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Original poster

Is kissing another woman that was a mistake and meant nothing really cheating?

63 replies

engen · 02/02/2019 17:08

Hi - I'm so confused right now and need some help. I kissed another woman while extremely drunk - a stranger I'd never met before and will never see again. My husband saw us kissing and is furious. This has never happened before and it meant nothing to me; I can barely recollect it happening. I feel terrible about it but my husband refuses to discuss it and has just told me it's the same as if I had kissed a guy. He says it's full cheating and I'm really struggling with this because it was a one-off thing that never happened before and I don't know what the £&?! brought it on but it's totally out of character for me and it's not like it was some premeditated thing. There was no emotional connection or malicious intent in cheating, I didn't seek it out - I was blind drunk. He says none of that matters, cheating is cheating and he can't forgive me. I absolutely own up to making a huge and hurtful mistake but is that unforgivable?! 🙈 I just want to be able to tell him how horrible I feel about it but he shuts me down when I try to share how upset I am about what I've done. How can we start healing this together if he won't let me share how this has been eating me up inside too? Help!

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 02/02/2019 18:34

I don't think one drunken kiss (whoever it's with) is the end of the world and I really don't think it warrants your husband's full on cheating I can never forgive you attitude.
It's understandable for him to be upset but unless this isn't a one off for you or its part of a much bigger picture you aren't telling us about I think you need to apologise ,you need to talk and move on.I wondered about saying he should get over it,but actually that's what I think - as the poster upthread said its a blip.You get lots of blips in a marriage of various kinds.You behaved badly but people do sometimes - is he perfect?

Drogosnextwife · 02/02/2019 18:49

I've done almost exactly this before and my husband didn't mind. The opposite infact

Yeah I bet he didn't 🙄

Drogosnextwife · 02/02/2019 18:56

Can't believe how many people would be absolutely fine with their dp or dh kissing someone else. How many times would you be ok with this before it started to annoy you?

14allall41 · 02/02/2019 19:08

I would absolutely not be ok and if my dh told me I should just get over it....that wouldn't help!

category12 · 02/02/2019 19:11

Given the history of your relationship, is it possible he's delighted to have something you're in the wrong for?

Yes, you did something stupid and hurtful, and possibly a dealbreaker.

If he says he can't forgive you, how does he intend to stay in the relationship? If he wants to stay together, he'll need to work on it with you, otherwise you'd better split.

InfiniteCurve · 02/02/2019 19:51

14allall41, just to be clear I don't think OP should tell her husband to get over it - that'd be unkind ,and I think anyone would be hurt by it.
But I,personally,do think he should get over it!

EdWinchester · 02/02/2019 19:53

Yes.

Boysandbuses · 02/02/2019 19:55

kiwimuma so it's ok to snog someone as long as a sexual fantasy of his? And he gets off on it? That's great for you and your relationship. That's up to you two.

The husband here obviously doesn't. That doesn't mean he is cheating ffs.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 20:02

It's a bit of a sniffy attitude to lesbians to think homosexual cheating is somehow not really cheating...
I think the implication is, if you aren’t homosexual and you kiss someone of the same sex is isn’t cheating because there is no sexual intent.

It would bother me if DH did it. It would bother me more if he thought that any behaviour was excusable just because he was blind drunk.

ChristmasFluff · 02/02/2019 20:04

The sex of the person you snogged makes no difference. Your sobriety when you snogged them makes no difference.

The survival of your marriage depends on you taking full responsibility for being a cheating arsehole, and you looking at how you can become a functional human being. Until you can do that, he is WAY better without you.

I really hope your husband comes to understand how abusive you are and how much ore he is worth

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/02/2019 20:06

Sorry but you cheated and all your attempts to excuse it must really be upsetting him and pissing him off - I'd be raging.

livinthedreamnot · 02/02/2019 21:36

www.alcohol.org/effects/inhibitions/

Alcohol is no excuse for bad behaviour. It affects your ability to think through the consequences of your actions and this allows you to act impulsively when your sober self perhaps would not.

I've often wondered if it's a person's true colours which come out when they are drunk so I can understand why your DH is not happy. When DH is ready to listen a heartfelt apology might help but don't blame it on being drunk or expect him to "get over it"...he might be feeling hurt and very insecure right now so it might take a while.

pandechocolate · 02/02/2019 21:45

Yes it is cheating. Being drunk is never an excuse.

