What can I do?

[CaughtInHisTrap]

I'm not sure where to post this but it's about the end of a relationship so I hope till be ok here.

So, I don't know where to start but about 10 years I met my partner, I was in my early 20s he was nearly 40 (but lied about his age, among other things).
The trouble is up till I'd met him I had severe social anxiety and depression and was housebound since my mid teens (missing a lot of school and not getting any qualifications etc), when we met I'd just started seeing a dr and getting cbt, leaving the house slowly. Partner followed the 'treat em mean keep em keen' rule and I was so desperate to please him I lost al sight of the progress of made and focussed on winning his approval.

Anyway I could write a lot on the relationship but I already know it's abusive mentally and sexually. And I'm so fucking sick of it I already know it's not right and I want out but here's my problem, I'm feeling completely trapped.

In the ten years since I've met Partner -I've not had any work experience or got any qualifications, I've barely left the house (he doesn't like me going out without him).
-We've had a son (almost 4).
-My dad has recently died and my mum is in v poor health and all my siblings are living abroad, so i don't have anyone to ask for help.
-Partner hasn't let me be involved in the running of the house e.g. Paying bills dealing with finances etc so I have no idea.
-as well as all this all the confidence is started to gain has gone and I'm depressed. I'd end it all if it didn't mean my son would be left with him.

So after all that, my question is what can I do? I have no chance of getting a good enough job to support my son and me and run a house and I have no idea how to go about it anyway.
I'm just so fucking sick of him and this miserable existence. I always think, you have one life, what's the point in being miserable but I don't know what to do. My son deserves so so so much better.

Didn't want to read and run. And I'm sure someone more helpful will be along for practical steps.

But if you can, safely (e.g. cover tracks online), contact Women's Aid for advice.

Other people work and pay taxes to support women like you who need it until you can get on your feet financially. But I am sure the initial getting out and making a claim, etc, Will be made a lot easier by the support of a professional organisation such as WA.

Thank you @Dirtybadger
I'm so scared about going it alone. I've never done it before and now I have my son relying on me. I'm so scared I'll fail. I don't know how to do it, maybe if I can contact women's aid they'll help me get it straight in my head.

You are still young, you've a while future in front of you, time to learn and train. The world is your oyster now that this man is not dragging you down, even if it feels scary right now.

I agree with the pp. Speak to womansaid, get some help and guidance. Speak to local job centres and colleges and see what things there are around that you could train as. Be brave. You're not the hopeless person you think you are.

"Be brave. You're not the hopeless person you think you are."
thank you

I also meant to say that partner regularly tells me that if I ever leave him and take DS that he'll wipe his hands of us completely. He'll delete all my contact info etc and he'll never have anything to do with us again. So if I leave, there's no going back. That's it, if we're homeless with no money we'll have no one to turn to.

I hope that "be brave etc" comment didn't offend you, it wasn't meant to, I just read your post as though you didn't believe in yourself and didn't feel worthwhile..x

He's the baby's father, he will have to contribute. You won't want to go back once you're safe, he clearly puts you down and controls you. Get googling Women's Aid and find out what support is out there, rather than thinking of the negatives. Once you make those first steps to independence you'll start to build your strength up.

I would count it as a blessing if he wants "nothing to do with you". I wouldn't bet on him sticking to that when he realises he has to pay child maintenance....But cross that bridge when you come to it!

@Honeyroar your comment didn't offend me at all! It came across as supportive and trying to lift me up I just wish I could take it to heart and believe it!!
I am going to contact women's aid to see if they can offer support in me leaving. I can't do that till next week as we are away at the moment. I'm so tired and every night this week he has woken me in the middle of the night pulling my pj bottoms down and climbing on top of me for sex. It makes my skin crawl. He doesn't take no for an answer and if I beg him not to wake me in the night he gets so moody wit me.

Are you on anti-depressants?

Sweetheart, you do know that that is rape?

I promise you that being alone with your son will be a million times better than being with him. It seems overwhelming but you will cope day by day, and you’ll be so much happier. Please contact women’s aid x

I take sertraline @ravenmum

@BifsWif I know technically it is..he even jokes to me, "I'm going to rape you tonight" in a teasing jokey way.
He also seems to drag it on for as long as possible, it feels like a control thing to me. I don't know but I feel so much anger towards him when he does it.

