Exhausted by partner’s MH

[Whatcouldpossiblygowrong]

My story is too long and too complicated for here. His MH has been an issue before and it seems to be particularly bad right now. I’m exhausted by not getting it right, by picking up the pieces, by being the rock for the kids, by being blamed, be being called a victim if I ever say it’s difficult, by not being able to talk about my own feelings or problems lest they add to his, by worryng if he’s going to be there when I get home or not, by seeing the impact it has on the kids, by one minute feeling I want to leave and can’t take it any longer. and the next feeling blissfully happy when he’s well. I don’t know why I’m posting here- I have friends to talk to and have messaged some therapists- family are supportive and take kids here and there - in spite of that- I just feel a bit alone with it all and can’t talk to him about it -he himself is frightened of MH rearing it’s head and feeling unsupported and unloved in spite of all my efforts to show and tell him otherwise. Our sons needs require a lot of my time and energy and partly exacerbate his MH and lead to my compassion and empathy just running dry. Sometimes I don’t have anything to give him and I feel bad about tha. I hardly ever feel I have any compassion for myself. Recently I feel nothing but exhausted. I guess I’m just venting and looking for others who may have advice or who’ve been there. I don’t feel like anyone I’ve spoken to understands what it is like to love someone absolutely who can totally disappear and become a different person overnight. I don’t know how long that person will stay or what to do for them. -I pretty much just wait it out

He had these diagnosis - depression, BP, anxiety. All the symptoms are brought on by physical (being tired hungry or ill) or emotional stress.

I went through this for years

Even more annoyingly, it eventually turned out his stress and anxiety were actually caused by his secret affair!!!!!

It's really hard op. It sounds like he currently thinks it is a free pass for you to run round after him, and almost threatening you with it eg he will leave. That is not nice or reasonable. Can you write a letter to him, saying the effect this is having on you and what you need to prioritise your own mental well being? A letter might be easier than talking. I would imagine that you, in his situation, would not expect hoop jumping ...he is being unreasonable

Is bp bipolar?

Yes Bp bipolar.
I spoke to him the other day and was clear about how I was feeling - what he heard was- his MH is an inconvenience for me and I would prefer him to be fine all the time please. There seems to be zero empathy. Which is typical of these phases.
Yep - tearingupmyheart- been there too- feel for you

I empathise OP. My DP has suffered with anxiety and depression for years. He takes his medication but drinks too much so he may as well not bother. He does not exercise as he was advised to do and he has no interests except watching TV.
Our teenage DS has a miserable life as his dad is constantly on his case. Following a fairly minor row (DP to blame) he has barely spoken to us for weeks. I worry about the effect on DS and I have ,for the first time ever, sought support for myself. Nobody outside , even close family, understands what we have to put up with at home.
DP is not the person I once knew and I am close to calling it a day .

He said the other day that if we can’t sort out the stress caused by our sons special needs he would leave to protect his MH.

In other words, you are to 'sort out' your child's SN because he can't be arsed with someone else, including his own child, taking the spotlight off himself and his MH. Furthermore, he's telling you he won't be taking any responsibility for his child who has SN.

Sorry, but what an arse! He won't take meds, he's stopped doing self-care and he expects all the rest of you, including a child with SN, to dance round him.

He needs to go. He'll be no help to you at all whatsoever, but he isn't now at any rate is also having a negative impact on everyone else in the house.

Sandgrown that sounds terrible. Feel for you too.
Some days (when it’s bad) I just long for someone who looks like they want to be here and is grateful and happy in their life - obviously id like for him to be happy too. This week I’ve cancelled one day of work, a night out and a medical appointment because I didn’t feel I could leave him on his own with the kids. Yet if I say it has an effect on me he sees it as selfish and uncaring.

Taimaand- the prob is when he’s well he’s v hands on with both children - lots of other friends have commented what a great dad etc- but when he’s not coping he has a short fuse and everything irritates him. Also feel I should clear up- he’s not expecting me to sort out the stress on my own- we’ve asked for help from a CAMHS service and we’ve agreed to go together to talk through how to support our child better. I worry if it makes no difference he will go which will devestate my son. I get he’s terififed of being ill again but I just can’t imagine ever leaving my son to protect myself

Well, it's probably not good for your son that his dad is two different people, either, OP. It might be protecting your son for him to leave.

@sandgrown

Honestly separating might be the best move if you can manage it.

