I feel like I am being massively taken advantage of financially

[Dominique82]

My frustration is getting bigger and bigger week by week.
I am 36 years old, have got a reasonably good job, small car, nice flat. I work quite hard, often till late hours.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, who earns over 100k a year (that’s nearly 3x more than me), drives an 80k car, lives in another town but works in my town Monday to Friday.
Sorry to mention the salary and car value, but feel like this is important in the big picture.
Boyfriend has been staying with me, most weekdays for the past year and a half, Monday to Friday. This happened so unnoticeably, that I don’t even know how. It started with just one night a week, now he has taken over my flat. Often, when he doesn’t need to go to the office, he sets up an office in my kitchen, doing calls and spreading his laptops, phones, notepads, charging cords all over. I can’t access my fridge or make tea. I need to ask him to move constantly.
He uses my car a few times a week if he needs to run some errand or is going to the gym. He rarely comes in his car, as comes up by train. So having my car is very handy (for him)
I am paying all the household bills.
I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ? Is the boiler broken? That’s it. Not a single word about helping me with paying the bill. He takes very long showers, and has the heating on full blast when I am not around.
When I come home from work, every light in every single room of my flat is on. That is 6 rooms including the hallway, and even the f*ing storage room ! Wtf. He just doesn’t care that I am paying for all of this.

Also, My car recently broke down, which I told him about, his response was- ‘you need to ring the garage’.That was it. No mention from him of sorting it out for me. He uses my car more than I do. I pay the insurance etc. He puts in petrol. But occasionally I do too.

He tells me he loves me all the time, and that I am the woman of his dreams. I feel so stupid writing this now, as he must be loving me for all the freeloading I think.

Honestly, I feel like I am being a cheap hotel in town. All the cleaning, bills and entertainment included.

He occasionally buys groceries, then looks so proud of himself telling me how much he likes to help out...
When we go out, he always pays the bill BUT I am quite sure, he claims it back as an expense from his company. So he doesn’t really spend anything.
When we go on holiday, he books and pays for everything. But I just feel like this is not enough.
I got to the point where I know, i can’t live like this, but how do I say he needs to ... leave?
I don’t even have a key to his house. Been there max 5 times in the last 3 years. Help

Tbh Op
It’s probably better to cut your losses with this man
Dump him, he’s a liability

Bloody hell OP. I’d be around there like a shot to sit and watch outside. But then again, I’m not one to sit on things like these - it would gnaw away at me until I knew the truth.

I hope he’s just being a cocklodger and isn’t still married etc. That would be a double blow.

I think he may well be divorced from his wife from what you have said about her insta. I think he probably has another girlfriend that he spends weekends with. I would go for a little drive by to see if there's another car on his drive and consider my next move.

I can sort of see how an intelligent woman ends up in this kind of situation. If you're quite comfortable with your life as it is, not desperate to be married/living with someone, a bloke who pays for nice dinners, is good in bed and good company etc, seems just lovely at the start. And it can seem pleasant, and sensible, and no big deal, if he starts staying over at yours more often than you stay at his. If you have quite a full life already, it can take a while to realise that he is not really sharing his life with you, and that everything is at his convenience. And by then you probably 'love' him and don't want to row, or to spoil things. But eventually an intelligent woman like OP will realise: something's a bit off here.

And at least you will find it easy to dump him and have nothing further to do with him. And you won't get fooled by this type of knobhead again.

Well it seems to me you can point out the usage difference in the bill and say look this is entirely down to you. You are here 5 days a week so I think your contribution should be 40% of all bills - what do you think, and if you are working from home there should be an extra added for the heating and lights on all day? And for the car you can pay 70% because you use it more than I do.

Also while we are on the subject you have never once actually invited me to your house, or to meet your friends or family, so I'm thinking that you see no future with me. Of course you love me, I do fucking everything for you. And you do incredibly little for me don't you.

I think you'll get your answer pretty quick. Might be good might be bad. If you think its too hard to do face to face. Email him. Put rough drafts up here and we'll all enjoy editing it for you.

Irrelevant I know, but why would anyone pay for an £80k car and use it two days a week? I get he's using yours on the cheapOP, but assuming he's financing that car, what a massive waste of money!

