Telling kids about new partner post separation

[JudgyOldBag]

My boyfriend is currently going through divorce - he has been separated for 8 months. We have been together 3 months.

He has 2 kids and he wants to tell them about me. But I think it's too soon - they're still getting used to the idea of him being separated.

I'm also very wary of doing anything that might upset his ExW before the divorce is finalized. He thinks she'll be ok with it(she left him) , but I'm worried that if she isn't then she could become more vindictive in the divorce and make things even more awkward for him with childcare arrangements.

Can anyone tell me how long they waited to tell their kids / partner's kids about a new relationship?

Or from an ExW point of view - how would you feel hearing your ExH had found someone else so soon, and would that make you angry and less willing to cooperate with the divorce?

Extremely risky at this early stage even if it was the exW who left, and very bad for the kids. If your boyfriend pushes for this I'd see it as a massive red flag.

Agree too early to tell kids.... And would be reluctant to tell ex if you're not in contact with the kids....
Just hope he's not using you to get back at her....

Why a red flag Oops ? I do think he's too keen, I think he just wants life to be normal and for me to be a part of it. So I don't see it as a red flag as such, but I have told him to slow down.

Do you think it's risky for the ExW to know, given she might not take it very lightly?

DP currently has contact every other weekend, so I stay away those weekends, but I'm wondering about half-term and what we'll do then. Neither of us are keen on the idea of not seeing each other for a week, given that we practically live in each other's houses now, but I've told him I think it's necessary.

I don't think hes necessarily angling to tell the ExW so it's not a case of getting back at her - but he just wants to share his news with his DCs.

But I've told him that what the DCs don't know at this stage won't have any impact on them. They don't need to know, it's not like I'm going to bump into them, so it's best to let it lie for now.

Question for ExWives - would you be upset if your DCs were staying with your ExH and his new girlfriend came to visit?

I met DH 10 months after his ex left him for someone else but she was still hostile to me - I guess it was the classic "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him."

She told the DCs about me and DH within 2 months of me meeting him because she wanted to come clean to the DCs about her own new relationship and wanted to use me and DH as a "see we've all moved on, everything's ok" buffer so the DCs didn't blame her for finding someone else.

I'd see it as a red flag that your boyfriend would be willing to explode the bomb of a new partner into his DC's lives before he knows whether you'll last the distance. Both his and his DC's lives have been turned upside down but as an adult your boyfriend can move on and find solace with a new partner. His DCs however have no such comfort and are probably still grieving the loss of the family unit that they knew. That's why he owes it to them to take it as slow as he can.

Oh and head on over to the stepparenting board to see just how many exes cause merry hell even when the step mum came on the scene years after the divorce/separation.

(*disclaimer I am not implying all ex wives are like this nor are all stepmums inherently wonderful)

Even if they split years ago and were amicable I would still say it's too early. Most people wouldn't introduce family to someone they had been dating for 3 months let alone kids. I would say 6 months+ for letting them know (unless they're teens or older but it doesn't sound it) and then 12m+ for meeting. Again depends on age and how practical that is with contact arrangements. 3 months is too early to know if the relationship is a go-er and he doesn't want to have to make his kids roll their eyes if he is introducing girlfriends every new year (although I hope not and good luck with the relationship!)

He has only been separated 8 months, that in itself is a massive thing for young kids to deal with so introducing a new girlfriend on top of all that turmoil would be utterly insensitive to the children. And no offence op, but you have only been seeing each other for 3 months, yet 'we practically live in each other's houses now'. This sounds like the total opposite to taking it slow and to introduce such a short term partner to his kids is a red flag for me.
Is he usually this ignorant with his kids emotional well being?

In answer to your question, if my ex of only 8 months, who I was still married to, allowed a stranger access to my kids I would think he is a dickhead and would be far from happy.

You are utterly right that it’s way too early for him to introduce you to his kids! 3 months is crazy early, 6 months is too early, about 12 months+ is probably about right.

