What can I do?

[CaughtInHisTrap]

I'm not sure where to post this but it's about the end of a relationship so I hope till be ok here.

So, I don't know where to start but about 10 years I met my partner, I was in my early 20s he was nearly 40 (but lied about his age, among other things).
The trouble is up till I'd met him I had severe social anxiety and depression and was housebound since my mid teens (missing a lot of school and not getting any qualifications etc), when we met I'd just started seeing a dr and getting cbt, leaving the house slowly. Partner followed the 'treat em mean keep em keen' rule and I was so desperate to please him I lost al sight of the progress of made and focussed on winning his approval.

Anyway I could write a lot on the relationship but I already know it's abusive mentally and sexually. And I'm so fucking sick of it I already know it's not right and I want out but here's my problem, I'm feeling completely trapped.

In the ten years since I've met Partner -I've not had any work experience or got any qualifications, I've barely left the house (he doesn't like me going out without him).
-We've had a son (almost 4).
-My dad has recently died and my mum is in v poor health and all my siblings are living abroad, so i don't have anyone to ask for help.
-Partner hasn't let me be involved in the running of the house e.g. Paying bills dealing with finances etc so I have no idea.
-as well as all this all the confidence is started to gain has gone and I'm depressed. I'd end it all if it didn't mean my son would be left with him.

So after all that, my question is what can I do? I have no chance of getting a good enough job to support my son and me and run a house and I have no idea how to go about it anyway.
I'm just so fucking sick of him and this miserable existence. I always think, you have one life, what's the point in being miserable but I don't know what to do. My son deserves so so so much better.

Thanks @Babdoc now I'm afraid that the anger might subside and I'll go back to feeling guilty. I want to wake him up now and tell him, get it out there so he knows and so I can't turn back!

If there's just one piece of advice that you take from here. Let it be this. DO NOT tell him that you are leaving.
Tell him only after you are already out.
As you have access to the internet, cover your tracks by deleting your browsing history every day - google the instructions if you don't know how to do that.
He will make your life worse if he knows you are going.
It's tempting to want to punish him by telling him in advance. The only people that will hurt is you and your son.
Do not feel sorry for him. He is responsible for his own life, just as you are for yours.

I'm just writing an email to send to women's aid but I don't really know what to say. I've got so much I want to say and get off my chest about him and this relationship but I don't really know if I should that sort of thing in the email. Should I just keep it brief?

Thanks @DianaT1969 that makes sense, I'm just worried that I'll backtrack in my mind if I don't tell him. You are right about him being responsible for his own life, o keep telling myself this I can't tell you how many times I've told myself. Those thoughts of guilt creep in every time though which is what's worrying me.

I'm not physically afraid of him, if I told him it's over ( he's told me plenty of times), I'm certain he'll be incredibly nasty and bitter and mean though and I don't want mum or DS to see that.
My poor innocent DS walks on eggshells already. My little beautiful boy! The sweetest boy I've ever known, he deserves more.
And my lovely mum, poorly and grieving. He's been so nasty to her since she got here, not overtly but in such a sly way. She's talking about changing her flight and going home already. She just got here. She's lonely and alone and she needs me.
I've let down the 2 most important people in my world, when they need me to be stronger. I'm so pathetic and I'm so angry.

You don't need to tell him to make that first step, getting in touch with W's Aid is a good first step. Imagine how worried about you your mum must be, and imagine what is going into your child's brain watching all this. You MUST get yourself out. You really ought to report his raping you too.

I know, my mum was so sad when she told me about wanting to change her flights. She actually apologised to me and said she doesn't want to cause me any trouble.. she's the sweetest kindest mum and grandmother.
And my son preemptively apologises to his dad for the stupidest stuff. It breaks my heart. He doesn't have a choice, he has to live where I choose so why the fuck have I, his mum, kept him here.
You are right, my first steps to leaving are my own. I'm not sharing them with him. I need to take back control.

I'm going to keep reading back over the messages on here to make me feel strong.

OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Does he feel guilt, every time he rapes you?
Does he feel any guilt when he takes YOUR ESA money?
Does he feel guilty when he stops you from leaving the house to go for a run?

This is all wrong on so many levels. No wonder you hate him, I hate him too and I’ve never even met him.

Reach out for help OP, Women’s aid, Police, GP

Take your life back from this monster, your life is yours, not his.

Wishing you strength

Bloody hell OP. Your situation breaks my heart. But small steps because change takes time. Send women's aid screen shots of this thread if that helps. They'll get it.

