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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband been booking prostitutes

80 replies

unsureonwhattodo · 02/02/2019 23:35

Hi,

I'm looking for help, I really don't know what to do. I have just found emails from my husband trying to arrange to see two different prostitutes. I'm away having a holiday with family with our 6 month old baby as he has a lot of work on this week. I'm ashamed to say I checked his emails, something I've never done before but I've felt uneasy. He's emailed one woman asking how it works and making an appointment. He cancelled the appointment because of the weather. He asked the other for an appointment, she replied the next day, then he said he was busy but would definitely like to see her at some point. When I called him out on it he apologised over and over, said he was embarrassed and was doing it to get a kick as porn doesn't do it for him anymore and he wouldn't have gone through with it and felt stupid. Has anyone got any experience in this or advice? I feel lost, unattractive and so so sad xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

unsureonwhattodo · 03/02/2019 05:07

He said because it felt more real than porn whatever that means. He asked if they were available, got no reply from one until the next day, then another one he must have booked (but he must have deleted the email) in advance where he asks of she wants to cancel because of the weather. Then he tells them both he's got alot on at the moment but will maybe contact them again at some point

OP posts:

Original poster

unsureonwhattodo · 03/02/2019 05:09

Ah thank you! I know, I just don't know who :(

OP posts:

iogo · 03/02/2019 05:09

RL = real life. You need to talk to a friend that can support you.

It would be a deal breaker for me. I think the PP that said "stop making excuses for him" might have said that because you're mentioning not losing the baby weight or being as toned as you were. By saying that, you're actually suggesting a portion of the reason why he did this is down to you.
IT ISN'T. None of that matters.

I'd be arranging my exit from someone who would disrespect me so badly.

Original poster

unsureonwhattodo · 03/02/2019 05:12

Ah thank you. I might have worded it wrong, definitely not blaming myself, just meant body confidence isn't what it was. Thank you for replying. It's hard to pick someone to tell. What a mess eh

OP posts:

Original poster

unsureonwhattodo · 03/02/2019 05:14

Was meant to be 5 days but due to ice and snow looks like 8 days

OP posts:

Weenurse · 03/02/2019 05:20

Use the time to think about your relationship and how you want to go forward

Snuggz · 03/02/2019 07:01

How are you not more outraged?

You’re on a family holiday with his 6 month old baby and he has been at home arranging to pay for sex with prostitutes.

Let that sink in for a second.

Regardless of whether he was actually intending to go or whether it was for kicks, how can you ever trust this cretin ever again? When the trust is gone, the relationship is dead.

I’d spend today letting him know your marriage is over and start looking for a solicitor to sort out the finances and child visitations.

Have a read of this thread which is very similar, maybe it will give you the courage you need to leave him and realise your self-worth:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3494723-husband-on-tinder

category12 · 03/02/2019 07:11

If he's telling the truth, that porn is no longer doing it for him, so he's moved to this, what happens when booking them no longer hits the spot? Escalation again.

He's broken your trust, and I'd be out, personally.

WhereAreAllTheUsernames · 03/02/2019 07:19

If this was me and my dp done this he'd be GONE!

Original poster

unsureonwhattodo · 03/02/2019 08:28

Oh trust me, I'm devastated. I'm completely lost

OP posts:

TearingUpMyHeart · 03/02/2019 08:39

Been there. Big hugs to you xxxxx you are in shock. Everyone on here walks out straight away. Your head is reeling, take your own time. It took me 18 months (I am slow to act lol).

Start talking to people - friends, family, whichever is easier. It makes it real. Moves the shame where it belongs. Don't tell everyone yet, just people you can really trust.

And it's not about you, your body, any of that. He just wanted a shag for the kicks.

anxiousbundle · 03/02/2019 08:50

Save the emails OP- send them to yourself, can be useful when filing for divorce and also if his family gets stroppy with you for taking the baby away. Just show them what their perfect son has done to you and they will shut up

He's a piece of shit, I would definitely leave too, but take as much time as you need! People on here seem to have everything packed and walk out the same day! (Pretty unreasonable) You have a small baby and that's stressful enough, can you afford to live somewhere else?

Bumblebee27 · 03/02/2019 09:05

I have been through similar recently although not to his extent. I found emails where my oh was 'enquiring' shall we say about a particular service. It didn't involve sexual contact but it wasnt something I was at all happy about. We are a few months down the line now and my trust is still shattered. BUT I do believe him when he says he wouldn't have gone through with anything and that sending the emails and looking into it was part of a thrill for him. I still have to battle everyday with the uncertainty of whether or not it would have gone further had I not found out. It's horrible.
But for us it wasn't the end and it's something I hope we have both learnt from. The nature of his enquiries (I can't really say much without going into gory details) meant that it was something he was embarrassed about talking about with me. But everyone's circumstances are different. Only you can decide whether or not you believe your oh would have really gone ahead and whether there is anything worth left saving. For me there was but I've made it very clear to oh that any further errors will not be forgiven.
I know that to other people it really is as cut and dry as just leave him. But when it's your own life it's a lot more complicated imo

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/02/2019 09:50

How are you this morning OP now that you've had some more time to think about it?

