How do you know your marriage is over?

[soveryconfusedagain]

Am feeling so confused (hence user name - I've name changed for this).

How do do you know your marriage has gone past the point of no return?

In a nutshell.

We haven't had sex in four years - since we conceived youngest DC in fact.

We never had much chemistry in the first place - felt like it was always me 'pestering' him for sex. After having our DC, I wasn't bothered much anyway but I feel like I've just come out of a tunnel of night feeds and all consuming parenting and suddenly my sex drive is back - but I'm not sure we can ever have connection again.

We annoy each other. We are constantly bickering. A year or so ago, we went through an awful patch when he was working from home all the time and I was at home with the DC.

During that period, we had financial worries and weren't getting much sleep. We had terrible, almost violent arguments. In fact, he once threw something at me. We're okay now - just sort of pootling along I guess, but I never feel excited or particularly loved by him.

I accidentally walked into a door frame yesterday when hurrying after one of the DC. It really frigging hurt my shoulder. He didn't show any concern, just said 'well, you just walked into a door' as though I was stupid.

He says that I speak to him like he's one of the kids. I'm not aware of doing this but I don't think we bring out the best in one another. Then again, our DC are pretty young and very full on and we don't have family nearby to help so never get any quality time alone really.

All our friends and family think we are the perfect family. Sometimes, I kid myself that we are too.

I honestly don't think I could live with breaking up my kids' family unit or taking them out of their home (we own it jointly but neither of us would be able to buy the other out). He is a good dad. But I can't imagine living another 30 or 40 years like this.

So is my marriage over - and if it is, what do I do? Or is there any chance of saving it?

Any advice appreciated because all this uncertainty is driving me mad.

I've just realised that this wasn't 'in a nutshell' at all! Thanks for reading if you've got this far...

For me, when he left for the OW.

But our marriage had been dead for years. Seperate rooms for 8 years plus all you have written above.

We were both miserable but l never gave up hope that we'd sort it out. Although how l don't know as we barely spoke. Had completely separate lives.

Best thing he did was leave me for OW and l know he agrees!

Try and make it work first - counselling etc, so if it doesn't and you do split at least you have the peace of mind knowing that you tried

Thank you. I'm sorry that you went through that. It sounds awful. Although I'm glad that it meant you were ultimately free.

I feel a bit like that - that ending my marriage would give me freedom - not to be with anyone else but just to be happy again.

You're probably right about couples counselling - I saw a counsellor for PND, who suggested that DH and I would benefit from it. I don't know if he'd go for it though tbh.

Sorry nothing useful to add just felt like in same boat. Speaking less and less, declining concern/respect/patience for each other every day. We annoy each other. Stress of 2 young hyper kids, zero family help, both working full time, total exhaustion. I feel incredibly lonely and unappreciated. I do think having kids have a hand in this. So, no answers but best wishes

Sorry to hear that, nespresso - having kids just sort of takes over doesn't it? I work most evenings now which has also killed our time spent together. I honestly don't know how we can get it back. I've even started fancying other blokes - would never do anything, mind. I respect our marriage vows and all that. But I feel trapped and not sure what to do.

No advice either but I could have written this. We have 4 DC and have differing opinions on discipline.

We also don't have any family nearby and feel like we have lost all love, respect, care and affection for each other.

It's so hard isn't it, Rega26. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? I haven't broached the subject at all but I know he's not happy about the way things are. It never seems the right time to discuss it though. I'm not sure I'm strong enough, at the moment, to rock the boat.

We won’t last. We are both staying put because neither wants to live apart from the dcs.

We are stuck until they are older.

It’s shit.

For me, when I resented the sight of him walking up the drive at the end of the day, couldn’t bear for him to touch me - and when I felt that a man I barely knew from an opposite background & a different generation knew & understood me better.

@Sarahandduck18, have you talked to your DH about it? That sounds so hard.

*CoffeeRunner, have you split from your DH?

oops - meant to do the bold thing.

@CoffeeRunner, have you split from your DH?

Sometimes I would fantasise that he died so I was free :( it's time to end it then for sure

We struggled for a long time when kids were little. I worked shifts and he worked away. There was a time when I felt it would be easier without him.
Fast forward and kids are now in their 20’s.
We try for date night once a fortnight.
I try to remember to treat him with the same kindness and appreciation I would a friend.
I think the suggestion of counseling is a good one. At least you know you have tried everything.

After 25 years I'm fairly sure mine is over. But actually I feel I'm happier staying married than splitting up - mainly financial reasons. I'm not prepared to lose the nice things. Yes I'm stupid !

I would have thought no sex = marriage over.

When he went to another city for a week (to bang another woman, which I suspected but just didn't care about) and it was the most stress-free, calmest week me and DS had had as long as I could remember.

When he had a major operation and was in hospital for a week and then on bed rest/settee rest for 6 weeks. DS (then 9) and I did the grocery shopping every week on our own for 2 months and it all of a sudden was FUN (or at least not a stressful chore that was sure to end in shouting (H) and tears (DS).) H recovered and came shopping and all of a sudden it was back to normal. I told him to go and wait in the car and DS and I would do the shopping on our own. He said "No chance, I'm not letting you two get away with having a good time without me."

Cunt.

It took me about 12 months to leave, including a period of 4 or 5 months trying to co-habit so we could co-parent. (Complex situation - he had full PR and residency as DS is not my bio son, plus he was SAHD.)

I was so much happier alone, and even though it was painful only seeing DS on the weekends, at least he had an argument-free weekend to look forward to. I also called DS every night and spent an hour doing his reading or other homework with him on the phone.

OP, I had a frequent and satisfying sex life with my H right up until the day I called it quits. If I'd gone without sex for 4 years I'd have been out the door quicker than you can say "multiple orgasm". I only started turning him down/stopped initiating when he started using his lack of personal hygiene as a passive aggressive weapon.

OMG I did NOT mean that last sentence to sound like "so maybe your H doesn't want sex because you're hanging"!!! Was speaking purely about my crappy marriage! 🙊

Don't worry @NotTheFordType, I wasn't offended. I don't think it's a personal hygiene thing. He has just never been that interested in me in that way. It messed with my head at the start but we got on in other ways. I mean he was my best mate I suppose. But now we seem to have also lost our friendship. I just don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to hurt him or my kids. He is fundamentally a good person.

I'm mean, how can I rip my family apart? I just can't.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to send sympathy as I’m in exactly the same position :(

We do talk/ argue about our situation.

Neither is prepared to move out.

We are choosing to live in misery because that’s the better option!

Sarahandduck , I totally feel your pain. I think there must be a lot of couples living like this. I wouldn't ever want to separate DH from the DC or live apart from them myself. Just can't even contemplate it.

And thanks dunin - I sympathise with your situation too. How long have you been living like this?

Life is too short to be unhappy and wouldn’t you rather your kids were happy too? How can they be if you and your DH aren’t? They are young now but kids grow fast, too fast, and they will start to notice the disconnect between you and they will start to feel miserable, you will probably get on far better with your Husband when you split, I’m sorry to say but it’s already like your split up and living in the same house yet none of you have said so. I grew up with a mother in an unhappy marriage and it still affects me to this day.

I know and that's the hardest thing really. I don't know if they've noticed that we're unhappy but DH is pretty short tempered with them a lot of the time. I've lost sight of what's normal now I think.

I also feel bad because he hardly has any friends these days. He's crap at keeping in touch with people. I have some very strong friendships which I really value. But he doesn't make the effort with people. We see his family but that's it. Anyway, I feel that if i split with him, he'll have noone.