What can I do?

[CaughtInHisTrap]

I'm not sure where to post this but it's about the end of a relationship so I hope till be ok here.

So, I don't know where to start but about 10 years I met my partner, I was in my early 20s he was nearly 40 (but lied about his age, among other things).
The trouble is up till I'd met him I had severe social anxiety and depression and was housebound since my mid teens (missing a lot of school and not getting any qualifications etc), when we met I'd just started seeing a dr and getting cbt, leaving the house slowly. Partner followed the 'treat em mean keep em keen' rule and I was so desperate to please him I lost al sight of the progress of made and focussed on winning his approval.

Anyway I could write a lot on the relationship but I already know it's abusive mentally and sexually. And I'm so fucking sick of it I already know it's not right and I want out but here's my problem, I'm feeling completely trapped.

In the ten years since I've met Partner -I've not had any work experience or got any qualifications, I've barely left the house (he doesn't like me going out without him).
-We've had a son (almost 4).
-My dad has recently died and my mum is in v poor health and all my siblings are living abroad, so i don't have anyone to ask for help.
-Partner hasn't let me be involved in the running of the house e.g. Paying bills dealing with finances etc so I have no idea.
-as well as all this all the confidence is started to gain has gone and I'm depressed. I'd end it all if it didn't mean my son would be left with him.

So after all that, my question is what can I do? I have no chance of getting a good enough job to support my son and me and run a house and I have no idea how to go about it anyway.
I'm just so fucking sick of him and this miserable existence. I always think, you have one life, what's the point in being miserable but I don't know what to do. My son deserves so so so much better.

I wanted to say hello and let you know there is a bright future out there for you without this guy.

Having experienced abusive relationships, I can tell you that scary as it seems now to leave, the day will come when you look back and think leaving was one of the best choices you have ever made in your life.

This is going to sound a little harsh and so apologies in advance, this man has brainwashed you into taking responsibilty for his well being at a time when you were emotionally vunerable. That is why you feel guilty for leaving him.

You are responsible for your life choices and well being, he is responsible for his.

It is not possible to take responsibility for something you have no control over and none of us have any control over the thoughts and behaviour of another person. Once you leave and he realises you are not coming back to him, it won't take long for this idiot to find someone else to manipulate into looking after him.

You can do this.

OP,

Your partner has shown by his controlling actions and sexual abuse how little he cares for your or your feelings.

The only way that people like you manage to extract yourselves from this almost Stockholm Syndrome-type situation is to return the favour.

You absolutely have to stop worrying about him being on his own. Because (a) he’s a grown man who managed to navigate through life just fine for many years without you, and (b) he doesn’t deserve that compassion anyway.

You have two huge priorities here : your son and your own well-being. That’s all you need to focus on. And anytime you’re feel shaky about what you have to do, focus on those things.

And remember, despite what your husband may have told you, none of this is rocket science - finding work, getting somewhere to live, etc. All it takes is determination and support. Determination is the most wonderful quality which costs nothing, and anyone can have it in spades if they learn to dampen their doubts and focus on what they want. And support/advice - you can get that from your mum, from people on here, and from entities like WA.

You CAN do this.

anger is good. it makes you make a plan. Now make one, and dont tell him about it. Until you are ready to just leave, and then leave. And wash that man out of your hair. He doesn't serve you. Your life is important, sacred. Use it. Be the role model to your kid. Great things are coming, take action sister.

Did you say that your mum lives in another country? If she does, do you have a passport for your son? You could tell your partner you are going to help your mum. Then stay there and make a new life. It is good that she invited you to stay with her. An easier transition to standing on your own two feet. Plus, she is ill, so you can help her.

Why on earth are you feeling sorry for that man? Put yourself first.

If I were your mum, particularly given how ill she is, I would do anything to help my daughter. I could die happy if I thought she was safe and away from him.

Could you say that you have to go back with your mum because she isn't well? Do you and your son have British passports?

If you have a British passport you can get one for your son in about 2 weeks. You can still get the form from the post office if u don't want anything traced on line. The p.o also do a check and send service to help u

I agree with the others don't tell him you are going just go. I made that mistake and he made my life hell, even worse than it was !

Oh myblood ran cold when l read what he has been doing to you, now l am shaking with anger on your behalf, how dare he, he is an ABUSIVE RAPIST who deserves to rot in hell ...please don't waste a second more feeling ANYTHING for him, he is lower than a rat in a sewer.

Please try and leave with your mum anyway you can, talk to her when he is not around, but be very careful, any monster that can joke about raping you repeatedly is extremely dangerous.......

