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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH seems to resent me since our DC has been born

61 replies

Speedwagon · 01/02/2019 22:27

Myself and DH have been together for 8 years and married for nearly 2. Three weeks ago our DS was born. Before he was born DH was so loving towards me, since he's been born DH has changed.

The pregnancy and labour were straightforward in the grand scheme of things although I had some extensive tears. DS was planned and very much wanted by us both. DH loves DS and is pretty hands on but is judgmental of me as a mother IMO. I had quite bad baby blues and didn't want visitors in the first week except close family. MIL came over every day until about day 5 when I asked for some space. I think DH resents this. He keeps wanting to take DS out without me and is weirdly possessive over DS. He got angry with me today because he wanted to take DS to meet his aunt with his mum without me and I asked to go along as well and said it's too soon for me to be away from DS. This put him in a mood. He's always saying how MIL is missing out on things regarding our son, it's very pushy. He gets angry because I'm not happy with him taking DS out without me.

He is angry that I'm not breastfeeding too- he will say he isn't but I can tell he is. I tried to but my milk didn't come in and I felt lousy after the birth and then it didn't happen. He is making me feel guilty about that.

I feel like he doesn't understand at all what I've been through/ am going through physically and hormonally. He isn't showing affection towards me I can just sense seething resentment and he will ask me all the time to do skin on skin with DS for example, I feel like he's implying I'm not doing what I should be doing.

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to pander to and please him at a time when I should be being supported and nurtured by him. Another example is I lost my appetite completely and instead of encouraging me to eat in a kind way he kind of blew up about it and was angry.

Reading this back it paints a very negative picture which isn't really the whole story- I just want my DH to be more empathetic and support me and try to understand. Or at least for him to be honest and say why he's so angry with me as all I sense coming from him at the moment is anger and resentment.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 01/02/2019 23:48

"This is the reason why I rarely post here"

What a shame you sometimes do

Your latest post reveals that your "simple question" was actually a loaded question and I was completely right to suspect that you were going to follow up with your "but he's the dad" nonsense

I was going to say that I doubt you've ever had a newborn but actually that has nothing to do with it, I was capable of empathy towards new mothers before I became one myself.

Weenurse · 01/02/2019 23:53

Is it possible to go to your Mum’s?

Bluestitch · 01/02/2019 23:59

"This is the reason why I rarely post here"

What a shame you sometimes do

I think I love you!

I'm sorry OP, I agree with those asking if you can go to your Mum's for a bit?

Teapot1984 · 02/02/2019 00:11

HappyGirlNow

At 3 weeks post birth you're still feeling very raw physically and emotionally&it seems you're partner is being ignorant of this.

Reading between the lines I get the underlying impression that it's your MIL who's a big driving force behind your partners behaviour-she was loitering around the house until you've ask her to stop,she's pushing you to leave your tiny baby alone with her,she's wants her&your partner to take your baby out to meet her family and sadly she's probably filling your partners head with her ideas and opinions on how your should be raising your baby.

Tell him you want space and privacy to bond with your baby.

You're MIL has the rest of her life to spend with her grandchild so waiting a few more weeks or even months isn't going to kill her.

And lastly if you don't stand up to your MIL now then you'll be spending the rest of your child's childhood with her expecting you to do as she wants and says.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/02/2019 00:28

Poor you OP, he's really not getting it is he (and sounds like a complete dick). I do think you'd be wise to regard some of the advice here about abuse starting at this time, and also stop minimising his behaviour on his behalf. If it sounds bad that's because it is, and he is choosing to do it.

You are not a living breathing vending machine for a baby that he can make demands of, or shame into doing them when you are already doing your best. The fact he seems to have a problem with the fact the baby is more yours than his and that he thinks he needs to manage you into providing for the prodigal child as though the baby is all that matters in his eyes is coming across very weirdly. He sounds demented.

Have you attempted to discuss his concerning attitude with him? What does he say? Confused

I second getting this out in the open asap and not hiding or tolerating it, speak to the health visitor, friends, his mum etc and get advice and support, set MIL straight if needs be, the baby can see her in good time, if that becomes appropriate. Being with your newborn and sustaining your mental health is more important than whatever personal slight any idiots want to make it about.

everythingbackbutyou · 02/02/2019 00:29

MIL and dh are way out of order. It's YOUR baby, not hers. I have a friend whose MIL was present at the birth of her grandson, and who hogged the baby (in a room separate to the mother) for the first precious moments of his life, until a nurse finally intervened and suggested the baby go back to his mother. I understand that her dh was super excited, but the loss of those initial moments with her son has left my friend with massive amounts of hurt and sadness that she is really struggling to get over. Like hell should you be separated from your newborn against your wishes, and anyone (even dad) who tries to strongarm you into this situation is acting abusively, especially if you have made your discomfort clear.

everythingbackbutyou · 02/02/2019 00:31

In the charming words of my own dear mother, MIL needs to wind her neck in...

Thequaffle · 02/02/2019 00:40

OP you are completely right to not want to be separated from your DS. Your DH really should understand that, both baby and mum need each other at this stage, it’s a 2-way thing. He is prioritising his MIL needs over yours, you’re totally right in thinking he should be supporting you.
Tell him straight that you don’t need his criticism no matter how veiled and his role in this situation is to support you and help. He is currently underperforming in that role.