I'm just writing an email to send to women's aid but I don't really know what to say. I've got so much I want to say and get off my chest about him and this relationship but I don't really know if I should that sort of thing in the email.

OP, keep the emotion and examples of his behaviour out of the email. Factual is best. They need to know the facts about your situation and how you want them to help. Give a safe way to contact you (phone or email?). Ask if you can have an appointment to see someone asap. Say that you are in a relationship where you have no power, decision-making, you are isolated, have no money and you have a 4 year old child. You would like to leave and hope that they can give advice.

When you say "There are people who are paid and more than willing to support others in your position" do you mean women's aid?
Women's aid, charities (e.g. Gingerbread), GPs and other members of NHS, self-help groups, Citizens' Advice Bureau, trusts, refuges, childcare providers, food banks, local council, etc. There's a whole great safety net, you're not on your own.

Make a list and take it step by step - but also remember that you only have to do the basic steps to begin with. It doesn't have to be perfect. All you need to begin is a bed and food!

Could you go back with your mum for a couple of weeks to get your head straight?
Could you afford to do that?
Does your mum have the room for you and DS for a short while?
You need out.
I really hope Womens Aid can help.
Please also speak to your GP about all of this.
Have it on record. It could come in handy.

Can I just say that while you may feel helpless and full of guilt and fear, your posts are some of the most articulate and well written I've read in a long time. You are clearly talented and despite what you say about confusion you seem to be able to express your thoughts clearly and cogently. I think you have a future way more successful than you may be imagining it once you get away from this horribly abusive man. As well as the e mail you may find it good to phone the local women's aid number to get a direct response. Are you sure your family can't help you? They may be abroad but do they care about you? You can do this, you are young enough to have a lovely fulfilled life ahead of you. Take your anger and use it

Everything that pog100 said

OP you are incredibly brave and strong to have put up with his shit for so long and still be so clued up. You can most definitely do this, and you sound very motivated to do it for your son and yourself.

Keep us updated, big loves x

I've emailed WA and I've had a quiet word with my mum. I didn't go into any details but I let her know I'm considering leaving and she let me know DS and I are welcome to stay with her.
I feel numb and so sick. I'm also freezing and can't get warm, I'm sitting here shivering and numb.

Is anyone around? I feel so guilty.

I don't know what he'd do. He doesn't have anyone else in the world.

He is NOT your problem
He's a fully grown man, he was already fully grown when he met you and latched on to you. If he's alone it's because he's horrible and unloveable and that's his fault.

What do you feel guilty about?
We all know he has conditioned you to feel like this but re-read your posts.
What do YOU feel guilty about after re-reading them?
There is literally nothing to feel guilty about is there!
He should feel guilty - the abusive prick.
You should only feel slightly guilty for staying this long and wasting this much of your life on him.
Please take your mother up on her offer.
It will do you good to get away from him for a while and be with someone supportive and loving.
Re-read and re-read your posts and find that anger again.
He's a cunt - end of!

Re-read all these messages to keep you strong and on the right track. Focus all your energy into your little boy and giving him the beautiful life he deserves with you.

Well done on sending the email OP.
It’s fantastic that you and your DS will have somewhere to go.
There’s no reason to feel guilty, he’s truly awful to you.
Instead feel empowered, you’re putting yourself and your DS first and making a better life for you both. Go you!

Can you leave with your mum? Do you have any access to money at all?

I know it's terrifying but you can do this, can you write down the reasons for your anger and the things you have to look forward to without this man to remind you in moments when you doubt yourself (only natural - especially for victims of abuse)

You're doing so well. Don't feel guilty, there is no guilt in trying to help yourself and your son to get away from a controlling, bullying rapist. Keep focusing on your son and how he needs to be brought up in a safe environment. Why feel guilty over him? He doesn't feel guilt about raping and bullying you, he doesn't feel guilt about driving your mother away, he doesn't feel guilty that his son has an awful childhood... The reason he has nobody else is because he's vile and nobody wants to be around him, so he's hooked his claws into you and won't want to let you go.

Hello OP. I have not had a chance to read all the replies , but i wanted to come on here to tell you I was in your position last year. Even though : im at least 10 years older than you , my own money and career and loads of family support : AND I WAS STILL TERRIFIED. My ds was 3 at the time and my heart broke for him.
You are so strong op and I know you can do it .
These ladies on here are fantastic please keep talking. Let me tell you that a year on I know that I've done right by ds to get him away from that situation and I feel completely detached from my ex.
Keep going your day will come