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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exhausted by partner’s MH

73 replies

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:14

My story is too long and too complicated for here. His MH has been an issue before and it seems to be particularly bad right now. I’m exhausted by not getting it right, by picking up the pieces, by being the rock for the kids, by being blamed, be being called a victim if I ever say it’s difficult, by not being able to talk about my own feelings or problems lest they add to his, by worryng if he’s going to be there when I get home or not, by seeing the impact it has on the kids, by one minute feeling I want to leave and can’t take it any longer. and the next feeling blissfully happy when he’s well. I don’t know why I’m posting here- I have friends to talk to and have messaged some therapists- family are supportive and take kids here and there - in spite of that- I just feel a bit alone with it all and can’t talk to him about it -he himself is frightened of MH rearing it’s head and feeling unsupported and unloved in spite of all my efforts to show and tell him otherwise. Our sons needs require a lot of my time and energy and partly exacerbate his MH and lead to my compassion and empathy just running dry. Sometimes I don’t have anything to give him and I feel bad about tha. I hardly ever feel I have any compassion for myself. Recently I feel nothing but exhausted. I guess I’m just venting and looking for others who may have advice or who’ve been there. I don’t feel like anyone I’ve spoken to understands what it is like to love someone absolutely who can totally disappear and become a different person overnight. I don’t know how long that person will stay or what to do for them. -I pretty much just wait it out

OP posts:
Reflexella · 02/02/2019 22:17

A diagnosis of MH doesn’t give a person free reign to be a total arse.

Reflexella · 02/02/2019 22:19

Your mental health needs to be looked after too

Biancadelrioisback · 02/02/2019 22:21

I started a thread on AIBU for wives and girlfriends of partners who suffer from MH conditions. Loads of people on there who are also going through something similar

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:22

I know. My MH needs prioritising. I’m coming to that conclusion a bit late in the game to be honest. But am calling back Monday morning to make an appointment and taking an hour a week out to talk about it with someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:22

Do you have a link? Sounds useful

OP posts:
RednaxelasPony · 02/02/2019 22:23

Is he getting professional help? Is he taking medication as part of that? Basically is he taking responsibility for himself and the impact it has on you and DC?

If not then he's a dickhead and you can kick him out. Don't waste any more effort throwing yourself into the black hole. It's a trap to think any of it is your fault or within your power to fix. You did not break him and you cannot fix him.

Giraffey1 · 02/02/2019 22:24

Is you pr H getting help for his condition? Is he taking meds etc?

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:29

He refuses to take meds after a long time on them where he felt they didn’t help. He tried to take responsibility for other things that help - time on his own- swimming, his art- eating well- was helping for a time but he’s stopped being so disciplined and slipped backwards. He keeps saying he will start those things again but hasn’t

OP posts:
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 02/02/2019 22:31

I just don’t view MH as a free pass in a relationship (I suffer MH issues btw)!

I don’t expect my DP to live his life on eggshells and certainly not wondering if I’ll still be here when he gets home! I’m sorry but your DP is holding an emotional gun to your head and that is NOT ok!

MH issues are fine- some have them, some
dont and both is fine. Those who have them and ask for/get help- FINE

Those who inflict their mental health on their children and close families, trapping them and making their lives miserable - NOT OK

I’d leave if I were you and I’d expect to be left if I were him!

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:32

His needs to be mentally well are basically more time alone- more space etc- he says the family makes him unwell. When this first started it was just our relationship he saw as causing the MH- now it’s the family. I see it has an effect- as a cause of stress- but i think his MH cycles and sometimes he is able to cope with stresses of family life/being in a relationship and sometimes not at all

OP posts:
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 02/02/2019 22:34

I’m sorry but I had a massive eye roll reading that OP!

I’m glad he enjoys his alone time and art/swimming- whilst you’re miserable!

I guarentee you if you get a ‘diagnosis’ he won’t cut you a quarter of the slack you’re doing him! He’ll expect you to carry on as normal as that’s more convenient for him!