It's really hard to describe but it's like a negative cloud has lifted off the house. If I was home he had very little involvement in family life but he was there brooding on the sofa.

I hadn't realised how much it was dragging me down - my parents had assumed it was work stress. To some extent it was but actually now everything else has been taken out the equation that's not an issue.

sandgrown please think of your son and leave this man. Kids deserve to be happy and comfortable in their own home, and to know their parents will look out for them. It does sound like you have it tough buy you have the choice here, your son doesn't.

Thank you all for your comments . It's good to hear from people who understand the situation. I suppose I keep hoping that somewhere inside is the man I first met. I know deep down inside I must leave for the sake of my son . In an odd way the house is more relaxed when he is not speaking to us as he is not making passive aggressive comments.

If he is not taking his meds because he thinks they aren’t working, he should be getting back to the GP. Not expecting you to shoulder all the resulting fallout.

Perhaps the reality is is that he can't be a husband or a full time father. He's just not capable of that.

He's putting himself first, who is putting you and your DS first? He isn't, so you have to. Really, it is as simple as that in the end.

Hmm, maybe you are not helping him? Without you around in the background, his mental health might become so poor that he will reach a place of asking for help and being prepared to accept medication.

I have bipolar 2. The mood stabiliser I take is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I fought it for years. It wasn’t until after my marriage broke up though, and I was coping with bringing up the children, & working, alone, that I hit enough of a crisis point to get help.

I had to go private for a diagnosis though, (then get medication back through NHS)but my psychiatrist is worth his weight in gold and I trust him.

Your DH has to WANT to get help though, not for you, not for anyone else, but for himself. The medication has horrible side effects for at least the first 6 weeks, and for me it felt like I got a bit worse before I got better. But by this point, I was desperate and believed that I wouldn’t see my children grow up if I didn’t try what was suggested to me. Also cut alcohol completely and stuck with that.

Look after yourself and your children OP. Your DH will drain everything you have got it you let him. You need that energy for yourself and your children, you cannot have it leeched away by an adult who is not ready to get help yet.

And it’s quite possible that during your DH’s “good” periods, that he is a little hypomanic. That brings energy and optimism and life seems bright and easier (and it isn’t always easy to see, just looks like a good mood). Then... the crash. Back into depression again. Which gives that look of two different people, and the cycle which always continues.

Thank you christmastigger. Very helpful post and very brave if you to share. I’m glad you’re well and got the help you need.

Yet again a night in tears over the absolute pits of living with this. Not sure I can do this any more. I think I’m going to ask him if he will move out- at least temporarily

That sounds so hard, op. I don't have any helpful advice but I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you. I hope you manage to find your way through this horrible situation.

I feel like I’m in a marriage with both Jekyll and Hyde. I don’t want to leave one- but I sure want to leave the other. Something shifted in me last night and I’m not sure I can walk on eggshells any longer

I finally had to leave my DH for exactly the same reasons. He was not a bad man, but he was bad for my family and my own MH.

Op I feel your pain and in all honestly if you feel like you’re living with Jekyl and Hyde then your dc will too. If he’s got SN then it’s likely he will pick up in this more than you think. Your dh might be making it harder for your dc. And your dc must be your primary focus. As should your own mh be, you can’t care for anyone if your own mh slips.
I’m afraid selfishness and mh goes hand in hand, he can’t (and won’t by the sounds of things) be anything else

I have several friends with BP they all take meds, it has been difficult for all of them to get the right drug for the etc.

It sounds like he decided to stop meds without believing how unwell he becomes off them which is a common problem for people that have BP.

You May need to accept that it is better for you and the DC to live apart from him, you need to prioritise yourself and the DC. I say this as someone who has been very very unwell in the past but has learnt that the only person responsible for my happiness/wellness is me.

When my DH became unwell with MH several years ago he dragged me down to a pit of despair (he denied anything was wrong for years) it took me arranging to leave for him to actually do what it took to get himself "better" as in start doing therapy, looking at meds etc.?

Thanks. After the almighty low last weekend he (as usual) has a flash of self reflection and remorse and said / did all the right things. Sure enough- it’s the weekend and we are back to square one

But if you/the family are apparently the cause shouldn’t you just tell him to leave? According to him he will improve then and you might see the other him back.
This is obviously not true if he’s full of it and it’s just the bp cycle but it does sound like you have done enough and you have dc to take care of.