Highly Sensitive People (Or Empaths)

[Renarde1975]

Hey all. Interested in people's views on this one.

I'm a writer and a few days ago, I stumbled on this article in The Fail (I know, I know - judge away! )

It's here.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6637825/Curse-highly-sensitive-person.html

The author, Mel Collins, asserts that 20% of the population are more emotionally sensitive than most. I would assert that what she is calling Sensitivity, I would call it Empathy, and in greater quantities than most of the population. Saying that, the 20% figure does seem to be rather high and I'm wondering how she arrived at that figure.

Hence why I'd like people's views, if you can.

Collins gives a handy checklist of how to diagnose a HSP which I think is rather good. However, if she has arrived at that figure through a questionnaire then there are problems with it. The same problems that also present in the NPI study of 4% of the population are Narcs.(The real figure is more like 17%).

Really like peoples' thoughts/views on the subject.

@Raven

That is the essence of affective Empathy. If you have it; you feel it and you know and it's very difficult to describe. Hence there are very few tests for affective empathy. That's why when you see 'empathy' tests on the web, they are always geared towards the cognitive empathy strand. This is entirely useless as most narcissists also have cognitive empathy but they can NEVER have affective empathy.

I'm struggling to watch tv at the moment. I can't keep the barrier up, and get very distressed by situations. So in Grantchester of all things I got very upset about the racism and injustice.

'Thin skinned' is another element of it.

I agree that there is an element of selfishness in altruism- I feel better when the people around me feel good. It's in my interests to make people around me feel good!

@Pickle

Thin skinned? Indeed it is.

There are things on TV I cannot bear to watch either.

I was the one who could feel things in other rooms. But that isn't all the time.
I don't like the label empath or whatever the other one was. I think human emotions are sliding scale and we all have certain things we feel more than others. Some people love immensely deeply, in a way I can't understand. I don't do the head over heels, go do some crazy shit. I do love deeply, but quietly and calmly.

I should mention that when my friends brother entered the house, I only heard the back door open. Nothing else. But then he did become my Dp and we live together now.

I don't think I have special powers or need a label. I don't even think it's that different to anyone else.

@Boys

I would also agree that a true empathic response is on a sliding scale. Ive often thought that.

You're an amazing lady!

But to add, I had thought, for months, that narcissism was also so thusly sliding. But its not. There is a very hard limit of 'awareness'. Very hard indeed.

Thanks but I don't think I am amazing. There's only a handful of people I am so in tune with.

I think that's fairly normal.

Should also say that if I am in tune with them it happens early on or not at all.

Some of the comments on this thread are interesting. Since mr involvement with a very toxic narc, I have read about empathy a lot.

But the hyper vigilance point a pp made is v interesting (I grew up in an abusive environment too) as is the comment that another pp made about a motive for making people feel better is to avoid conflict or upset and anxiety. I def relate to that.

I am empathetic or sensitive maybe, and very (too) interested in other people's feelings, often to my detriment (classic people pleaser too), but I am often oblivious to feelings too. So maybe not an empath, but just the result of an abusing childhood instead.

Sorry typos - writing on the move

All this navel gazing only matters to the extent it helps! Reading about HSP helped me feel a bit better about being 'thin skinned, over sensitive' and showed me that there are strengths associated with it. Before that I felt too weak and inadequate to cope with every day life, and in fact a bit neurotic.

Now I feel that actually, I have strengths but need to protect myself from some environments. It's helped me hone in on where the source of a problem is, and makes it easier to address it.

I’ve only ever know two people claim to be empaths. They are both quite self-centred and one in particular is very selfish. She claims that because she is an empath, special consideration must be given to her needs over everyone else’s.

Thats wrong @Charles and is not an empathuc reaction

@Pickle if it helps, im truly glad. We do have stengths but monumental....not weaknesses but blind spots, id say.

Nah @Sue, youre an E. Rejoice in this poisoned chalice!

My mum is another who claims to be highly sensitive as a demand that she gets her own way all the time. If people bang on about it, they pretty much always aren't. It's not something I've mentioned out loud unless as part of a conversation about me over reacting to a situation and being determined to get past it.

I am one. I had a fairly happy childhood, although my parents separated when I was 10. But DM always said that I was the most sensitive child she had ever met, and she was teacher and had taught hundreds and hundreds. If people are angry shouting, even if not at me, I cry. If I am furiously angry and shouting, I cry. Other people crying makes me cry, whether I know them or not. I am highly sensitive to atmosphere, so often know if something good or bad has happened to a person (more usually someone I know). I am an incessant worrier, especially about work and that if something has gone wrong, it is my fault. I have been surprised every time I have been offered a job in case they find out I am not really all that good at it.

It can be exhausting, especially when going through something stressful - when XH cheated, I cried almost endlessly as I got myself sorted out. I cried when DD graduated (both times), I cry when someone says something nice to me. I hate it, but there's sod all I can do about it, so I try and live with it as best I can.

And I ticked most of the boxes on that article.

@Pickle I do talk about empathy a lot but thats because I write about it but I NEVER use it as an excuse for my own shortcomings. I frequently make mistakes but I do own up to them. I hope.

Yes @Candle, I think you are too. An E, I mean.

I’m sure what you’re describing does exist. I know people who I think could probably be described as empaths. Just not these two!

They are both quite self-centred and one in particular is very selfish. She claims that because she is an empath, special consideration must be given to her needs over everyone else’s.

See this is my experience too, of people who label themseleves empaths. I don't see why being sensitive to others feelings needs a label, tbh.

@Renarde1975 I was a church organist for about 30 years and I would frequently be crying at the organ during funerals and weddings, even though I didn't usually know the people.

I'm an empath and it's honestly a pain in the arse. There's so many things I can't get over and I've had counselling to try to let it go but I can't and I bloody hate it.
At work I feel like an emotional sponge, I soak up others bad feelings and come home exhausted yet they feel fine.
I really bloody hate it. I almost started a thread here last week called 'HOW DO I BECOME MORE SELFISH' but I thought I'd get ripped apart and told to stop being a martyr so I left it.

I ticked all the boxes in that bloody article.
Thing is, how do you stop it a bit? I don't see many positives about it

Yes it's me pretty much to a tee.
My mothers a narcissist, not that any of that made any sense to me until a few years ago. I just thought I was rubbish and deserved to be told off. I had that drummed into me for over 40 years before I realised it was WRONG. It's eased off a bit in recent years, she now has dementia and lives in a nursing home. She needed me to help her.
That "atmosphere" business has always terrified me. Together with the death stares.

I've always got overwhelmed, never thought I was good enough to do for what I should have made my career. Couldn't cope with criticism or others disapproval if I had done better than they had. As a kid, I'd go off to my room and read. Now I go off and use "horse therapy" to feel better, so outdoors on my own in the fresh air.

The anger came out hugely inappropriately one time and cost me a lot, more than I could ever have believed it would.

I suppose it's good I've finally made some sense of it all and I now try to believe in myself and silence the inner critics. The exposure to narcissism continues via my brother who has no hesitation in attacking me any opportunity he gets. Thankfully he lives abroad so I don't see that much of him. I make a point of staying out of his way as much as I can now.

It's a hard job trying to sort myself out and try to be "normal", I'd like to have a few good years!

I ticked all the boxes in that bloody article

Same here. And I particularly identify with at least half a dozen. Feels odd reading it all in one list though.