Thank you all so much for your replies!! I think I started to panic and really needed support and reassurance earlier and although I wasn't able to reply I was reading them when I got the chance and it means so much to me. I've not had a friend since secondary school and this thread has made me feel less alone and also shown me what I've been missing.

My mum is gone now, thankfully. I miss her already but he was making her so uncomfortable I'm glad she's out of it. I wasn't really able to go back with her but I think the suggestion of telling him that I need to go back to help her is one I'm going to use. We all live in the uk but at opposite ends (I moved away for him). And my siblings are lovely but they have families and live in New Zealand and US so I don't want to worry them.
After my dad died, mum moved out of the family home into a one bedroom flat so it'll be a squeeze but we'll be ok because we love eachother.
Before she moved though, I stayed with her for about 6 weeks to help her after dad's death and although we were all devastated and grieving, those six weeks with just my son and my family were so freeing and I nearly didn't come back. I so wish I'd listened to myself.

I've been imagining my life with my son and all the things we have to look forward to and I'm feeling so much more positive, I'm not scared for the future now. I don't know why, that worry has lifted.
Although the bit before that is worrying me now, the transition I guess and the logistics of moving our lives across the country and dealing with any fall outs.

I was also thinking about the guilt. I feel so guilty leaving a man in his 50s alone. But my mum is also alone, she's in her 70s. She's ill, she's depressed and last year she lost her husband of nearly 50 years. She gave birth to me, raised me, loved me and supported me my whole life and I think that's what I need to focus on if I'm going to worry about someone being alone.
Sorry if my posts are long or don't make sense but they really are helping me to think things through. And I can't tell you how much it means to have people telling me they care, giving me advice and telling me their own stories. Like I said, I don't have any friends so you are giving me the strength and support I can't find from anywhere else and you really are special lovely people so thank you

Op you are amazing xx
Sorry just had to tell you xx

Keep talking on here. Everyone is rooting for you

@Dundeeflowers thank you so much. I don't think I'm amazing, but I'm finding a strength I didn't know I had and it's only since posting on here. Truly, when I started this thread I was sick of this relationship but I didn't believe I'd be able to do anything about it. I'm doing it though, I still don't know how exactly. I don't have a plan yet. But it's going to happen and I'm so certain of it. I wish I could have you all in my life, you would make amazing supportive friends so I just feel so lucky I posted here because otherwise I'd still be feeling hopeless and lost.

Thank you @NoraEphronsneck it means so much to me! I'm going to keep posting, and one day I'm going to be on the other side. I know it, I just need to keep reminding myself and take it one step at a time.

You are, I wish I had your strength xx
Good luck & all the best for you and your son

You are being very brave just by planning and thinking what to do.... my situation is not as bad as yours but all I would say is take a little step at a time, and any time you feel it’s overwhelming, look at your little son and you will gain amazing strength. I am nearly out - it takes time but you can get there xx

@Dundeeflowers do you know what? I don't think we know our own strength sometimes. And for me I feel your strength lifting me up and I'm realising how important it is to share the strength we have.
I'm sorry if it sounds really cheesy or doesn't make sense, I'm not sure how to express it but thank you xx

Keep safe and be strong, sending you kind thoughts

OP you have an out, take your son and go with your mother. Work it out from there.

You are dooming your son to future mental health problems if you stay. Do it for him.

When you're strong enough, report the bastard for raping you.

@ItsInTheSpoon I'm seeing that now. The small steps you take snowball. I started with a thread on Mumsnet, which led to me contacting WA for advice and talking to my mum. I can't believe I told her I want to leave, I didn't think I'd ever admit to anyone else.
I drove mum to the airport today and on the way home it was just me and my son in the car and I loved it. Just us. I wish I could've driven off with him somewhere.

@gamerchick I'm leaving, in my mind I'm already gone. Once I'm out I know it'll be easier, I really do know that. I just need to be brave and stay strong.

And thank you @rainbowruthie I do appreciate the messages of support and I will be rereading them all when I need to!

OP what a terrible situation. He is a cruel, manipulative rapist. You must get away. You have a wonderful mum and your beautiful DS, and family who love you. Draw on all of that for strength and motivation. You can do this. You will get through this. Imagine how great life will be when you're free of him. Wishing you all the love and strength x

You can do this.

Op, doesn’t sound cheesy at all, made me cry sorry I’m in a vulnerable place atm and your strength has inspired me xxxxx stay strong xxxx

Think of him when you feel weak. You are on a mama bear mission to get him out of that and you'll sort yourself out later. Stay focused and source and ask for the help you need to do it.

I really want you to come back to your thread in a year's time to update how far you've come. Now is the perfect time before the bairns starts school.

Call DWP and get your ESA payments switched to your bank tomorrow. Start saving as much as you can x