DH seems to resent me since our DC has been born

[Speedwagon]

Myself and DH have been together for 8 years and married for nearly 2. Three weeks ago our DS was born. Before he was born DH was so loving towards me, since he's been born DH has changed.

The pregnancy and labour were straightforward in the grand scheme of things although I had some extensive tears. DS was planned and very much wanted by us both. DH loves DS and is pretty hands on but is judgmental of me as a mother IMO. I had quite bad baby blues and didn't want visitors in the first week except close family. MIL came over every day until about day 5 when I asked for some space. I think DH resents this. He keeps wanting to take DS out without me and is weirdly possessive over DS. He got angry with me today because he wanted to take DS to meet his aunt with his mum without me and I asked to go along as well and said it's too soon for me to be away from DS. This put him in a mood. He's always saying how MIL is missing out on things regarding our son, it's very pushy. He gets angry because I'm not happy with him taking DS out without me.

He is angry that I'm not breastfeeding too- he will say he isn't but I can tell he is. I tried to but my milk didn't come in and I felt lousy after the birth and then it didn't happen. He is making me feel guilty about that.

I feel like he doesn't understand at all what I've been through/ am going through physically and hormonally. He isn't showing affection towards me I can just sense seething resentment and he will ask me all the time to do skin on skin with DS for example, I feel like he's implying I'm not doing what I should be doing.

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to pander to and please him at a time when I should be being supported and nurtured by him. Another example is I lost my appetite completely and instead of encouraging me to eat in a kind way he kind of blew up about it and was angry.

Reading this back it paints a very negative picture which isn't really the whole story- I just want my DH to be more empathetic and support me and try to understand. Or at least for him to be honest and say why he's so angry with me as all I sense coming from him at the moment is anger and resentment.

Can you go stay with baby at your mums

He sounds awful
His behaviour sounds pretty abusive, actually.
Please talk to your mum and your HV about it.
It's really important that you don't isolate yourself and you get support from outside sources.

How's your mother, because I think you need to get out from that situation for a while and reset things. He needs a wake up call about being a team with a young baby and what giving birth is like.

Why don’t you trust him to take your children out alone?

*child

@HappyGirlNow
Perhaps because her baby is THREE WEEKS OLD and she wouldn't yet feel comfortable being away from the baby
Perhaps because her husband seems to be prioritising his mother's wants over his wife and baby's needs?

Write him a letter about how you feel.
Read it to make sure it is not accusing him, but just stating how you feel.
Wait for a quite moment and give it to him.

It is only two weeks since birth. It sounds as though he had a birth plan in his head and it has not turned out the way he imagined and he is angry about that. He may have PND. Or he may simply be an ass.
It also sounds as if he is getting pressure from his Mum for her to have alone time with baby. Push back at this.
At 2 weeks I could barely leave the house. You need support, sleep, nurturing not pressure.

Baby is only 3 weeks old...

Do you think it's because he feels entitled to sex he's not getting? Some men are cruel in those weeks because they can't stand having to wait for sex until the person they "love" has healed up.

Oh and perhaps because he gets possessive about the baby and wants to take baby all the time and gets ANGRY if she objects?

Trying reading the fucking posts

Cross posts I was replying to HappyGirlNow

It's barely been 3 weeks since the birth, of course she's not going to want her baby away from her for long yet.

OP, your OH is being a prick. MIL isn't missing out yet, your child needs to be bonding with you first. And your OH needs to find some way to safely let go of whatever is causing his resentment and anger.

I'd go to your mother if it's possible, with DS.

That sounds a horrid way to live, OP and as if it is spoiling what should be a very precious time for you both.

"In an abusive situation, the abusive partner may ignore, override or sabotage the other parent’s wishes and concerns. One area where this may come up is how to feed your baby. Some parents may wish to breastfeed, and others may choose to use formula to feed their child. In order to move forward with either of these methods, having your partner’s support is very important to feel successful. Breastfeeding has many benefits and may increase connection with your child and even help lessen the impacts of postpartum mental health disorders. However, it can also be physically and emotionally draining for some parents. If your partner belittles you for challenges that you have with breastfeeding, prevents you from having time to breastfeed or pump or pressures you to breastfeed without providing support, these may be red flags for abuse. Using formula to feed your child also has benefits, and may allow for increased healing and relief for new parents. This feeding method also requires funds to purchase formula and may take time to make bottles to feed your child. If your partner refuses to provide financial assistance for formula, makes you feel guilty for using formula or pressures you to feed your child with formula but will not help with making bottles or feeding your child, these may be red flags for abuse."
From www.thehotline.org/2015/08/27/pregnancy-and-abuse-safety-during-postpartum/

Also see domesticpeace.ca/images/uploads/documents/ChildbearingYear.pdf

I think he needs to be very bluntly told that it isn’t normal to separate you and your baby at this stage. The last thing he should be doing is taking the baby on visits without you. What an idiot.

anotheremma it was a simple question to the OP, perhaps you need to work on your aggression? 🙂

Perhaps you need to work on your reading comprehension skills

@HappyGirlNow I don't feel able to be separated from my child when they are so young. It's not about trust, I would be beside myself to be separated from them as they are too little and I need to be with him and he needs to be with me.

You really don't have to explain yourself OP. Most people get it!

Thanks speedwagon for a simple reply to a simple question 🙂

God I wouldn’t even let my own mum push the pram even after months, let alone be apart from me, your hormones go insane and into protection mode.
I’d also write a letter and leg it to my mums (who is massively supportive, and a trained nurse but your body is telling you to be close to your baby)
I hope you feel better soon your husband is an arse!

HappyGirlNow the vast majority of new mothers will feel the same as the OP. I recall feeling that way with both DCs. It's an instinctive thing. Baby and mum need to be together for all the bonding stuff, etc.

The child's dad could post what he liked, but a bit of research will show there are reasons behind women not wanting to be separated from baby at such an early stage.

SO the OP doesn't want to leave her baby in the charge of someone who is constantly belittling and criticising her, no matter what she does, only a couple of weeks after the birth? How very odd of her.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Tell your mum, tell your midwife/health visitor and ask for their support. Abuse often starts either in pregnancy or when the baby arrives, because that's the point at which the abusive man thinks you are trapped and can't/won't leave.

And if your H is just a bit clueless or anxious or whatever, then maybe someone other than you can make him chill out and see sense, and accept that for the moment he's the least important person in the family.