DH seems to resent me since our DC has been born

[Speedwagon]

Myself and DH have been together for 8 years and married for nearly 2. Three weeks ago our DS was born. Before he was born DH was so loving towards me, since he's been born DH has changed.

The pregnancy and labour were straightforward in the grand scheme of things although I had some extensive tears. DS was planned and very much wanted by us both. DH loves DS and is pretty hands on but is judgmental of me as a mother IMO. I had quite bad baby blues and didn't want visitors in the first week except close family. MIL came over every day until about day 5 when I asked for some space. I think DH resents this. He keeps wanting to take DS out without me and is weirdly possessive over DS. He got angry with me today because he wanted to take DS to meet his aunt with his mum without me and I asked to go along as well and said it's too soon for me to be away from DS. This put him in a mood. He's always saying how MIL is missing out on things regarding our son, it's very pushy. He gets angry because I'm not happy with him taking DS out without me.

He is angry that I'm not breastfeeding too- he will say he isn't but I can tell he is. I tried to but my milk didn't come in and I felt lousy after the birth and then it didn't happen. He is making me feel guilty about that.

I feel like he doesn't understand at all what I've been through/ am going through physically and hormonally. He isn't showing affection towards me I can just sense seething resentment and he will ask me all the time to do skin on skin with DS for example, I feel like he's implying I'm not doing what I should be doing.

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to pander to and please him at a time when I should be being supported and nurtured by him. Another example is I lost my appetite completely and instead of encouraging me to eat in a kind way he kind of blew up about it and was angry.

Reading this back it paints a very negative picture which isn't really the whole story- I just want my DH to be more empathetic and support me and try to understand. Or at least for him to be honest and say why he's so angry with me as all I sense coming from him at the moment is anger and resentment.

Cross post, my latest was to Hopoindown31

Your husband's behaviour is so wrong I don't know where to start. I think I would speak to the health visitor and ask her to explain to him the biological processes at play at the moment. Evolution has designed that mothers have an incredibly strong need to stay close to their baby while they are so small and vulnerable.

I would describe to him the physical and mental upset you feel when thinking of being away from ds. The tiny part of me that is feeling charitable says he might just not get it as dads don't have the same experience.

Honestly though, I think his attitude since ds was born would be making me think carefully about the marriage. He is showing such contempt for you and such a lack of care and compassion at a time when you are so vulnerable. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

@AnotherEmma you tell them! I totally agree with you.

Three weeks old and you're taking my baby to see who? I'd flip! Not considering risks of infection from unwashed hands and probably clothes the baby would come in contact with as a result of cuddles from relatives and I dread to think the kisses 🤢.

Yes OP you need to stand up to him as his behaviour is irrational. You're still fresh from giving birth and all you need is his support for goodness sake. Perhaps your close relative can come stay at yours for a day or two, that way you get support at least? X

Perhaps there has always been an issue with him pandering to MIL and this has brought it to the fore?

If talking about it doesn’t help, couple’s counselling might be worth a try.

My ex mil is still trying to replace me in my eldest sons life. You need to set firm boundaries with her & your DH needs to respect them too. It would be worth getting your HV to speak to him to explain why the first few weeks & months should be just about your family of 3. You will need to nip this in the bud now otherwise it will get worse.

I'm sending a different culture here??

I meant sensing!

I don’t think this is going to be a popular opinion but maybe he’s worried about you and trying to be supportive? You mentioned that you had extensive tears, ‘quite bad’ baby blues and it sounds to me that you may be projecting some guilt around not breast feeding.

Maybe when he was cross with you not eating it’s because he’s worried about you? He may also be trying to give you some time to rest without baby - trying to shoulder some of the responsibility. In my opinion it’s his baby too - how would you feel if he tried to stop you taking baby on your own to your parents (assuming they lived locally)

If you are both first time parents then you are both trying to find your way and your roles. The first few months are always hard after a baby

Maybe try to speak to someone in real life rather than the internet. People are always too keen to shout abuse, it doesn’t mean that it’s not but sometimes things get misinterpreted

Op stand up to your DH and MIL,
MIL should NOT be a big part of your lives right now, you are a new family unit, you DH and Dc.
she should wait to be invited or she is crossing the line....Put her firmly back behind the line YOU draw, and sod the arguments, stay calm, do EXACTLY what you need to and walk away from their (DH and MILs annoyance after)

Stop trying to pacify them.

You should be getting support from your DH, he should be putting you ahead of everything right now, it is not normal to be so obsessed with his mother!

If he is unwilling to be supportive then you have to toughen up and look after yourself and Dc, don't let MIL come as she wishes, don't let her take your baby out of your arms, ignore DHs comments and reply that he should be supporting you now.

Good luck op l hope it gets better..

I know it’s a funny thing, we expect dad’s to just trust mums to be alone and my ex was useless but I had to take a step back when we separated and he has him every other weekend.

However the oddest thing here is, he’s in a mood Cos you aren’t breast feeding then in a mood Cos you don’t want to leave baby? But if you were BF Chances are you wouldn’t be able to leave him?

He’s being a total idiot if he can’t see that?

I wonder if his mother has been talking about you behind your back.
It sounds horrific.
Last thing you need with a 1st baby.
Hope you're ok OP.