Original poster
Speedwagon · 02/02/2019 01:12

Thank you everyone for the replies, I'm going to stand up to him more and not try and pander to him like I have been doing. I have no idea how to get him to actually understand though because if he were posting jere he would be saying how unreasonable and possessive of DS I'm being, I can't actually believe he thinks it's fine to take my baby out to meet relatives and leave me sitting at home doing nothing- almost to make a point. He desperately wants to take the baby to his mums without me too- it's all the "without me" stuff I can't bear or understand, why is he so keen to have the baby away from me? Is he just wanting to prove a point? How can I get him to see sense? I'm strong armed into letting MIL hold the baby for long periods of time even though I don't like it, if I resist it causes arguments. I can't go to my mums she doesn't live in this country sadly. I don't want to get away from DH I just want him to acknowledge in some way that I've just given birth to his child and to be kinder and stop insisting he has DS without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Speedwagon · 02/02/2019 01:16

He won't even hug me when I ask him to now and he used to be so affectionate- why he seems angry with me and I am pretty sure it's a combination of him thinking his mother isn't getting enough time with DC, him thinking I'm possessive and me not breastfeeding.

OP posts:
PBobs · 02/02/2019 01:25

Yeah. You missed the biggest reason for his behaviour. He's an abusive shit.

Tinkerbell89 · 02/02/2019 01:38

I don't think this is healthy for you or baby. Baby should be with you, it's bonding time. Your DH shouldn't be trying to take baby away abd out without/from you. Could MIL be pulling the strings on this one? If she's wanting to see baby. How was the relationship before with DH before baby? All good? Men can struggle when a baby comes along abd they no longer come first. Hsve you told him how you feel? This sounds worrying about taking baby out without you, does he want time to bond? Otherwise this could be controlling behaviour and domestic abuse. Depends how you were before baby but I think you need to tell a HV what's happening and maybe invite your mum to stay for support so she can help you with him and protect you and baby. I wouldn't tell DH she's coming

ReanimatedSGB · 02/02/2019 01:43

OK, you have problems with this man. He is trying to exclude you because he believes that women are walking incubators, not people, and that babies/children belong to the man who provided the sperm rather than the woman who grew the baby.

You say your mum is not in the same country as you: is that because she's moved elsewhere, or because you moved to your current home to be with your H? Do you have other family members or friends reasonably nearby.... or did your H suggest (ie order) that you all move somewhere new to bring up the DC, somewhere conveniently too far for any of your friends or family to see much of you...

NotTheFordType · 02/02/2019 01:50

OP, I take it this is his first baby as well as yours. Do you think he was prepared for the reality of having a newborn? Did he do any reading up before the birth? Come to ante-natal classes/scans/etc with you?

Is he currently on Pat leave or are you taking shared parental leave - if so, how was it decided who would take what?

Has he attended during visits from your HV?

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 02/02/2019 01:57

This is so sad.

Ask him about the why, if you can.

Enlist help & support if you can't.

Weenurse · 02/02/2019 02:03

It is concerning about the without you time.
Why would he want to take a 3 week old baby anywhere without it’s Mum? Unless to build a case that he was primary Carter in the case of a split.
Why does he want to introduce baby to family without you there?
That makes no sense unless he means to exclude you now you have provided him with a child.
His actions are very hurtful.

AgentJohnson · 02/02/2019 05:16

This newborn sounds like a possession in a battle over territory. This a a very unhealthy dynamic and screams of ‘why can’t he see?’ aren’t very insightful or helpful.

Even though the OP’s H is being a bit of a dick I can understand his frustration at not being able to enjoy his newborn without the ever presence of an anxious mother.

OP you and your H are both doing a bang up job of not getting past your individual wants. There is common ground but if neither of you are prepared to entertain it, then the power struggle will continue to damage your relationship.

I’ve never suffered from anxiety and so find it difficult to empathise but I have been exposed to other people’s and it can be frustratingly exhausting.

gamerchick · 02/02/2019 05:30

Even though the OP’s H is being a bit of a dick I can understand his frustration at not being able to enjoy his newborn without the ever presence of an anxious mother

Where do you get the anxious mother from? If someone's being a cock to me when I'm feeling vulnerable it would make me a bit edgy, I don't know anyone who it wouldn't.

Are you one of those rare people who didn't mind not being around your newborn?

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 07:00

OP having read your latest post I'm even more worried about you now Sad Flowers

Are you in the UK or elsewhere? Do you have any of your own family or friends nearby?

Hopoindown31 · 02/02/2019 07:07

OP you said you suffered from baby blues, are you sure you are okay now? Have you spoken to your GP? I say this because I felt like you shortly after giving birth about my partner at the time and it was my anxiety and PND that was affecting me and making me interpret my DPs actions very negatively. I'm not doubting how you feel just asking you to make sure you are getting help if you need it.

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 07:10

Can we stop telling the OP she is anxious and misinterpreting things please

He is very clearly being abusive and that is bound to exacerbate any anxiety or depression

Of course OP needs support from her GP/HV and others but let's not plant the seed of doubt in her mind that any of this is her fault

It's not her, it's him.

Hopoindown31 · 02/02/2019 07:17

anotheremma

In your opinion.

I could have written a similar post at 3 weeks after my first. I had untreated PND and anxiety at the time. I have suffered with anxiety on and off for a long time and manage it now after extensive treatment.

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 07:19

Right, so you believed that your husband was frequently taking your baby out without you, but he actually wasn't? Were you having hallucinations?

You believed that he was frequently angry with you and refusing to hug you, for example, but he was actually being loving and physically affectionate?

Did you have post natal psychosis or something?

Surfskatefamily · 02/02/2019 07:20

Id find this abusive. Its entirely natural for a newborn not to leave their mother and it can be distressing for both the baby and you.
He is acting strange but i have heard this sort of behavior all too often.
Men getting jelous of the baby getting all your attention. And then trying to control you.
Id get HV involved, speak to husband, separately speak to MIL if your relationship is normally good. Husband can get counselling on this as its a common problem and he needs to fix it
Also if it doesnt look like changing either he can go live at his mothers or you and baby go to yours.

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 07:21

The projection is unbelievable. You are basically gaslighting the OP.

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