Have you arranged for a STI check yet?

rosabug · 03/02/2019 09:59

I think I probably agree with the working girls. That's what I thought when I first read the post.

It's hard to digest when you are in the middle of something like this, but people's sexuality remains (to varying extents) independent of the key relationship. I've had and heard lots of fantasies that include scenarios I would never want in real life. The internet allows for a further semi-real level of fantasy. I really think your partner was just playing about, however it's a good thing you've caught it now and a good sign that he didn't try and gaslight you by going apeshit that you'd read his emails.

What do next? My advice for what it's worth. Try to think tacitly. Make him know how serious you take this - can you ask him to stay somewhere else for a while? Then start an honest conversation that is based on trust - because - if you don't and you beat him shitless with shame, you are simply driving it underground and planting the seed of future trouble. Get behind what he was thinking. Talk to each other.

Of course if, during this process, you discover he's just telling you what you want to hear, or trying to pass the buck to you (your weight for example, which is bullshit - don't buy it) or for example "porn doesn't do it for him anymore" - what sort of statement is that???? Does he have a problem here?? Then you will have to consider more serious options. But to begin with - talk - as dispassionately as you can.

summer151 · 03/02/2019 10:10

Everyone deserves a second chance to redeem themselves. Maybe he didn't realize the consequences of his actions If he is a decent human being in all other areas I wouldn't be quick to just up and leave.

user1479305498 · 03/02/2019 11:25

Summer, I don’t agree, the thing is you see it’s actually very hard to feel remotely the same about someone after trust is broken to that level. My H would be gone for even ‘researching’ prostitute sites. The frequent porn pisses me off as it is , anymore than that and it’s goodbye .

SoleBizzz · 03/02/2019 12:44

I believe he has had sex woth prostitutes before meeting you at least or whilst with you. His failed attempts are the tip of the iceberg. It is a hurt I have foubd the hardest to accept out of everything that has ever hurt me. Vile creepy thing to fo whilst on a relationship. Get rid. Be the dumper. Tell everybody.

Bumblebee27 · 03/02/2019 12:50

@SoleBizzz All due respect, but how can you possibly know that?! You could be right but it's just as possible that he got a bit over excited while browsing the internet and started emailing them for the first time. The only person who actually knows the truth is him. Which is unfortunate for the op.

I find it ludicrous that based on one short post by a stranger, posters feel that they are qualified to say what has and hasn't gone on as if their opinions are factual. It's like saying 'well if he's done it once he'll definitely do it again'. Yes many people do cheat again but equally some learn from their mistakes and move forward positively. Without knowing the person and the full history (and sometimes even then) it's impossible to say what someone else's motives are.

It's obvious that he's done wrong by even looking at it but I really don't think it's fair or helpful to say he's probably done it before.

Teaandcrisps · 03/02/2019 13:00

Sorry your going through this - what made you check his emails? Have you been happy with him?

KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 13:04

that he got a bit over excited while browsing the internet and started emailing them

Holy do I can't believe what I'm reading - even if he clicked on a link on a porn site (which we don't know, hd could've specifically searched for them) ... There's still a gigantic, huge, monumental, stratospheric fkg step in actually going ahead and contacting a real live prostitute to arrange sex!!!! It should have been dismissed as an idea the second if popped into his head - because he's a married man.

His boundaries, rules for himself are fucked up.

And I'm with the camp that he may have used them before and may be at it again, I'm sorry.

KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 13:05

I don't think it's a coincidence he did it when the coast was clear i.e. his poor wife was off elsewhere looking after his child with her family.

KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 13:09

I think they base it on very painful life experiences.

Considering prostitutes for sex is already at the degenerate end for a man. Plus every man caught contacting them says it was just fantasy, and while the sex workers who've commented above say it's common - it's equally possible the man does follow through.

Many partners who were told it was 'just' fantasy found out later it wasn't.

KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 13:13

'Porn doesn't do it for him anymore'

Poor pet!

He should clearly be given a hall pass for emailing prostitutes then, we wouldn't want him to be bored and unsatisfied.

So would he be fine and dandy with it if he found emails from old to male escorts/prostitutes re possible future meetings? Would she have been just looking, just indulging a fantasy??

KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 13:14

*from op

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