Highly Sensitive People (Or Empaths)

[Renarde1975]

Hey all. Interested in people's views on this one.

I'm a writer and a few days ago, I stumbled on this article in The Fail (I know, I know - judge away! )

It's here.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6637825/Curse-highly-sensitive-person.html

The author, Mel Collins, asserts that 20% of the population are more emotionally sensitive than most. I would assert that what she is calling Sensitivity, I would call it Empathy, and in greater quantities than most of the population. Saying that, the 20% figure does seem to be rather high and I'm wondering how she arrived at that figure.

Hence why I'd like people's views, if you can.

Collins gives a handy checklist of how to diagnose a HSP which I think is rather good. However, if she has arrived at that figure through a questionnaire then there are problems with it. The same problems that also present in the NPI study of 4% of the population are Narcs.(The real figure is more like 17%).

Really like peoples' thoughts/views on the subject.

SSD, what has helped me is 'boundaries'. There was a book, but I can't remember the name. By somebody Cloud, I think.

I choose to switch off, like ignoring a noise. I rationally decide that if this is not my problem, I'm going to let it wash over me until someone makes it my problem (asks for help, or picks on someone vulnerable).

It's not foolproof- I still get tired- but it does help.

I find it impossible as at work I work in a small space with this person who absolutely sucks the life out of me, I feel myself literally soaking up all her drama's and shit and getting more and more wound up.
I can't walk away or shut her up and ignoring her is impossible.
I'll try to look up that book

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Thing is, I've never had a problem with saying no, which I think the book is about
I'm a stubborn bugger and know my own mind
It's just that I seem to soak up others problems and upsets and get all tangled up in them and trying to help them out, of course they are never interested in my problems, if it's not about them they don't want to know
I was interested in the above post about someone being drawn to a narc, that's what's happening to me very interesting to see this for what it is

That's it. It's more about working out whose problem something is. When you manage to separate yourself and draw boundaries, it's a bit easier to avoid soaking up their angst.

This podcast is very good on this:

itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/seriously/id134091051?mt=2&i=1000427696804

I grew up with everyone telling me I'm too sensitive. I can't stand loud noises, raised voices, crowds, violent movies, sad movies, I literally sob when reading good poetry, stuff like that. Only a couple of years ago did I stumble upon an article describing the traits of empaths - I had all of them. But like someone said - it might just be coping mechanisms we aquired. But I do think some people definitely do feel things more intense than others. I've also realized I gravitate to people with similar traits - most of my friends are like that, too.

I feel that empathy is learned or developed rather than innate. We each develop different levels based on our upbringing. My therapist describes me as an empathy becuase I can keenly read people's moods as a defence mechanism to avoid abuse.

My partner is truly remarkable in this sense and had a very abusive childhood. He will literally break down if he sees a homeless person with a child or if he sees someone crying. He just has to do something to relieve the discomfort he feels from the distress of others. But equally he can be very ignorant of his own behaviour and how it affects others. There's a strange disconnect there until it is pointed out.

I’m definitely an empathy as is my daughter. Easily feel other’s emotions, very affected by the mood of others, hugely empathetic with others. Feel our own emotions very easily and keenly. Huge degree of self awareness and insight. Neither of us had an abusive upbringing.

My mum labelled me a highly sensitive person at a young age. She meant her to be helpful and it's probably true but I didn't find it a helpful label. I tend to feel people's emotions quite keenly and I get quite emotionally worried if I feel other people are. I don't think that's a bad thing in itself but I don't think labels of any sort are good and if you think you should be treated differently as a result, I definitely think that's not true.

I’m definitely one. And married to someone who uses this to his benefit. I am finding the thought process that my therapist suggested as being very beneficial... that you cannot control their anger... it’s entirely up to them to deal with it, and not up to me to make it better.

What I really struggle with, is the fact I’m like this in the first place. I had a very stable and loving family life growing up. It was school that was the problem.

If you have it; you feel it and you know and it's very difficult to describe.
I have no doubt that you know exactly what is going on in your head. That's kind of the point I was making. The question in that test is about comparing your mental life with what's going on in other people's heads. No-one can do that. You may be empathic, but you're not telepathic. if I am hiding my feelings from you, no, you don't know how strong my feelings are.

warning: rant<
I grew up with severe social anxiety and did not have a nice childhood. I learned to hide my feelings so as not to get bullied or laughed at, and because I was terrified of looking stupid due to anxiety. As a result, I now get people disapproving of me because I am not emotional enough for their liking. In particular, a couple of people who consider themselves extremely sensitive, and believe it somehow makes them better people than me. So questions like that really, really piss me off.
rant over

Apparently the deeper sensory processing that HSPs have is genetic and found in lots of animals. It's to do with a different brain wiring.
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/201707/are-you-highly-sensitive-person-should-you-change%3famp
I'm pretty sure I have this and positive things I've noticed are:

• I can process information very quickly
• I can spot connections across a broad range of information
• I can predict how people or a group of people might feel about a proposal at work and plan accordingly
• I can communicate well with most people

The downsides are the crying, over analysis and need to withdraw

I was pleased to find out about this as I always felt like a bit of a freak before

I very rarely cry, that's one bit I don't have.
It's just te ability to pick up on an atmosphere that does me in, today at work someone has called in sick and rge person I was talking about before will be in huffing and puffing about how she has to do everything, I can feel my hackles going up just thinking of her. Others wouldn't be giving a damn but uts winding me up already.
How do I distract from that, we work very close together and I can't get away from her.

