How do you know your marriage is over?

[soveryconfusedagain]

Am feeling so confused (hence user name - I've name changed for this).

How do do you know your marriage has gone past the point of no return?

In a nutshell.

We haven't had sex in four years - since we conceived youngest DC in fact.

We never had much chemistry in the first place - felt like it was always me 'pestering' him for sex. After having our DC, I wasn't bothered much anyway but I feel like I've just come out of a tunnel of night feeds and all consuming parenting and suddenly my sex drive is back - but I'm not sure we can ever have connection again.

We annoy each other. We are constantly bickering. A year or so ago, we went through an awful patch when he was working from home all the time and I was at home with the DC.

During that period, we had financial worries and weren't getting much sleep. We had terrible, almost violent arguments. In fact, he once threw something at me. We're okay now - just sort of pootling along I guess, but I never feel excited or particularly loved by him.

I accidentally walked into a door frame yesterday when hurrying after one of the DC. It really frigging hurt my shoulder. He didn't show any concern, just said 'well, you just walked into a door' as though I was stupid.

He says that I speak to him like he's one of the kids. I'm not aware of doing this but I don't think we bring out the best in one another. Then again, our DC are pretty young and very full on and we don't have family nearby to help so never get any quality time alone really.

All our friends and family think we are the perfect family. Sometimes, I kid myself that we are too.

I honestly don't think I could live with breaking up my kids' family unit or taking them out of their home (we own it jointly but neither of us would be able to buy the other out). He is a good dad. But I can't imagine living another 30 or 40 years like this.

So is my marriage over - and if it is, what do I do? Or is there any chance of saving it?

Any advice appreciated because all this uncertainty is driving me mad.

I've just realised that this wasn't 'in a nutshell' at all! Thanks for reading if you've got this far...

You’ll feel a hundred times better if you separated and you’s would probably get along much better, nobody wants to split their family up but staying together for the kids in this day and age doesn’t work, unhappy parents equal unhappy kids, your doing more harm than good by staying in this marriage, I hope I haven’t offended you because I don’t mean too, and your not doing it on purpose, you just think your doing the right thing, your husband doesn’t sound happy either so maybe sit him down soon and talk about splitting up and see what he thinks, although you need to do what makes you happy, he’s responsible for how own happiness.

Can I ask if you love him in the way that a wife should love her husband?

Stop taking responsibility for him, I’ve been there and it’s not your problem, he’s a big boy, maybe he likes having no friends, not everyone wants friends. So many men get settled with a woman and neglect everyone else in their life, I’ve seen it happen so much.

You’ve more or less just admitted your staying out of pity and that’s when it really is done.

Ok for me it was death by a thousand cuts. We didn't really like each other. We didn't respect each other. It was so tired and dull. We did try counselling but actually I think it was more just to say 'we tried everything'. We never had bad arguments. Anyway he left back to mummy's and I stayed with children (2&4). We were broke too.

Anyway we both met new people fairly quickly. I'm married and it's fricken awesome. I know this isn't a place to boast but honestly everything about life is better. He treats the kids and me like gold. We laugh loads. It's just all considerate.

Yesterday I needed to go and feed some animals so he offered to drive and defrost my car. It's these tiny little considerations that make my heart sing.

My love for him outweighs my need for him.

My x wasn't a bad man and it wasn't a bad marriage. We could easily have limped along forever but it was a pretty lonely place to be. I never regretted it. Even when I was alone with the DCS.

This is exactly what the OP needs to do OrangeJuiceandLemon, she doesn’t neccessarily need to meet a new man but she needs to leave, I don’t think a relationship with 4 years of no sex can ever bounce back, there mustn’t be any sexual attraction anymore, I’d be wondering where he was being sexually satisfied because I doubt a man could go for 4 years without sex, no chance.

I think I also feel that we all worry about the effect it will have on the children. I definitely did. X is a good dad. But it's not either/or. You can be happy separately and parenting separately.

So many of us hold on for big reasons such as money and children but in time these things usually have a way of working themselves out.

I know I have read threads on here asking whether anyone regretted separating and iirc no one ever comes forward to say they do.

None of this is spur of the moment is it? It's years of crap ness. Not a snap decision.

My love for him outweighs my need for him

That is exactly it! I only needed my XH for financial support. I got nothing else from him - no emotional support, no intimacy, no help with housework, cooking, childcare etc.

It was death by a thousand cuts. Every time he put me down or didn't make me feel appreciated etc my love for him died a bit more.

I'd never have left him as l truely believed we would work it out eventually but it's hard to do that when the default answer from him is "you know where the door is" if l ever mentioned l was unhappy.

I don't think l realised that l had stopped loving him until he left and when l realised that l could cope financially l was so happy. I did shed tears when my absolute came through as no-one gets married in the view to divorce, but this has really been the best thing to have happened for me and him.

Thanks everyone. All your posts are useful in some way, even the ones that are hard to read. It's just so difficult. We tell each we love each other - like when we say goodbye and in texts. But then we have these awful rows. He told me to fuck off earlier as I'd forgotten to put out the recycling and it was still sitting in the kitchen when people arrived for Sunday lunch. He'd done most of the cooking so felt he'd done his bit. He just lashes out from nowhere. He apologised quietly afterwards but it's just exhausting, you know.

