The author, Mel Collins, asserts that 20% of the population are more emotionally sensitive than most. I would assert that what she is calling Sensitivity, I would call it Empathy, and in greater quantities than most of the population. Saying that, the 20% figure does seem to be rather high and I'm wondering how she arrived at that figure.

Hence why I'd like people's views, if you can.

Collins gives a handy checklist of how to diagnose a HSP which I think is rather good. However, if she has arrived at that figure through a questionnaire then there are problems with it. The same problems that also present in the NPI study of 4% of the population are Narcs.(The real figure is more like 17%).

Really like peoples' thoughts/views on the subject.

I'm sensing a lot of anger there @Morris

I'm so sorry

How do I distract from that, we work very close together and I can't get away from her.

You have to try and disconnect the people pleasing, harmonising part of your mind from this person, accept that this is who they are, you cannot change them, only how they affect you.

It is very possible that this person thinks of you as an emotionally safe place to express the hostility and whining.
Personally I find dealing with moaning minnie's is best done by winding them up. Push the buttons to get them to "peak whinge" then the atmosphere quickly improves.
If you are really lucky then after a few times they realise you are just on a wind up, and stop moaning so much when you are there.

I know that deliberately antagonising someone probably runs completely counter to your normal personality and will likely feel very uncomfortable, but if you try it and it works on this person then it feels a lot easier to do it again because it just becomes another part of your skillset in developing harmony.

This book sounds stressful, maybe I am an empath too 😂

OP I think you are missing the point.

Many people who claim to be empaths, do so as a cover. It takes a while to realise it's not true. Many so called empaths are not empaths at all.

How do separate the 2?

I have BPD, came from a narcissist father and have lots of empathy. My empathy has grown as I've grown up and worked so much on myself with DBT (which is therapy for BPD).

Yes she drives us all mad! But we also love her to bits.

I can spot Ns fairly easily. Don't forget the vast majority of people are empathic to a certain degree. (Sliding scale) so the point is a moot one.

I have found that over the ears several people who I have been kind and caring towards have betrayed me and been incredibly unpleasant for no good reason. I suspect two of them had narsissistic tendancies.

I supported one of these people through marital difficulties, a serious blood disorder, the loss of their job and getting older, I was repeatedly messed about, lied to. He blamed me for being difficult when I remonstrated with him and punished me by refusing to see me and then transferred his affections to a much younger woman, who he paraded in front of me.

He forgot all the hours I spent saying he was a worthwhile person, that he would overcome his health problems and that he was capable of living a happy and productive life.

I don't think I am always an Empath, but there are certain sorts of relationships that bring out that trait in me. I certainly suffer emotionally when something goes wrong.

Honestly, I think that's more pop psychology from the school of thought that labels people who are not very nice 'toxic' and 'narcissists'.

I think this poster makes a fair point:

I think being an 'empath' has become a bit of a buzzword and I think that figure is too high. I don't believe anyone who says they are an empath unless they are vegan.There is no way anyone can truly claim to feel things to such a heightened degree and happily chew on an animal which did not want to die and fought for its life.

It's true that meat- and dairy consumption requires for many people a deliberate failure of imagination.

There's an Ursula Le Guin sci-fi story about an empath sent on a long space mission, which takes the idea of extreme empathy to its logical conclusions. This man is profoundly disabled by his empathy, as he cannot shield himself from emotions/sensations/thoughts from any species lust from a rat in a cage, pain from a squashed insect etc as well as humans, and because he can't filter out people's hostile responses to him (as he can't help reading their thoughts and emotions, which frightens them, so they're hostile), he reflects it back at them, and is universally loathed and isolated.

My therapist diagnosed me as an Empath, about 2 years ago. I am also Autistic, which, btw, presents itself differently in females than it does in males.

This diagnosis does make me feel better, because I now know why I feel the way I feel and I know why I do the things I do. I try to limit myself from interacting with people as much as I can, so I can recharge my batteries. I also stay away from the news now, because some stories were making me so upset that I would cry or be so upset I could not handle my day. It would also give me insomnia.

I seem to attract myself to abusive relationships too. Maybe that's because I have empathy and want to help people. They pick up on it and exploit it. Currently trying to leave one now. My partner has 0% empathy which he says is because of his Asperger's

nowheretorunorhide, was your partner properly diagnosed? My DH is an Aspie like me and is extremely empathetic.

I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this and I hope you can get out of it soon.

Yes he's been diagnosed. I think he's just selfish and doesn't care. He does obvs have Asperger's though. I'm trying to get out, but I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, as I always try and see the best in someone.

There's a book about it - could get it free with Kindle Unlimited but I didn't think much to idea in the end.

I was bullied at school - always told I was oversensitive - struggle with crowds and noise and as an adult was diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia.

I worried endless about conversations – that goes away when I’m not overly anxious so when I moved away from home and when I finally realised hormonal contraceptives were making me anxious.

I think I also stopped second guessing situations if someone's nasty it's on them - I think I'd internalised the message from school bullying that the problem was me or what I'd done. Caring less was/is very liberating and has come with age.

I’m affected by radiator and drain people – but I’ve realised I’m not unique there either and once I realised could manage it better.

I see some similar traits in my children – though they manage differently.

I just think it’s a huge postive looking label covering many differ conditions and causes.

nowheretorunorhide, well ASD is on a spectrum so there are varying degrees in everyone. I suspect that my father had it, and although he was a lovely man most of the time, he did have moments of complete rage.

You sound sound defeated darling. I wish I could do something to help you. I too, see the best in people, often to my detriment.

If he is abusive, ASD or not, you need to get out and take care of yourself. I promise that there are men out there who will treat you well and me good to you.

Your life doesn't have to be this way. Please believe me.

@MissLanesAmericanCousin thank you so much.

I do have a thread about it currently and have got lots of advice, the consensus is that it is abuse. I don't mind to highjack the thread though.

I do think I am always trying to see the good in someone and understand why someone is the way hey is. I think I can be a bit of a doormat at times because of this.

*mean

nowheretorunorhide, it's okay, I don't think other posters will mind. However, if you want to PM me, then you can and we can talk. No pressure. Only if you feel like it.

Please post here @no if you need to. X

Thank you @MissLanesAmericanCousin I've messaged you :)

I just messaged you back!

I was describing a friend today as the 'opposite of an empath'. He isn't a narcissist, just oblivious to the mood in the room, any unspoken expectations, doesn't read between the lines. Lovely guy, but hilariously frustrating. It is both a gift and a challenge!

picklemepopcorn my best friend is like that. Can not read the room at all. But is also totally lovely.

I think the twenty percent is from the basic type if you split people into sensation seeking / sensation avoiding as an innate trait.

See Elaine (?) Aron's book the Highly Sensitive Person.

Thanks @Anthea, I'll check that out

@Raven - No book isn't stressful, well I hope that when people read it they will find calm. I find writing incredibly beneficial and healing. (Yup multiple survivor of abusive people)

@Parth

There's an Ursula Le Guin sci-fi story about an empath sent on a long space mission, which takes the idea of extreme empathy to its logical conclusions. This man is profoundly disabled by his empathy, as he cannot shield himself from emotions/sensations/thoughts from any species lust from a rat in a cage, pain from a squashed insect etc as well as humans, and because he can't filter out people's hostile responses to him (as he can't help reading their thoughts and emotions, which frightens them, so they're hostile), he reflects it back at them, and is universally loathed and isolated.

That writer knows nothing about Empathy; mirroring back negative emotions is the very opposite of empathy. However, NPD'ers DO use mirroring very successfully in how they manipulate others. Never more so that during the Love Bomb at the start where you think you have just met your soulmate.