I think someone else is using the car during the week.

I would end it with him . Anyone that is this bloody arrogant to use your house as an office and not pay towards bills really isn't worth your time.

He should have offered to pay. He should want you to share your life with him (you have), and conversely he should want to share his life with you (he hasnt).

Time to talk commitment as well as money. And please stick up for yourself because he's a taker and onto a good number so will want everything to stay exactly as it is.

What do you want?

Someone asked is it really his house? I wonder if he really has a £80k car that he doesn’t use.

It’s not adding up is it.

I don' t have much to add, but he's using you horribly. You are subsidising his lifestyle. He knows what he's doing.

I'd get you keys back and tell him to find somewhere else to doss during the week. I really don't see the point in this 'relationship'.

I wouldn't travel back and forward by train every weekend if I had my own 80k car sitting in the drive. That's madness, surely.

Oh, fuck my previous advice.
Pack his shit up and go and surprise him at his. Tell him it's over. You cannot be in a relationship with a selfish cocklodger. You have too much respect and pride. Goodbye. Walk away and drive off (even if it's only round the corner to compose yourself).

Yes I know it's not the ops responsibility to return his shit. I would do in the case to get a sharp, clean break. No can I leave my stuff until... No having to pop in to pick up.. If she does it from her's going by the subsequent posts he will beg, make promises, blame her etc.
If there's someone else involved, he won't want to make a scene on his home turf.

Wow, this guy sounds like he's really taking advantage of your good nature.

Have you been on holiday together or done days out at weekends? whats happened at Christmases etc

How far does he live from you? I'd be seriously tempted to turn up at his.

Does he ever spend Friday nights at yours?

Bloody hell. Tot up what he has cost you, deduct your half of the holidays that he has paid for, then send him a bill for services rendered. Of course he "loves" you - you're providing him with a lovely life.

So why didn't you tell him your gas and electricity bill is higher due to his usage - and ask him for the money?

I wouldn't sit and talk with him about money as some pp's have suggested. I would ask for what is owed. He is mean, and a user. It's not your job to fix him and you can't, anyway.

His answers to you re bills & car costs = "That's your problem, not mine".

He is an adult and knew about money long before you came along. He knows how to keep and hoard money, whilst using a woman for her money.

I'd be drier than the Sahara around a man like that.

There are men worth trying with. This man is not one of them.

He will have you broke one day.

I cannot stand cheap, stingy people. Women shouldn't be advised to talk and point out the obvious that he already bloody knows, in cases like this. It's just too low a bar to aim for in life.

There are good decent men out there who can be nice, charming n all that, and won't have their hands in your purse so to speak, OP. Men aren't going extinct anytime soon.

Get rid of him OP. Think of the frugal life (yours that is, not his, he will make sure he's alright as he's already showing you) that you will have with him. He is not a sharer.

Go treat yourself to something nice and special. You can do much better than a man like this.

He must have the hide of a rhino. Utterly shameless.

As for the 80k car.
A couple of people I know have cars in the 80k+ price tag. They also have cheap runarounds. The expensive ones aren't used to go to the gym (unless coming back from somewhere else), not used as a day to day thing. Not used when visiting some areas as they don't want to risk vandalism. Not used in some areas because the run around is smaller and easier to park.
But the expensive ones exist. I've been in them. Seem them parked on their drives or in the garage. They are also possessive and no one is allowed to drive them, unlike the runaround.

I think the bigger issue is how you have let this happen - that you have not asserted yourself, have accepted his disrespect & allowed this to happen (poor boundaries).

I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself, OP (as well as getting rid of him).

I can't understand why you would want to be with someone who has treated you with such little respect.

He's still married and he spends the weekends at home with his family.

That's why he doesn't want you to spend time in his hometown, or meet his friends or his family.

Dump - and you don't need to wait until Monday to do it. Quick text message advising him his stuff will be on the doorstep on Monday morning for him to collect. Oh and change your locks as well.

He tells you you are the woman of his dreams - I bet you are! He's taking the piss big time. Expect he is married. Don't have any qualms about kicking him out, I'm sure he will manage. You deserve better OP.
Good luck.

I with the 'DUMP HIM' brigade OP