I would question why he is so desperate to introduce you into his kids lives: is he a crap parent on his own who needs a co-pilot? Is he not over his wife leaving him and trying to convince himself that he’s moved on? Is he trying to get back at her by doing something that no mother would think was ok for her kids? Is he unable to be on his own and trying to lock you into being with him? Does he just want to get laid more often and thinks that if the kids know about you then you can stay over more?

Do some digging here because the only reason to introduce a partner to your kids is if it is 100% in their best interest and you are completely committed and have been with someone for a good long time (6 months is NOT a long time). He sure as hell is not thinking of his kids here - he’s being selfish for God knows what reason.

We certainly aren't taking it slow with each other - we are very serious about each other, but that's different to taking it slow with telling his DCs I agree.

I see this as 2 separate issues - confusing the DCs, and upsetting the ExW. We both feel pretty serious about each other, so meeting the DCs feels like a natural next step. But I agree that they're still getting used to their new way of life so it's best we don't introduce any more changes yet.

I will have a look at the Stepparenting boards, thank you Oops

Is he usually this ignorant with his kids emotional well being?

He adores them, is devastated that they no longer live with him and is desperate to do the right thing by them. None the motives suggested above chime with me... I think it's more likely that he just wants to settle into normal life with me and for the DCs to be part of that. I guess he's a classic example of a man who doesn't want to live alone - he was desperately lonely both within his marriage for years, and after his exW left, so he's just happy to have a companion now I think.

He is seeking normality I think, hence the desire to tell the kids about me

OP if he adores his kids and is as good a dad as you say he is then he will respect them and understand that this is not currently in their best interests. It sounds like he wants a ready made happy family and doesn’t realise that you can’t just conjure these things up out of thin air. Even if things were awful at home before the separation the kids are still adjusting to a new way of life and they need to build a new relationship with their dad that he can sustain on his own. It’s fine that you’re in a relationship with him (although being so serious at 3 months in is a bit of a red flag) but you should not have anything to do with those children for a long time.

I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out - whether knowing that their Daddy had a girlfriend would not be in the best interests of the DCs. They are 9 and 13.

They have asked him if he has a girlfriend in a jokey manner, and he has said no. So they're clearly aware of the concept, but the reality would be different.

He is very conscious that they need to build a new normal with him, to get into a good routine of what their weekends with Dad will be like.

You do sound pretty sensible and level headed about this. I think you just have to rein him in. They just don’t need to know about you at the moment or for quite a long while - you are nothing to do with them. If you’re still with him a year down the line then it could be very different, but currently you have no place in their lives and no need for them to know about you.

You've been together THREE months and you're practically living together and he wants you to be involved with his kids? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

DH and I were serious about each other very quickly so I don't discount your relationship just for being new - I moved 200 miles to live near DH after only 3 months! But I also rented a room in a house share for the first couple of years for when DH had his kids, it was important that we didn't expect the DCs to go at the same pace as we were because they are not us.

Having said all that I would disagree with PP about waiting a year to meet the DCs - I think it's too long. I would personally say around 6-8 months is about right to meet during the day then building up gradually to staying over if the DCs are comfortable with it. The danger with leaving it too long is if you subsequently find out that his kids/their mum will never accept you or that DP's parenting style is totally at odds with what you can tolerate you're already heavily invested in your relationship with your DP and more likely to try and make things work even if it's clearly not best thing for you and/or the DCs. Beware especially Disney Dad parenting - it's the death knell for many a relationship!

I think 6 months + is the normal time to come clean about a new partner and meeting each other. If the kids find out about you then it will quickly lead to a meeting and 3 months is far too soon for that.

I'm on the other side of this....in fact the time lines and situation with 2 kids are the same. I might wonder if you were the girlfriend if he hadn't already told me he has met her kids and he has less contact than every ow. He has told me he is telling them in 3 weeks when it will be 3 months and I have told him I am Not happy but I cannot stop him. I could not care less he has a girl friend but I think he wants to tell them for his own reasons not what's best for them. She lives over an hour away and he still lives with his parents so there is no reason they need to know - they won't bump into her (especially as he barely takes them past his mums front room)

He said he feels bad when they say what has he been up to and he cannot tell them.