He sounds like an arse

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 02/02/2019 22:39

I had an ex once who I dated for about a year (I’m very strong/independent and only show MH issues when you really get under my outer skin) he was very ‘snowflakey’ with his MH- anything he didn’t want to deal with (normal stressful adult situations) he claimed were ‘making him suicidal’

I ended up somewhere between his mother and his carer but surprisingly when something came up that he wanted to do- he was suddenly fine 🤔

I ended things - he said ‘if you leave I’ll kill myself’ - I mean that was 4 years ago and surprisingly he’s still alive!

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 02/02/2019 22:40

Sometimes I feel he is incredibly selfish. Other times I can see how terrifying the experiences he’s having must be and that he would do anything to preserve himself

OP posts:
Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 03/02/2019 07:30

Compassion fatigue is very real. So are people who are diagnosed with mental health issues and then take the piss.

I don’t which category best describes you and your husband but the answer is the same - set boundaries and take time for yourself.

winecigsandchoc · 03/02/2019 07:34

what mental health diagnosis does your DH have OP? He has a diagnosis of a recognised DSM MH condition?

rainflowerstar · 03/02/2019 07:35

If he won't help himself then that would be a dealbreaker for me and I'd be asking him to leave.

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 03/02/2019 07:35

Thank you. He said the other day that if we can’t sort out the stress caused by our sons special needs he would leave to protect his MH. On the one has that feels awful. On the other- a cloud would be lifted from the home. It depends if we’re talking well husband/ dad or unwell, literally like two different people

OP posts:
category12 · 03/02/2019 07:35

Maybe staying together isn't the best option. Especially if he blames family life for his issues.
Could you live apart?
Have you considered ending the relationship?

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 03/02/2019 07:40

last time his MH issues came to the surface I was terrified of him leaving and did everything I could to make it work. I walked on egg shells for so long. Then my husband was back and we had so many happy times. Now it seems we’ve gone full cycle I want to support him but I just don’t know if I have it in me to do it all again... I’d leave if I didn’t think there was a chance he could come through it, but there’s always the promise of the person I know he is when well- making it very hard to do that.

OP posts:
candlefloozy · 03/02/2019 07:41

I'm sure I've started threads about this before. My partner suffers with mh issues. When he's having a bad time I find I can't say anything to him which might be a criticism because then he "cant do anything right" so I find I just end up doing things for myself etc. I spend all the time with our kids and he just doesn't feel up to anything. When he's well life is great. But when he's not or has spurts when he's not well it's not good. But as someone else has said just because he has mh issues it doesn't mean he can be an arse. Which I've noticed there is a difference!!!

winecigsandchoc · 03/02/2019 07:42

@Whatcouldpossiblygowrong what is you DH formal mental health diagnosis?!

avocadoincident · 03/02/2019 07:44

Is there a thread on here for support for wives and girlfriends of people suffering from depressi...http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3478324-is-there-a-thread-on-here-for-support-for-wives-and-girlfriends-of-people-suffering-from-depression-anxiety

CherryPavlova · 03/02/2019 07:48

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything to help himself. Sounds like far from helping with your son, he’s adding to the burden.
He sounds incredibly selfish rather than incredibly ill.

bollocksitshappenedagsin · 03/02/2019 07:58

My ex has depression & anxiety. He also had mostly controlled alcohol issues. Which fed which I don't know. It was exhausting - if he asked if something he cooked for dinner was nice and I said it wasn't as nice as last time it was taken as personal criticism.

He did nothing to help his mental health at all, ate junk 90% of the time unless I cooked or it was the 'big effort' meal he cooked. Did no exercise - would even walk if he was going to the shops 5 minutes walk away.

He had tablets and would take them but usually if he felt himself going downhill didn't do anything about it until he was at crisis point.

We split now and house is much happier and calmer.

.