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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am desperate for advice and some kind of help please

64 replies

limerancevictim · 02/02/2019 11:24

I feel terrible - I am stuck with this acquaintance being all over me, he calls it (or at least, his friends who are friends of mine) call it limerence and he just wants to be friends but I am beside myself with his stalking, which is how I see it.

Please can someone explain to me the difference between limerence and stalking and obsessive behaviour because I am freaked out and really disturbed.

Thank you.

OP posts:
coffeandcake · 02/02/2019 13:29

I would advise that even if he has stopped, you should consider informing police as he could become desperate at some stage. You should have your address tagged as location of interest.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 13:33

Sorry op I don't know why I thought this was at work. Yes tell police.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 13:34

Look at Suzy lamplugh website too

Original poster
limerancevictim · 02/02/2019 13:37

What they were saying was

He doesn't mean it

He only wants to be your friend

He's harmless

He doesn't mean to upset you

You're taking it all to heart too much

That type of thing.

I'm sure he doesn't see any harm in it (maybe?!) or at least he doesn't intend to cause me upset but it is/was upsetting me.

I read the limerence thread to try to understand it all from his pov and tbh that just made me feel worse.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/02/2019 13:41

Why can't he be a person with limerence who's stalking you? Doesn't have to be one or the other. The dictinary says limerence is "The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person" - so he's obsessed with you and stalking you. Both.

Have a chat with police and see what they advise.

Bess78 · 02/02/2019 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zwischenwasser · 02/02/2019 13:44

He doesn't mean it

Doesn’t matter if he mans it or not. It is fucking awful from my POV

He only wants to be your friend

i DONT want to be his friend. He needs to take the fucking hint.

He's harmless

how do you know? How do I know?

He doesn't mean to upset you

But he is doing and anyway reasonable person would take it on the chin and BACK OFF.

You're taking it all to heart too much

Sheesh. You stupid woman being afraid of a scary situation. How inconvenient. Not.

Report him to the police, and tell these so called friends to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/02/2019 13:45

But they can say whatever they like - doesnt mean they are right, or that you HAVE to take on board what they say. Calling it limerance (which is just a fancy name for a crush, tbh) is irrelevant. His BEHAVIOUR is what matters and he is / was stalking you. Trying to figure out why a stalker is stalking you is a job for a psychologist, not the victim. You cant reason someone out of being a stalker. You can only stop them.

ravenmum · 02/02/2019 13:46

www.gov.uk/report-stalker
There are also a couple of hotlines. I'd just ring up and ask someone knowledgeable what they think of the situation, so that at the very least, if these flaky "friends" advise you any more, you have something official to say in return.

SaturdayNext · 02/02/2019 13:48

These friends who call it limerence and are persuading you not to go to the police - are any of them actually doing anything constructive to help you and, indeed, him? I struggle to understand why they wouldn't try to get through to him that he's in danger of getting arrested, rather than constantly excusing him.

If you don't want to go to the police, have you considered getting a civil injunction to keep him away from you? Years ago I had a flatmate who was being stalked; after trying everything she could to get through to the stalker that she was never going to have a relationship with him, she ended up applying for and getting an injunction - fortunately she had a friend who was a lawyer who did the work for free. That did work, possibly because the court order was served on him by a process server rather publicly at his office where he had a responsible job in a large company, and his employers apparently weren't impressed.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 13:49

I'd block his friends too, idiots.#me too

funnylittlefloozie · 02/02/2019 13:52

Oh, and stay off that limerance thread. Its weird and mentally unhealthy over there.

Original poster
limerancevictim · 02/02/2019 13:52

I have stepped right away from his friends - it means I can't go to a church group I used to go to and I've lost people I considered not close friends, but more than acquaintances (if that makes sense).

He has stopped (last contact from him was New Year) but I'm struggling to get over it

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/02/2019 13:53

Seriously, phone up one of those stalking organisations, they might be able to offer support.

category12 · 02/02/2019 13:54

These "friends": it's that classic sexism of expecting the woman to manage male emotions/behaviour and blaming her for overreacting/being oversensitive, instead of expecting him to control himself/judging his behaviour.

You'd be well-rid of them all.

