I feel like I am being massively taken advantage of financially

[Dominique82]

My frustration is getting bigger and bigger week by week.
I am 36 years old, have got a reasonably good job, small car, nice flat. I work quite hard, often till late hours.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, who earns over 100k a year (that’s nearly 3x more than me), drives an 80k car, lives in another town but works in my town Monday to Friday.
Sorry to mention the salary and car value, but feel like this is important in the big picture.
Boyfriend has been staying with me, most weekdays for the past year and a half, Monday to Friday. This happened so unnoticeably, that I don’t even know how. It started with just one night a week, now he has taken over my flat. Often, when he doesn’t need to go to the office, he sets up an office in my kitchen, doing calls and spreading his laptops, phones, notepads, charging cords all over. I can’t access my fridge or make tea. I need to ask him to move constantly.
He uses my car a few times a week if he needs to run some errand or is going to the gym. He rarely comes in his car, as comes up by train. So having my car is very handy (for him)
I am paying all the household bills.
I just got a huge gas and electricity bill for the past 3 months, which I told him about. His response - wow that’s high. Has there been an increase ? Is the boiler broken? That’s it. Not a single word about helping me with paying the bill. He takes very long showers, and has the heating on full blast when I am not around.
When I come home from work, every light in every single room of my flat is on. That is 6 rooms including the hallway, and even the f*ing storage room ! Wtf. He just doesn’t care that I am paying for all of this.

Also, My car recently broke down, which I told him about, his response was- ‘you need to ring the garage’.That was it. No mention from him of sorting it out for me. He uses my car more than I do. I pay the insurance etc. He puts in petrol. But occasionally I do too.

He tells me he loves me all the time, and that I am the woman of his dreams. I feel so stupid writing this now, as he must be loving me for all the freeloading I think.

Honestly, I feel like I am being a cheap hotel in town. All the cleaning, bills and entertainment included.

He occasionally buys groceries, then looks so proud of himself telling me how much he likes to help out...
When we go out, he always pays the bill BUT I am quite sure, he claims it back as an expense from his company. So he doesn’t really spend anything.
When we go on holiday, he books and pays for everything. But I just feel like this is not enough.
I got to the point where I know, i can’t live like this, but how do I say he needs to ... leave?
I don’t even have a key to his house. Been there max 5 times in the last 3 years. Help

When you chuck him out can I move in? Sounds perfect being looked after and not even needing to Contribute to bills. And I won’t moan about cost when I take you out or on holiday.

Sounds like you’re done with him but can’t be easy. So sorry.

I’m with others. Try get the £500 bill off him first and a surprise visit too. But I do think you should say about the bill just in case it is just lack of awareness of costs and he thinks odd meal out makes up for it.unless he falls over himself with apologies at how dense he has been then time to change the locks Maybe easier to have the chat about finances at his as well as it’s on neutral ground so go tomorrow and if you get nowhere or know it’s over after chat then you can say he won’t be living there again.

Your flat is convenient for him.
You facilitating his freeloading is very convenient for him.
Having such a willing, low-maintenence girlfriend is very convenient for him.

He must be laughing his ass off knowing he is getting away with taking the piss and saving himself a fortune.

You are in a very fortunate position in that all you have to do is pack up his shit and dump him by text, there really is nothing else you need to do.

Talking to him to explain will be a complete waste of your time as he is, very clearly, only interested in what benefits him. Just dump the loser and let him figure out the logistics of his working week, and get your locks changed!

Sounds like he found himself free maid and housing

He is probably on spareroom.com.and rents his place out to people on a Mon-Fri basis.

Or his partner lives there and probably pays him 50% of living costs, plus services him every weekend.

Hes onto a winner 7 days a week.

He is taking advantage, yes. But it is possible that he doesn't actually realise.

Just talk to him openly about how expensive all of this is for you, and you can't afford it anymore. Then you'll see his true colours. Perhaps he'll be mortified and end up suggesting that you move in together somewhere full time? Perhaps he'll get angry and turn it back on you and say you're being a penny pincher. Watch his response carefully because it tells you everything you need to know about his intentions.

I would ask him to pay you £500 as last year you didn't get that bill do it's down to his usage. Once he's paid, I'd dump him. He's clearly hiding you for a reason - he is either still married or has a girlfriend.