I guess you are writing for a rival to the DM? (I've lost touch of what their rival even is now, haven't they all gone bust?)

If you are interested in the statistics I'd recommend listening to More or Less on the radio/podcast, which is about statistics, and also Inside Health, which has a lot of useful ideas about health statistics in particular. If you listen to both/either over any protracted period of time you'll realise that statistics about anything, even fairly easily definable things like diabetes etc., are a) hard to gather reliably and b) very malleable.

People around me often say I have a lot of empathy. I think it has more to do with my childhood and having to be hyper-aware to keep myself safe. You learn to, second by second, filter words, expressions, movements, mood changes etc. Add into that how these things change at the speed of light. With these 'honed' senses (all out of kilter due to emotional/physical/sexual abuse) other people's needs/feelings may become more obvious. If I'm truthful I would say that any action I take to help is probably coming from that need to please and keep myself safe. A totally draining tangle which I'm trying to free myself from.

@Raven

No, not a DM rival. Its my own book, Fuel, Fear and Fury.

Nice alliteration :) Is it about actual fuel? If not, and you mean it figuratively, maybe put "fuel" in the middle so it doesn't sound like "Fuel: fear and fury", a book about how fuel makes people scared and angry. (If it is about that, then don't mind my nosiness! I'm a proofreader, sorry.)

I find this very interesting. I remember reading about HSPs a couple of years ago and feeling like I ticked most of the boxes. However, reading about BPD I can see that unfortunately that may be more likely,(someone up thread said that the idea of being highly sensitive is much more appealing)!

I am extremely sensitive to noise and bright lights. I hate crowds and get can be very overwhelmed by feelings - I 'overreact' to sad films and music and it can be a bit embarrassing. Though I have never screamed at the Michelangelo... sometimes it feels like my nerve endings are closer to the surface than they should be. When I was little I remember thinking that I felt like a 'peeled prawn' all the time.

I am very tuned in to other people's emotions and can read people very well. However, recently I have begun to realise that this is a learned trait following on from a childhood that included the death of my mother at the age of three and abuse from someone who was supposed to be caring for me. I now understand that tuning in to other people's emotions was a matter of self preservation for me.

A poster up thread mentioned their partner being unaware of the effect that their own behaviour can have on others and I can definitely relate to that. I think it is to do with being so tuned in to others for self preservation that you can lose a certain amount of self- awareness - for me this is often in social situations. I definely suffer from foot in mouth syndrome.

I'm not sure what 'box' I go into probably the one marked Fucked Upbut am learning coping methods that include a lot of routine and self-care. It is hard sometimes and I really wonder at people who are laid-back and relaxed. I would love to be like that.

Oops - essay alert.

The thing is, what ever you label it you don't have to accept the downsides. You can learn to manage your own behaviour and reactions. As pp said, it's for a person to control their own anger. The same can be said for empathetic people.

I have taught myself to disconnect at work. It took a few years and was difficult but worth it. It's done wonders for my career.

Any person has strengths and weakness. We all need to work on the weaknesses or anything that negatively impacts our lives. There is only us that can do that.

@Raven Good question. And thank you on the compliment!

When a narc abuses it's always about fuel - Narcassitic supply. Everything they do, the manipulations, the power places, everything. Their lack of affective empathy makes them perfect at this.

Fury is the volcanic rage that all narcs have bubbling away under the surface.

Fear is one of the most effective ways of gaining control over the victim

Narc and empath have a lot of crossover. My mum would certainly claim to be an empath. If she gets an email from a friend having a hard time, she then absorbs it and makes their problems her own. In some ways it's just emotional vampirism, and a way of getting attention.

Oh look at me, I'm so sad, Helen's daughter in law was mean to her again. I can't be expected to do any practical tasks today, I'm going to sit here and be saaaad.

Morris - that isn't empathic behaviour. Its attention seeking.

And yes, you HAVE hit the nail on the head. Ns and Es are the flip sides of the coin.

I agree that it isn't empathic but my mum would swear she was the most special, sensitive, easily damaged empath on the planet. And that everyone had to do her bidding because saaaad face.