Original poster
limerancevictim · 02/02/2019 13:56

I have no idea what his friends are doing or have done (or not done) to support or help him.

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/02/2019 13:59

His friends sound as unpleasant as he is . How on earth do they know he's harmless?

I'd gather as much evidence as you can and take it to the police .

RagingWhoreBag · 02/02/2019 14:03

Limerance refers to the feeling that we sometimes mistake for love, the all consuming thoughts and romantic notions we have about someone, which generally wears off and what’s left is either love or nothing!

Limerance is not about over stepping boundaries, making someone feel uncomfortable or worried or obsessively chasing after someone like this person is doing. That’s stalking or harassment and anyone who’s been asked to stop emailing someone, been blocked etc so they use a different email address, has serious problems, not limerance.

I’ve had someone persistantly asking me for coffees/drinks/dinners recently. I’ve brushed it off, mentioned my boyfriend and tried not to be rude but brought it back to work stuff every time. When he pushed it further I reported him at work, as it made me feel he was keeping tabs on where I was. It turned out this wasn’t the first time he’d overstepped the mark, so they banned him from attending the group I’m in at work, and I’ve blocked him everywhere online.

It’s not ok. You need to take it higher, forget what your friends think. This isn’t normal behaviour and need stopping now. You’ve tried to deal with it yourself and it’s not working.

CantStopMeNow · 02/02/2019 15:27

These people obviously aren't your friends OP.
I think they're a bunch of fuckers who are using the very real 'conditions' of limerance and mal adaptive dreaming to justify predatory behaviour.
This kind of stalking and harassment is unacceptable no matter what condition.

I think it may be worth keeping a log of the incidents so far and the dates, just in case other stuff happens over time.
If anything happens then please don't hesitate to report it to the police.

I also feel like punching them in the guts for referencing those two particular conditions [anger]

They are very real to me and i live it everyday. They are not cutesy terms or trends, or an excuse to justify unacceptable behaviour.
My mal adaptive dreaming is linked to my asperger's and adhd and i'm pretty sure the limerance is linked into it too.......and yet i've never behaved like this with anyone.

From a safety point, keep a log and report
Social media - review and lock down all public info and block these dicks.

Check your details on 192.com, that might be the first place he tries if he wants to find your address.
If you're on the electoral roll then always check the box to go 'ex-directory'

LuckyLou7 · 02/02/2019 16:42

Keep a diary of all the harassment.
Inform the police of your concerns.
Claiming limerance instead of accepting he is stalking you is a ridiculous excuse.

AgentJohnson · 02/02/2019 18:08

it's how it makes YOU feel that defines it.

This

His apologists don’t get to tell how you how you should feel, his friends and their enabling, is part of the problem.

The second that someone’s object of obsession is made to feel uneasy, that’s the second when it’s crossed a line.

I bet the Police wouldn’t be calling his behaviour harmless. Harassment is a criminal offence, for a reason.

Grace212 · 02/02/2019 19:22

OMD this is horrifying

I'd never heard of limerence until I saw it on MN, it's just a bag of shite and in no way an excuse or justification for stalking

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I do think the next step is police. Fingers crossed he leaves you alone though. And forget about the word, he's just a fucking stalker.

paxillin · 03/02/2019 10:19

Agree with pps. The difference between limerence and stalking is you being unaware as the object of desire. You are aware and do not want it, that makes it stalking.

Original poster
limerancevictim · 03/02/2019 10:24

But according to them on that thread @paxillin and according to the definitions that’s not it.

I don’t get it. I really really don’t. I’m so so so upset by what’s been going on I’m terrified to walk down the street in case I see him he’s disrupted my work and the thought that he is doing maladaptive daydreaming about me had me in tears yesterday it’s really really really creepy and horrible and I don’t understand why anyone thinks it’s ok and why a thread full of them is allowed to be here in relationships where there are women like me and women whose ives have been destroyed by affairs and why just because they give it a cute name that makes it ok.

Why should they have a supportive set of threads and MN therefore tacitly condone stalking and harassment and stuff?

OP posts:
paxillin · 03/02/2019 10:30

I know, @limerancevictim. I had a stalker many years ago and remember the terror well. I would have resented giving it a cute name to make it romantic, too.