Is kissing another woman that was a mistake and meant nothing really cheating?

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Hi - I'm so confused right now and need some help. I kissed another woman while extremely drunk - a stranger I'd never met before and will never see again. My husband saw us kissing and is furious. This has never happened before and it meant nothing to me; I can barely recollect it happening. I feel terrible about it but my husband refuses to discuss it and has just told me it's the same as if I had kissed a guy. He says it's full cheating and I'm really struggling with this because it was a one-off thing that never happened before and I don't know what the £&?! brought it on but it's totally out of character for me and it's not like it was some premeditated thing. There was no emotional connection or malicious intent in cheating, I didn't seek it out - I was blind drunk. He says none of that matters, cheating is cheating and he can't forgive me. I absolutely own up to making a huge and hurtful mistake but is that unforgivable?! 🙈 I just want to be able to tell him how horrible I feel about it but he shuts me down when I try to share how upset I am about what I've done. How can we start healing this together if he won't let me share how this has been eating me up inside too? Help!

If he had kissed a man in front of you, how would you react?

You missed someone else you cheated and in front of your husband!

how do you mistakenly kiss another woman

It’s cheating. Being drunk is never an excuse for poor behaviour.

Thats cheating in my eyes .

I know you’re upset but it’s not his job to listen to how upset you are and let you feel better about it. I think you need to “sit with” the hurt that’s been caused and wait for your husband to feel ready to talk and move forward.

In all honesty you can't. He needs time to process what has happened, and what he is capable of doing in or not doing in the future. Stop mentioning it, let him figure things out. When he is ready he'll let you know, one way or the other.

No matter how drunk I’ve been, I’ve never accidentally kissed someone.

I think you need to reconsider your drinking and recognise quite how awful it must have been for your husband to see you kissing someone else.

I wouldn’t consider that cheating. If my DH haddone that I would find it quite funny. I don’t think that you can take for granted that anything less than having sex is cheating without discussing it before hand.

And how would you feel if he got drunk and snogged someone else in front of you? Yes it’s cheating, not to mention utterly disrespectful, you’ve publically humiliated him.

If it had of been a man you kissed in front of your husband, would you view your behaviour differently?

Yes that is cheating in my book. I don't think you can accidentally kiss another person??

Thanks for all the replies. Im not saying it was accidental - it takes two to tango and I know what I did was horrible, shameful, disrespectful. It was also a mistake. I don't really drink and got myself very drunk and a kiss happened. My husband and I have been through much deeper, more trying issues before (not cheating) and despite the horrible things he has done, never once have I shut out his ability to discuss his feelings with me. I believe we all make mistakes and no one is perfect; it's how we work through them together in a relationship that matters most. I appreciate the point about not being in a position to share my feelings if he's not ready, it's just a big double-standard given our history and we've managed to get through much worse by both talking openly regardless of who is 'at fault'. Very confused

If my dh got drunk and kissed a man in front of me I'd not only be upset he cheated but I'd also be questioning his sexuality if I'm honest. It would make me very uncomfortable.

It's not a sexuality thing for me - I feel very uncomfortable about it myself tbh

Were you getting on ok before this? Any chance he was looking for an excuse? Cheating himself?

My ex would have loved it and pushed for a threesome, so we all have different views on it.

Sounds like it is maybe time to split if he can't get past it or will keep throwing it back in your face

Long time ago, I had a (female) friend who used to snog a (female lesbian) friend on nights out and didn't consider it cheating. When she did it in front of her husband on her birthday, he sure did.

It's a bit of a sniffy attitude to lesbians to think homosexual cheating is somehow not really cheating...

“A kiss happened”? Could you take less responsibility? You got pissed and snogged someone you shouldn’t have. Stop excusing your shitty behaviour.
And you want sympathy from his because you feel awful for something you did? Wow.
He deserves so much better.

Well it is cheating but not as bad as if you had done more than kiss so maybe he will forgive you if you promise to stop drinking to excess and show that you really are committed to that longterm. Honestly if you acted that way when drunk then you are not really capable of keeping yourself safe and it would be a good thing to do for you as well.

I would consider this a blip rather than cheating.

Likewise if my dh kissed another man I would wonder about his sexuality but I would not think that a drunken kiss (with a man or a woman) was any reflection on his love for me. I think even an emotional affair would be far more hurtful. It's the pre-meditation aspect. A drunken kiss - as a one off, not a regular event, would not bother me at all.

Oh but.. I was just drunk... it wasn't really me..

SICK of this kind of excuse!
Own it, you f**ked up and cheated, man/woman doesn't come into this, you betrayed him and lost any trust there was.
You want some advice, stop drinking..

You need to do things to show how sorry you are. You've really hurt your husband and now you need to show him your trying to make a mends. If he cant forgive one stupid drunk kiss after you've attempted to make up. Then you have to accept that. I hope it all works out for you.

Anything can be classed as cheating, it depends on your partner really and it's for them to decide.

Some partners won't stand for flirting with someone else as it shows a form of intent, even if it would never be acted on.

If I had a partner and they kissed another person, I'd class it as cheating.

All you can do now is accept what you've done and accept it's probably hurt him quite a lot. Give him a little time and space but let him know you're very sorry. Don't blame the alcohol tho, that'll just seem like a feeble attempt at dodging responsibility.

I've done almost exactly this before and my husband didn't mind. The opposite infact

If my husband reacted like that I would feel like he's almost been looking for an excuse to cause a rift. In the scheme of things does it really matter ?

Put another way, if I witnessed my hubby kissing another woman I would be pissed yes, I'd definitely make it clear to him, but would i consider throwing away a 10 year relationship and wrecking our kids lives? Not in a heartbeat.