How do you know your marriage is over?

[soveryconfusedagain]

Am feeling so confused (hence user name - I've name changed for this).

How do do you know your marriage has gone past the point of no return?

In a nutshell.

We haven't had sex in four years - since we conceived youngest DC in fact.

We never had much chemistry in the first place - felt like it was always me 'pestering' him for sex. After having our DC, I wasn't bothered much anyway but I feel like I've just come out of a tunnel of night feeds and all consuming parenting and suddenly my sex drive is back - but I'm not sure we can ever have connection again.

We annoy each other. We are constantly bickering. A year or so ago, we went through an awful patch when he was working from home all the time and I was at home with the DC.

During that period, we had financial worries and weren't getting much sleep. We had terrible, almost violent arguments. In fact, he once threw something at me. We're okay now - just sort of pootling along I guess, but I never feel excited or particularly loved by him.

I accidentally walked into a door frame yesterday when hurrying after one of the DC. It really frigging hurt my shoulder. He didn't show any concern, just said 'well, you just walked into a door' as though I was stupid.

He says that I speak to him like he's one of the kids. I'm not aware of doing this but I don't think we bring out the best in one another. Then again, our DC are pretty young and very full on and we don't have family nearby to help so never get any quality time alone really.

All our friends and family think we are the perfect family. Sometimes, I kid myself that we are too.

I honestly don't think I could live with breaking up my kids' family unit or taking them out of their home (we own it jointly but neither of us would be able to buy the other out). He is a good dad. But I can't imagine living another 30 or 40 years like this.

So is my marriage over - and if it is, what do I do? Or is there any chance of saving it?

Any advice appreciated because all this uncertainty is driving me mad.

I've just realised that this wasn't 'in a nutshell' at all! Thanks for reading if you've got this far...

I know what you mean. It's the thought of totally uprooting your DC isn't it. I couldn't bear it. I have this fantasy about doing a Gwyneth and Chris style seamless 'uncoupling' where everyone stays best of friends. I mean he was one of my best friends once! But I'm probably deluded.

I think the thing that did it for me was Valentine’s Day last year when he apologised because he said he was too busy to even get me a card and had forgotten, but he wasn’t so busy to have a secretive 15 minute ‘mother’s and daughters’ porn session in the afternoon whilst working from home and then immediately after called me to meet in town for a coffee . It wouldn’t bother some people I know , for me it was the straw that broke the camels back. I haven’t left yet and he doesn’t know that I know all of this as I’m paying stuff down etc , complicated business set up makes it harder as I don’t have a job outside of working alongside him and am in my 50’s

OP I've been where you are. Terrified and heartbroken to be considering breaking our family unit. But i didn't like him any more. He didnt "get" me or ever make me laugh, just annoyed. We are separated. It is OK. DCs see lots of him but live with me. Coming home to a home that he's not in is a huge, huge relief.

@user1479305498 - that's awful. I'm not surprised you were upset. I hope that all goes well once you decide to leave.

@colouringinpro I'm glad that it's worked out well for you. I just feel so confused. Not going to make any immediate decisions. I'm going to see about marriage counselling.

I don't hate him - we get on well at times. We have nice family days out together. But we've lost our connection, no doubt about it.

We have a night away booked soon - a very rare chance to be together without the kids there. I'm going to see how that goes and then decide on what to do for the best ie talk about counselling.

OP, I stayed in my marriage for about 18 months longer than I should because I was terrified of splitting up our family. We hadn't had sex for two years, stopped saying I love you, argued all the time and I actively hated him. Lost all respect for him but didn't want my DS to be without a Dad.
I left him last August and in the last six months I have been calmer and happier and a better Mum as a result, wish I'd done it much sooner.
We tried counselling and in our case it didn't work because it takes two people to make it work, it's definitely worth trying and if you both give it 100%, if there's anything to save it may work.
Wish you all the best, remember to do what's right for you - the kids will be happier with two parents who are happy rather than two parents who are staying together for their sake. They won't thank you for it in the long run. Best of luck xx

Thank you. It's good to hear you're happier now although it must have all been so tough. How did you work out custody, if you don't mind me asking. I've terrified myself by looking at stuff online.

I've spent the week telling myself that I can make this relationship work; that I can't manage on my own; can't split up my kids' lives....

He's come in tonight and he's already told me to fuck off in front of our kids. I'd promised DD she could watch a bit of her favourite programme before bed. He's just overruled me. When I said this wasn't fair he swore at me. I've totally lost perspective on what is normal. Is this normal???
My head is a mess.

I spent the morning ordering nice presents for his birthday too, FFS.

sovery no, that's not normal. It's abuse. It's bad for you and bad for your daughter. I'd strongly suggest seeking advice about your situation, call WomensAid for example. Take care

When you don't want to be married to them anymore

I feel guilty for feeling like this, that's the problem. I want everything to be ok. Like maybe it was my fault for promising to let her watch her programme. She went to bed happily anyway. He did some homework with her instead. I went in the other room. I just don't know what to think anymore.

What would you think if he told your daughter to fuck off?

There's your answer.

You're someone's daughter. You are SOMEONE

Nobody deserves that.

Even in my darkest days with ex neither of us swore at each other. I think he's a cock but I never said that and certainly not in front of the children. It's not Ok.

Time to go. If he is speaking to you like that, he has no respect for you at all. You would not talk to a friend like that, let alone the mother of your children.