OP that's horrific. That's easily enough to dial 999, report him for rape and have him arrested. He's raping you and effectively keeping you captive

Maybe I haven't explained it very well @NationalShiteDay I wouldn't have him arrested. I know I'm physically able to leave any time I want but mentally I'm so screwed I don't know what to do. It's my own fault for not taking the chance to improve my life in my early 20s when I had the chance. And now I'm older, no career prospects and have a son relying on me.

Why wouldn't you report him? Why is he allowed to rape you (and mock you about it) and threaten you? Why the hell do you owe him any respect?? He's got absolutely none for you.

Christ OP, please listen to these posters, this behaviour is called Rape my lovely. Please call Womens Aid and get some solid advice so you can start to plan your next move, for you and your DS.

I don't know, I feel so guilty already about wanting to leave him. He doesn't have anyone else and is already so bitter with the world and with his ex wife. He blames her for so much (not that I do, I never met her) and I know he'd be so bitter with me. He used to tell me how much he like being alone but now he's used to being part of a family. I don't know I just feel so sad for him as much as I resent him.

I will do an Internet search for the women's aid website next week and try writing them an email though. Thank you for your support 💐

OP you need to put yourself and your son first and go to the police

You can do this, I promise you. I can well see why you're completely overwhelmed but the way to do it is to break everything down into small bites.

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. Talk to your gp.

When it comes to running a house, it's all much easier than it looks. You pay a deposit once you've found somewhere you love. That gets held in a government scheme so it's protected. Once you get into a property, you set the rent up as a direct debit (easy to do) so it comes out your bank account automatically.

You'll have council tax, gas and electricity (which you buy from a provider combined) and water bills but again you just need to set up a direct debit. After a few months you'll get an idea of how much things cost and if you need to cut back on things like your heating to control your bills. And after a few weeks it will all cease to be a big deal in terms of you feeling like you can manage running your own place.

If I were you, I'd work up to reporting your dp for rape because he sounds seriously nasty and coercive and the more the authorities are aware of that, the more you stand a chance of being able to build a life away from him. But one step at a time and do things on your terms

Do you have access to money op?

I think you may need to go back to your doctor and discuss a change of medication or different level. This one doesn't seem to be working as it should. Are you eating properly and getting out at all? You need to build up some more strength. The guilt is all part of the depression and being knackered.

You don't have to do any of this on your own. There are people who are paid and more than willing to support others in your position. They would be delighted to help you improve your life. And once you have got things rolling, the system tends to just keep steaming ahead on its own without you needing to know anything much or being brave or clever in any way. You don't have to do it all right, you can make mistakes, learn by doing.

Hi, sorry for the late reply. We've travelled back home and my mum is staying with us for now.

I feel like I've just hit on something in my mind. I can't be with him, I can't stand him. I NEED out!! I want to tell him right now but I can't as I don't know how he'll react especially with mum and son in the house. But I want out so badly I could scream.

To answer a couple of questions.
@00Sassy I get child benefit paid into my account but he gets my esa payments.
@ravenmum I don't really get out at all, apart from nursery pick up/drop off and supermarket trips. He doesn't like me to go out without him, I've been bargaining with him to try and let me go out for runs but he wouldn't have it, he just says to run laps around the living room.
When you say "There are people who are paid and more than willing to support others in your position" do you mean women's aid? I'm getting out. I don't know what's clicked but I'm fucking out.

And thank you @Floomph I need to break it down like you said. Work out the steps and make lists so it isn't so overwhelming. I'm just so scared. I hate him so much. I've never felt so much anger building up inside me. I'm so angry I could cry.

OP, your anger is good! It’s so much more positive and empowering than depression. Let it give you strength. Ride that anger, use it as fuel to help you take action and leave this pathetic shit of a man. Contact Women’s Aid, get the help you need, and think of your wonderful future when you are safely away in a home of your own, able to choose whatever you want to do. It’s very encouraging that you want to go out for runs - you’re starting to break free, your spirit is no longer trapped and broken. Go for it!