Dimsumlosesum · 02/02/2019 21:54

If he sees it as cheating, it's cheating.

Believeitornot · 02/02/2019 22:21

If my husband reacted like that I would feel like he's almost been looking for an excuse to cause a rift

^this

You know him best OP and you indicate that you’ve had issues before and he’s been horrible? What exactly has happened?

I reckon he’s been no angel.

Chocolate123 · 02/02/2019 22:26

You kissed someone other than your partner. Regardless of male of female it's cheating. People use the i was drunk card way too often.

Tinkerbell89 · 02/02/2019 22:31

Yes and if you can't really remember that's kind of bad and could be maybe you're missing something in your relationship or somethings underlying. But yes I'd say this is cheating. How'd you feel if you saw him kissing someone else? Betrayed, hurt maybe confused.

Vivino · 02/02/2019 22:32

"My husband and I have been through much deeper, more trying issues before (not cheating) and despite the horrible things he has done, never once have I shut out his ability to discuss his feelings with me."

Was he abusive OP? Because like PP have said, he sounds absolutely delighted to be the victim here. I'm not saying what you did was right (and nor are you!) but his reaction is unusually strong.

Toptheginup · 02/02/2019 22:36

You're only human, you've made a mistake, apologise, wait until he's ready to talk and draw a line under it.
You're tying yourself up in knots over it. Best thing to do is watch your drinking and never allow yourself to make the same mistake again.
Yes it's cheating but it's done now, you have to live with it.

Summeriscomin · 02/02/2019 22:43

Sounds like he’s happy he can finally throw this in your face and be hurt and upset. Yes it’s a bit strange especially since your straight but alcohol makes you do strange things. Learn from it and promise yourself never to get yourself in that state again.

Don’t beat yourself up. You done a crazy thing whilst drunk. Of course you feel bad but that’s a good thing as it’ll only ensure you don’t repeat the same thing in future.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 23:09

If my husband reacted like that I would feel like he's almost been looking for an excuse to cause a rift

he sounds absolutely delighted to be the victim here....but his reaction is unusually strong

Sounds like he’s happy he can finally throw this in your face and be hurt and upset

I’m genuinely perplexed where people are getting this from. He said cheating is cheating and it’s unforgivable. Don’t we usually get a “LTB” on here? Once a cheat, always a cheat? Cheating is unforgivable?

But here someone kisses someone else in front of her partner and when he takes this stance, he is looking for a fight, having a too strong reaction, was waiting for something to throw in her face?

And the fact the OP is using his alleged past behaviour as some kind of pass for her doing this is entirely acceptable?

Unbelievable.

SandyY2K · 02/02/2019 23:41

Alcohol and mental health issues are used as an excuse for cheating or other inappropriate behaviour far too much these days.

OP... you're making far too many excuses and if you need to talk it through with someone...the person you hurt is not the person to do it with.

A therapist would be better...or another neutral party.

Was it a random woman? A friend? Surely something led up to this kiss, or the woman would have been surprised and pushed you off.

Did you forget your DH was there? Think about the sequence of events that led up to it.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2019 01:28

Your husband is traumatized because he witnessed you having a sexual experience with someone else. To him, you cheated. To him, you crossed a sacred line.

He doesn’t want to hear you minimize that you’ve been through worse crises. He doesn’t want to hear your excuses:

It meant nothing to me
I can barely recollect
It was a one-off thing
It’s totally out of character
It’s not like it was a premeditated thing
There was no emotional connection or malicious intent
I didn’t seek it out
I was blind drunk

You knew what you were doing. You felt entitled. Now, you must accept the consequences. If I were you, I would seek counseling.

TooManyPuppies · 03/02/2019 01:41

Regardless of your take on it, it's up to the husband or partner of the person what they feel is cheating. What is a deal breaker to them.

What anyone else, including the cheater, feels is irrelevant. I believe anyone who crosses the line should front up and be honest to their other half but it's up to the other half how they feel and what action they take.

user1481840227 · 03/02/2019 02:07

When did it happen? You don't say in your post or else I missed it even though I looked a few times.
His reaction is absolutely fine and normal if this happened in the past few days.
It's a completely different story if it was many weeks or months ago!

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