I do love him as a person but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I used to fancy him like mad but things went off the boil so quickly- literally as soon as we moved in together six months after getting together. We were only mid 20s then. I thought things would improve. He told me he didn't want to have much sex as he was grieving for a very close relative who'd just died. I did my best to be supportive but it ate me up inside, honestly. Totally wrecked my already very low self confidence. We almost split up at one point. I started to wonder if he was actually gay.

But we got through various issues and he proposed. I wasn't 100 percent because of our issues but I knew he was a good person and I loved him to bits. We had kids very quickly after getting married and now here we find ourselves....four years and no sex, no real affection. It's a headfuck.

Sorry to say but it just sounds like whatever you had is over, he seems like a grumpy bugger and this is maybe because he’s unhappy too, something amiss about the no sex, maybe he is gay and he’s so angry because he’s living a lie, but I do think the marriage needs to end in order for you to be happy again, you May feel relief when it’s over.

I hope all goes okay and as cliched as it sounds, then time is a healer and all that!

Anyone can say ‘I love you’, it’s easy, actions speak louder than words OP. It’s almost habit for couples to say I love you when saying goodbye or at the end of a text.

And I know he'd blame me as I work in the evening a lot but this started way before that really. I'm too scared to initiate anything now. After 2 kids, I'm not the most body confident person and the constant knock backs when we were younger took their toll.

Do you want to be with him? Have Alex with him? Laugh with him?

Looking back me and exh were married for 21yrs, should have probably parted after 14yrs as everything was downhill from there.

I think I was frightened to suggest we part as firstly my now adult kids are my world, also how would I cope financially as I was only working part time at that time.
Since we parted due to him having an affair my life is great - I work full time, have my own house and have a great partner- we discuss everything, I never felt I could discuss everything when I was married. My kids say my partner has a calming influence on me.

Sex no idea who Alex is!

For me my LTR's ended because I couldn't pretend everything was fine anymore. I'm an awful liar anyway you can see it on my face but I'd just had enough both times. Once that switch flicked I had to swallow my pride and tell them straight. Initially it was carnage, or that is how it felt, but I think it was more the fear of the unknown.

It took me a while, but it was so much of a relief not to try and keep up appearances.

In my last LTR my ex admitted he was bi which is why he was no longer interested in sex. His mum is catholic, so he was living with guilt and deception. Unfortunately he does not have the support to tell her, which is a shame because if he was free of that guilt he'd be a lovely person. As it turns out it is easier to lie, and tell your family your ex had affairs. Tbh I feel sorry for him more than anything because he will never be true to himself.

My first LTR I left because he was abusive physically, mentally and financially.

Only you can decide the best way forward, all we can do is hold your hand

Thank you. It's much appreciated, believe me.

When my OH was sectioned for three months and it was amazingly good, despite fallout for Dcs.

When literally everything he did fucked me off. I let go off all the resentment that had built up over the years and told him I was done.
I managed to stay in the family home, he bought himself a place and our dc stay at his regularly 2 nights a week. Dc now see a very happy, chilled mum and everyone else I know have commented how much more content me and dc seem. Amicable can and does work. (But I'm annoyed with myself for procrastinating for couple of years with worry over dcs before biting the bullet).

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to suggest we try counselling. I know he knows there's a problem as, a few months ago, he said he was worried about us. Will see where we get with that.

My XH and l said all the "right" thing's like "love you" when ending a phone conversation. It was habit.

We also got each other the "right" cards with "to my wonderful wife/husband...".... cheap words.

I found out about the OW the day before our 15yr wedding anni. I also found my anni card which said how much he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me.

What utter bullshit!!

I told him that too when l found it and his answer was that he "loves me as the mother of his children".... that is NOT what the card was saying.

All an act because it was the "right" thing to do.

The fact that he is bothered is a really good sign. Mine couldn't give a dam, he'd checked out year's ago

God, that must have been so awful for you, ChristmasFlary.

OP I so feel for you. I am in a very similar boat, everything about your posts is so similar (except the cooking of the dinner - it's more likely I'd do the cooking, tidying, everything and the one thing I'd asked him to do like put out the recycling he would 'forget')

I don't want to lose our lifestyle - DH earns massive amounts and I don't. If we split the difference in the two homes the kids would have would be absolutely ridiculous.

I probably sound terrible and controlling but the idea of the kids having two homes, one being run by a useless manchild and with unfettered access to the inlaws fills me with absolute horror.

I don't know whether things are just rubbish cause the kids are small and our lives are stressful at the moment but I feel so angry, resentful and disappointed all the time. I do feel like both DH and I deserve a happier life than that, it's just how to do the best thing for the children? I don't know.

I do think you should suggest counselling. If he says a flat no that would be a deal breaker for me. If he agrees to go it will hopefully help you get your heads in the right space either to split amicably or to try to make it work. At least the lines of communication should hopefully be opened up.

Oh, I cook most days, but he did the Sunday lunch and therefore deserved a trophy and my unswerving gratitude 😬

But I know what you mean. I just can't bear the thought of my DC having their lives turned upside down. It took such a lot of hard work and sacrifice to get our lovely home and I don't want to lose it.

Thanks for the thread. Sad to hear others are in the same boat.

I know in my heart I don't love him any more.

But the upheaval of breaking up, with 2 young children, will be horrendous.

I cannot afford the house alone, and couldn't even afford a flat in the area - so the kids would have to change schools to a shitty area.

And the possibility that he would go for 50% custody just fills me with horror.

But it's not a happy home & I wonder if the kids are being damaged by that. I think younger is better for separation.

Urgh.