I am desperate for advice and some kind of help please

[limerancevictim]

I feel terrible - I am stuck with this acquaintance being all over me, he calls it (or at least, his friends who are friends of mine) call it limerence and he just wants to be friends but I am beside myself with his stalking, which is how I see it.

Please can someone explain to me the difference between limerence and stalking and obsessive behaviour because I am freaked out and really disturbed.

Thank you.

I guess it boils down to how it makes you feel, and if you're feeling uncomfortable and disturbed by it then I don't think you'd be wrong to class it as stalking.

Have you told him how it's making you feel and asked him to stop?

But then how does that separate it from what is called limerence? Because it's limerence if the person of whom's object of affections I am (they call it the "limerence object" or LO) am says it is. So how can you square those two things.

I have asked them to stop. Blocked their number, they messaged me on facebook, blocked that and they made a fake account, blocked that and they emailed me to my personal email, blocked that and they emailed me to my work email, had to tell the IT guys in work to block that (which was mortifying).

Oh dear. Definitely stalking then, I am really surprised you even had to ask the question.

It's not up to the person doing it to define it, it's how it makes YOU feel that defines it. The fact that you have told them to stop and blocked their means of contact, only for them to find another way of contacting you is definitely into stalking territory.

Don’t feel embarrassed about having to ask IT to block them, you’ve done nothing wrong.
Speaking to the police may be needed?

The difference between the two is one is a feeling and one is an action. He can feel as much limerance as he wants, if he keeps it to himself. He can sit at home dreaming about it and writing love poems (which he then deletes/burns). If he keeps contacting you without your permission that isn't fine. Claiming to feel "limerance" isn't a licence to stalk somebody!

Once you've made it clear that you don't want the contact/attention and it continues obsessively (such as the setting up if fake accounts), it's harassment. It's not up to the stalker/harasser to define what they're doing.

Involve the police at this point.

Thanks. I haven't gone to the police, I wanted to but his friends (out of our joint friends the ones who are more friendly with him) talked me out of it.

He has stopped for now but I am left feeling sick and uneasy. Social media that I used to use and post on regularly, I now don't use. And I still feel my stomach drop when I think I see him on the street.

It really isn't a nice thing to have someone be fixated on you. And i wish it didn't have a cute name to minimise it.

People seem to stick ‘limerance’ on so many things - trying to make it as if it’s some sort of condition, that absolves them of something.... Almost medicalising the issues that used to be called - a crush, and infatuation, an obsession...
It’s a trend.

He seems to be far into the obsession side. It’s clearly making your life miserable, and I am sorry.
It doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is here - just do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Just as PP said: limerence may be the cause but what he is doing is stalking. Go to the police and ask them to warn him. This might be the reality check he needs. People are encouraging this by minimising it.

You shouldn't be anxious and you shouldn't have to delete social media. If he continues to be a pest, contact the police and if necessary, a solicitor. This honestly isn't "nothing" OP.

There's a limerance thread running and the participants do NOT act like him.

The fact he has a name for it is irrelevant . Are you the poster who he wanted to send a letter to?
You need to contact police as he's stalking you, and then you need to work on having boundaries and learning to also tell these friends of yours who think this is ok to fuck off

I read that limerence thread to try to understand it from his pov and there are people there who have been asked not to contact their LO by phone so they've moved to email and they deliberately seek out their LO and message even after they've been asked to go N/C.

I am struggling to see how that's limerence and not harassment.

Although a lot of that thread seems to be emotional or actual physical affairs to me, and I'm not sure that the people involved are in good places emotionally - some of the men seem to be using the ladies and drawing them back in for sex/emotional contact or something.

I have already distanced myself from those friends who put forward his pov, and I have no intention of giving him my address.

Just because I haven't gone to the police doesn't mean I don't have boundaries.

I have done NOTHING to encourage this man, absolutely nothing. I have been clear in my requests for no contact, I haven't led him on or given him any mixed messages.

I have experienced limerence and I did not remotely behave like this. It’s no excuse to treat someone with disrespect or even to let them know how you feel at all.
He shouldn’t excuse or justify his behaviour which is totally unacceptable stalkerish behaviour and you definitely should think about contacting the police - he’s making you feel unsafe.

The people telling you it's limerence are minimising for whatever reason.

It doesn't matter what he feels - it's the effect on you that matters.

He's making your life miserable and it is stalking.

Get some legal advice and speak to the police if it continues.

The thought that someone is sitting at home and excuses are being made for what he does as calling it a nice name while he sits and rubs one out thinking of me and calling it maladaptive dreaming or whatever it is called just makes me feel sick.

I'm fairly sure, after reading the limerance thread, that it only affects women.

A married man who relentlessly pursues a married woman is a creepy stalker or a cheating cunt and his wife should be changing the locks. Whereas the possession of overies makes a woman helpless to her emotions. Hth.

I'm not married and neither is he. I'm single (well, divorced).

It's all obsessive and unpleasant whatever you call it. Complain to your manager and his. Get advice from your union, work should have a policy about behaviour. If it starts again tell him clearly in writing that you will contact police. Keep a log (email yourself a record then it's dated) call the police if you need to.