I don't see why he cannot just say he went out with friends. I also told him I firmly disagree that he met her kids after 6 weeks!

I suggested a year a few posts up, my reasoning being that the dad and his ex wife only separated 8 months ago. Kids need a decent stretch of time to get over a separation and if you go with 6 months in the relationship you’re looking at under a year since the split - I think that is way too soon.

Gosh I remember meeting my dads new GF. She was perfectly nice I suppose, and it had been a good year, maybe 18 months since the breakup. We HATED her. Were horrible to her on purpose. Put things in her shoes and coat pockets. Hid her keys.

I think if you want to end up the butt of their anger towards their dad, go ahead and meet them. Otherwise slow the hell down!

DH and I were serious about each other very quickly so I don't discount your relationship just for being new

Thank you - I know it sounds very soon to be so serious about each other but I think that's a factor of our age/experiences. We have both seen enough to know when it's real. It is real.

But yes, good point about not expecting the DCs to go at the same pace as us.

Also agree that there's no need for them to know about me yet - logistically it's easy for me to stay out of the way when DP is with them, so there's no reason why we can't keep doing that. We're the grown ups here, we can manage.

I have met DPs family, and they are all keen for me to become a part of their lives, inviting me to family parties etc where the DCs will be present. We keep having to explain to them that the DCs don't know about me and we dont want to rock the boat, but it's difficult. DPs father hit the nail on the head though when he said until the divorce is settled and everything is agreed we mustn't rock the boat ... he obviously knows the exW so he's speaking from an informed position.

Yeah this isn’t ok. Way too early. And don’t let him introduce you as “a friend” either. My dad did this to me when he split up with my mum. About 9 months after I went to his house for the weekend and this woman was there “his friend” he said. At first I liked her because she was nice to me but then every time I went to my dads there she was. Every time he took me somewhere surprise surprise she came too. Kids aren’t stupid they will work it out. I knew she was his girlfriend and started to hate them both because of it. She started sleeping over after a bit and I just felt so many emotions toward them and none of them were good. I’ve never forgiven my dad for putting a new relationship about the relationship that he should have had with me. My mum eventually settled with my stepdad years later but she told me when I was grown up that she had dated a lot in that first couple of years after the split but never introduced anyone to me or let our lives cross and I am so grateful to her that she acted like a proper grown up and a thoughtful parent

Sounds a classic 'man who needs a woman, any woman' man. 3 months is a ridiculous timeline. Were you actually the other woman but don't want to say, as this would be about the time I would expect the other woman to appear out of nowhere, all loved up. So either you are a classic rebound or the other woman. Yes, kids, and ex, are not going to be falling over themselves with delight.

He's taking it much too quickly. The kids need stability and predictability in their lives. Everything they know has been turned upside down, and this is the hardest thing they will ever have been through. He needs to put them first, and not force his new life onto them.

My ex wife met someone within a couple of months of moving out of the marital home. She had introduced the kids a couple of months after that, moved the fella in a couple of months after they met him, and they were engaged within another couple of months. It was all way, way too fast for my daughters, who were 12 and 10 at the time. They have since told me that they found it all very, very hard. And they haven't really forgiven her for it - they could see that she was putting her feelings ahead of their own, and she couldn't see why they wouldn't be just as excited as she was at this great new love she had found. That really isn't how it works for kids!

In contrast, it is only now (3 years later) that I have finally met someone. Because my kids needed to come first, and know they came first, in that period. And it will be a long, long time before my kids meet my girlfriend - if they ever do.

So he needs to slow down. As for your comment about not wanting to be apart for a week over half term, I would respectfully remind you that he only sees his kids every other weekend. So they constantly go for 10 or 11 days being apart from him. If he gets to spend more time with them over half term, I suggest you just deal with it - they need him more than you do, and they've already got the crap end of the stick in all of this.

On which note, he really should be looking at ways to have them more often the every other weekend. He can't be a hands on, involved Dad 4 days a month