Yes I agree, ask him for the £500 for the bill. He used the excess electric. I had a cocklodger and I fully understand that you question yourself, and it takes time for the resentment to build. It took me 7 years to kick mine out, and I feel stupid it took me so long! Don't let him use you. You deserve better.

Dominique...are you actually going to do anything ?

She posted first at 4.30pm. At 6pm people were telling her to go round his house and by 10.30 people were saying this sort of shit.

But then if there were actually real time breathless updates, people could cry troll.

Drives me nuts. Watch some Netflix if you want instant drama, guys.

Ask for some money before you dump him.

Change your locks. Tell him he can't stay at yours that he is costing you money. Tell him you have done a cost benefit analysis and it patently shows you are better off alone. Don't back down.

I agree with getting some money out of him before you dump him. He’s lived off you for free for 3 years!

You will never get any money out of him. Dump, learn and move on.

You sound really lovely, there are better men out there for you.

I think you should speak to him today, otherwise he’ll come down on Monday ready to spend the week again. The bill is very recent so you could say that he uses your home as an office, increasing your bills. You can’t afford all the extra costs he incurs so you don’t want him down this week.

I don’t know whether you want to continue the relationship but you could get it more on an even keel. Either he contributes to the extra costs he incurs or go back to dating. But do you want to?

Don't waste another moment on this idiot. Pack his stuff up and get rid. Highly suspicious that you've never met his family or spend the weekend together.

I am very sorry that you seem to have sleep walked into this situation, which seems so unfulfilling for you. I would be uncomfortable at his spreading out in your space, so that you cant get to the kettle and cupboards, long before he had run up such a bill.

This jumped out at me, though I can’t know 100% he was definitely divorced when we met. I knew my now DH when we were both members of the same club, and both in different relationships, long before we got together. I knew when he and his wife started to divorce.

The first time i visited his place, I asked him if i could see the divorce paperwork and the financial settlement. It was still in our very early days of dating. He had no problem showing me and i was pleased to know the dates the different decrees has been granted and the financial settlement. In future, just ask, what is the worst that can happen?

And YY to doing the freedom programme.

I HIGHLY doubt he's on a huge salary too. Probably lives in a basement room at his parents home on a lower wage than you OP.

You've already checked the electoral roll and snooped through his laptop. He's a cocklodging tight arse and you don't have fun together at weekends. Fuck that shit.

Change the locks and don't look back. I doubt very much you'll see a penny from him towards your utility bill.

Hope you are ok, OP.

You really don't know this man at all..he could be anyone..he doesn't want you in his inner circle..don't want to scare you but he may have a criminal past and could do anything..firstly get the locks changed..secondly pack all his stuff and put it in your car..thirdly meet him somewhere public and hand over his stuff..there is no going back here..stay safe and good luck.

Three years and not met any family? No siblings, parents? Where did he spend key dates - sure fire way to know if you’re an OW. His birthday evening, Christmas/Boxing Day, Valentine’s Day evening, New Year’s Eve. If not with you, you’re OW (unknowingly). If this is the case, see if you can get some money towards your bills he has racked up, then once you have that (or if he refuses) kick him out, dump his stuff at his house or work (as he works in your town), change your locks (change WiFi code too).

I doubt he actually has a specific secret wife / partner, I think it's more likely he just lives the single life when he's not with OP. He doesn't want people thinking he's in a relationship because they'd raise awkward questions; prefers to go alone to weddings etc. because they're a good opportunity for a one night stand. There are loads of people he wouldn't want OP to get chatting with in his home town if he's the local Lothario on Saturday nights. Likewise Facebook, which he probably uses to meet/flirt with women.

After you dump him, tell him he should just be honest with his next partner - he could have time on and time off if he'd just admit he wants an open relationship. He probably won't find such a cushy arrangement again though!

Wow.., it's not even about the money, (although he's taking the piss there!) What do you want? After 3 years it sounds like you're looking for some commitment and questioning his. If he starts paying his way, will that solve everything?

In fact OP, I bet you'd get all the information you need if you could crack his FB password.

Wow. Not sure what but I reckon he is hiding something and he is also a big time leech!

Just tell him.
Darling you never pay for anything, your l vintage here with me and it costs me to have you here.
The gas bill is because you heat the house all the time, and you never pay for the groceries. I love you but you need to pay your way as it is upsetting me. Shall we say 500 a month...
If he says no, then tell him would he like to rethink his answer as you won't live with a person who uses you.