Exhausted by partner’s MH

[Whatcouldpossiblygowrong]

My story is too long and too complicated for here. His MH has been an issue before and it seems to be particularly bad right now. I’m exhausted by not getting it right, by picking up the pieces, by being the rock for the kids, by being blamed, be being called a victim if I ever say it’s difficult, by not being able to talk about my own feelings or problems lest they add to his, by worryng if he’s going to be there when I get home or not, by seeing the impact it has on the kids, by one minute feeling I want to leave and can’t take it any longer. and the next feeling blissfully happy when he’s well. I don’t know why I’m posting here- I have friends to talk to and have messaged some therapists- family are supportive and take kids here and there - in spite of that- I just feel a bit alone with it all and can’t talk to him about it -he himself is frightened of MH rearing it’s head and feeling unsupported and unloved in spite of all my efforts to show and tell him otherwise. Our sons needs require a lot of my time and energy and partly exacerbate his MH and lead to my compassion and empathy just running dry. Sometimes I don’t have anything to give him and I feel bad about tha. I hardly ever feel I have any compassion for myself. Recently I feel nothing but exhausted. I guess I’m just venting and looking for others who may have advice or who’ve been there. I don’t feel like anyone I’ve spoken to understands what it is like to love someone absolutely who can totally disappear and become a different person overnight. I don’t know how long that person will stay or what to do for them. -I pretty much just wait it out

I would let him get on with his pity party on his own... if you won't take meds and seek help he is going to drag you down with home and where does that leave the DC?

You seem to be stuck in an endless cycle do something needs to change.

It must be horrendous and I know it sounds callous but he is either refusing to take responsibility or isn't well enough to and needs medical intervention.

I think the problem is that he goes through a cycle of taking responsibility and accepting he doesn’t cope very well and has MH issues. In that place he has empathy for others and swims eats well etc. When he’s stressed- he shuts down- is unpleasant and agitated - and selfish in order to self preserve. It is so hard to leave that person knowing the other one is in there somewhere. The cycle can be as short as a day or as long as months so u never know how long til he resurfaces

I would live apart tbh, your DC will be learning this pattern of behaviour and either replicate him or you in their future relationships.

That’s what I’m starting to think. He did start counselling last week which was a good sign. On the other hand hes khad a couple of angry outbursts which have been quite worrying.

I think he will either shape up or ship out, either way it will end the tortuous situation you have tolerated for so long.

Yes I’m mentally giving it a go- but if he has another angry outburst at me or the kids I am drawing a line and he might need time out

I don't believe that you should stay in any relationship that has you in such despair and has such a negative impact on your DC's one and only childhood.

It doesn't matter if your partner has mental health issues or has abusive neurotic issues or whether it is both, because the effect on you is the same. You end up living on the crumbs offered by the rare times when he is behaving normally exactly as do all abused women.

I think you need to live apart. If he loves you he would totally and utterly accept that. If he doesn't, then you will know him for what he is.

It s not worth putting up with the rubbish for a few crumbs

"It is so hard to leave that person knowing the other one is in there somewhere"

Look at it the other way..so hard to have some good bits knowing it s only days before it it all goes rubbish again...

Can you support d s and have energy for this adult too?
Go see a counsellor yourself and talk thru options including separating

He sounds a selfish arse OP, and far too up his own selfish arse to see daylight.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think people use their MH as a get out of jail free card a little too much at times.................

What about your MH having to deal with everything he can't??!

My own wellbeing is definitely suffering. I’m always exhausted to the point of dreading getting up in the morning and knowing I don’t have the energy for the day. Last night about 10-he asked if he could have the morning to go swimming- which I thought- ok I will find the energy to sort the kids while he does that- then he said it would better if he has a lie in first for the morning then swim in the afternoon. He’ll come home and have a bath after tht and that will be his day. I know some people with perfectly good MH who regularly take the Saturday out to themselves so I tried to be supportive but started panicking about how tired I’d be- so said I would do it but would go straight to bed so I wasn’t too tired to get up with the kids etc.
He made me feel really bad that I’d mentioned I was tired as it made him feel guilty and kept saying ‘I thought you said you would support me- now you’re making all this fuss’ Went to bed feeling can’t win

I had a very similar marriage to you and I too was exhausted with supporting my DH and my 3 children (one of whom has SN). DH didn't work but still was unable to do anything in the house or with the children, but made me feel terrible if I asked him to do anything because it would make him more depressed. He also refused to seek help. He was eventually diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but that just gave him more ammunition as to why I should be looking after him. I eventually left him after 30 years and am the happiest I've ever been in my adult life because I don't need to worry about him any more. Don't leave it as long as I did to put you and your children first. Take care.

Hi, I’m really worried and upset for you, OP.

I really struggle with my MH, and I really rely on my DH for support, but part of that is understanding that he needs to look after his own MH and replenish his own well-being in order to do that. So it’s not just about saying ‘thank you’ or acknowledging if I’ve hurt him during a bad patch, but actively making sure he gets time to himself and feels looked after as much as I do.

This seems to be where your DH is falling down. If he isn’t able to understand that he is drawing on a limited resource (your strength), you need to set the boundaries for him. If that means asking him to leave, temporarily or permanently, that’s completely reasonable.

In the long run, if he sucks you dry, you won’t be able to help him anyway, so this would just be cutting a painful process short.

It’s even possible this would get him to sort himself out, but don’t rely on it.

It makes for such sad reading op, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this raising dc is hard enough without doing it as a single parent and looking after a dh who has severe mh issues. No wonder you are tired.

What would happen if you agreed to his Saturday requests but then asked for some rest bite on Sunday for yourself?

Hey there, my husband has anxiety and depression - not bipolar though. It all stems from his horrific childhood and him spending much of his life thinking his parents’ behaviour and issues were all his fault. It’s taken him a long time to come to the recognition that he was the child and had no power over what happened to him.

He’s 40 now and I’d say it’s only the past 10 years he has really been able to take control. We’ve been together since teenagers and he’s always been a wonderful partner. It has been exhausting at times but I’ve always understood his issues are nothing to do with me.

I think it’s entirely unfair of your partner to blame you and your children for his mental health issues. There comes a point when a person has to take responsibility for how they feel and do whatever it takes to make it better.

Some examples for DH are that when he was stressed and anxious he would drink, he has knocked that on the head entirely and only drinks socially. It took a long time and he still struggles but if he feels like he wants to blank it all out he just goes off and does something else and the need passes. He loves a drink as well but knows it makes things worse not better.

He had hypnotherapy which helped him understand his childhood and gather techniques to deal with the times when he is struggling with how he feels. There’s a lot to be said for proper thought processes and breathing techniques to make sense of the noise inside. He will often lie on the bed for 20 minutes after work and listen to something like headspace. After that he’s back in the room.

A lack of sleep is a big issue for him and his mental health. He has worked hard to find a good pattern for himself to be able to at least stop getting up so many times in the night. He also recently started taking 5-HTP which currently seems to be working great, although it could be the placebo effect of course!

It’s an ongoing battle, which he recognises he will ever defeat, and while I support him in every way I can, he always reassures me that it is not my fault when he feels down.

I think different things work for different people and he really needs to figure out what works for him. And wanting to do it for the sake of the family he loves is absolutely crucial.

Thank you for all your messages. It is really helping just being able to think about myself even on here

He needs to move out so he doesn't feel guilty when you look after yourself and you need him to leave before you want to kill him with resentment...

He sounds like he rages when he feels like it and makes you feel guilty for even the smallest, implied request for consideration.

How dare he book a full, lovely, relaxing day off then push a guilt trip on you for planning ahead to avoid yourself being too tired. He can't have it both ways. And you really aren't his mother.

I know you want to help and cope, but your children must live in fear of his unpredictability. I've had both partner and, parent who were likely to fly into rages - or not - depending which way the wind blew, and waiting to see if they'd rage was almost worse than the anger itself. It's easier to deal with A chronically unpleasant person than someone who switches and leaves you living on pins. Those pins are sharp and stay with you.

I fear you’re right. But I guess when I do give him exactly what he says he needs and he is great again it makes me think maybe I’m ok with the payoff

On the other hand- we are only half way through the day- he’s just gone swimmming and so far not even a word of thanks. Is it unreasonable to expect him to acknowledge that I’m going extra so he can have a nurturing day? He says he shouldn’t have to thank me

He shouldn't have to thank you because he feels entitled to anything you do for him. He gives you the payoff of behaving like a reasonable human being on some of the occasions he gets what he wants - but not all of them, I'm guessing?

I know you're faithful to him, and want what's best in the long run. But both you and him matter, and your children matter too. It's not all about him, no matter how ill he is. You don't need permission to be happy and relaxed in your own home. Your happiness should not depend on hoping he will react well to being given whatever he wants.

He is mentally ill and also abusive. These two can coexist, it doesn't need to be assumed that he is abusive because he is mentally ill.

Your life would be automatically easier and better if you weren't living together.

If you must give in to guilt, and I know what this is like, then redirect it towards your children's needs and not just your partner.

Sounds really hard op. I know what it feels like to be burnt out at times, he sounds incredibly selfish. Mental health problems aren't an excuse to abandon your responsibilities.

Forget him for a moment...would it be possible to apply for some restbite care for dc so that YOU can have some time out?

He needs to help himself which includes taking his medication and exercise.

He's an adult at the end of the day. Sometimes parenting doesn't always go the way you expected it to in your head, but that's part of the deal.

It’s not unreasonable to expect thanks. My dh goes to the gym on a weekend and will ALWAYS suggest I do the same, and thank me for it. Unfortunately your dh mh issues means he’s only focusing on himself, to him that’s all he can see, he can’t see past his own needs and wants. So no matter what you do, he’ll never appreciate it. You’re onto a hiding to nothing I’m afraid.

So when do you get a break?
When do you decide your day?
It seems to be all about him and exhausting for you.
He is still a parent and has to manage his health so he can be a parent too
...
And you think oh I better do this do he doesn't blow up

Consider how it would be living apart?