Telling kids about new partner post separation

[JudgyOldBag]

My boyfriend is currently going through divorce - he has been separated for 8 months. We have been together 3 months.

He has 2 kids and he wants to tell them about me. But I think it's too soon - they're still getting used to the idea of him being separated.

I'm also very wary of doing anything that might upset his ExW before the divorce is finalized. He thinks she'll be ok with it(she left him) , but I'm worried that if she isn't then she could become more vindictive in the divorce and make things even more awkward for him with childcare arrangements.

Can anyone tell me how long they waited to tell their kids / partner's kids about a new relationship?

Or from an ExW point of view - how would you feel hearing your ExH had found someone else so soon, and would that make you angry and less willing to cooperate with the divorce?

He is on the rebound and in a mess emotionally. Wants a new branch before letting go of the other.

You cannot genuinely know at 3 months if its serious. People unfold over time.

Youre getting a hurt and needy man who is lonely - for that type any woman will do. Sounds harsh but true. You could literally be anyone to fill the void and be a helpful distraction from the unhappiness. This isnt a sustainable scenario.

Dont meet the kids and for your own sake keep your eyes open.

His wife's decision to uproot the kids and take them away from their father is an appalling one.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I agree with most of what you've said, but not this. We have no idea why the marriage broke down. OP's partner has told her the marriage was "dead" for years, no sex etc which could well be true but equally is what every single bloke fresh out of a marriage (or cheating) always says. I mean, he's not likely to tell his new girlfriend that he was an emotionally and financially abusive shit bag, or that he cheated on her, or that he drank too much. And this relationship is so new that these behaviours could easily be hidden. I imagine if you asked the ex wife, you'd get a very different version of how the marriage came to break down.

If a woman came on here saying that, having lived with her husband and kids in her home town in Scotland, the family had subsequently moved 500 miles away to be with DH's family. However he had cheated/become abusive/the marriage was unhappy and she was struggling as a single mum with no support system, people would be telling her to move back home. I just don't think it's black and white enough to label it as an "appalling" decision without more information than we have here.

says the marriage was dead for years before she left and he's glad it's over

Sheshouldhave a LOT of guilt

If the top statement is true then there is literally no reason she should feel guilty for ending the marriage. And let's be honest, like PPs have said, hes not going to tell you they broke up because he cheated/was abusive etc.
I also don't think she sounds unhinged if she moved 500 miles away from her own family and home to be with your now DP. It sounds like she gave the marriage a good go.
You also say DPs dad says to not rock the boat, and you've automatically assumed it's because exW is a shit stirred, nice attitude. Maybe hes more worried about what the children will be put through, probably thinking about them more than your DP.
I can't imagine knowing someone for 3 months and believing you genuinely know every thing about them and unilaterally believing their side of the story.
And when someone talks about the script, it's not just for cheaters, it's literally saying everything he thinks you want to hear. Sounds like things are going very fast, and while I do believing you are thinking about the DC in the middle, you also come across as a bit gullible and naive, things are different when children are involved.

He sounds a mess and you sound like a rescuer. Been there. I wouldn't recommend it.

My friend is on the other side of this at the moment. She separated from ex husband a year ago and he is still bitter and angry and can’t let go of her but has been in another relationship since just a few months after they split. He simultaneously wants to put the new partner in his daughters life and cannot stop loving his ex (my friend). He feeds the new woman his version of events - that his ex is a bitch who ended it because she didn’t love him any more, wouldn’t sleep with him any more, fancied other people etc. But his ex actually ended it because he was emotionally abusivd and horrible to live with and she was so broken down by the misery of it that she had to get out. Of course he’s never going to say any of that to his new woman and he’s never going to admit that he’s still in love with the ex either (although he regularly makes this clear to the ex). To he new woman he’s all hearts and flowers and wanting a new life but he’s just on the rebound and trying to hurt his ex and make her jealous. It’s disgusting that he’s dragged their 11 year old daughter into this by forcing the new woman on her already.

That was a bit of a ramble. What I mean is that I hope you’re right and everything isnlovely and this is a really nice relationship that will go the distance but actually you have only one side of the narrative and no idea what he could be hiding from you or what his motivation is to replace his wife so quickly. I don’t want to piss on your parade and like I say I hope I’m wrong but I’ve watched my friend break down so many times over this situation.

You both sound a bit infatuated but from your posts you are starting to see the cracks but are choosing to ignore them. My exH (took the divorce nearly SIX years to be finalised because he messed around) told anyone who would listen how controlling I was and how we never had sex. The truth was he was very abusive and we were (foolishly) trying for dc3. He then set up shop with someone from work (ow) and her ready made family. Our children were replaced by hers and then they very quickly had 2 more children. He read both of us the script. Their relationship is very fragile according to the children (10 and 11) with frequent arguments, walking outs, and threatening to split up. The eldest hates them both but due to a court order they have to go. His gf is well aware she's taken on a dud but is trapped now and he's trapped as he has nowhere to go if he leaves and then has 4 children split over 2 homes. It's a shame for all involved that he didn't take a year or so to work on himself after the marriage failed, get his own home, and prioritise his children instead of getting his new gf pregnant. It's a car crash of a situation of his making. He hates me and has made my life hell but I'm the crazy unreasonable controlling one.

Beware of believing everything you are told OP. They only tell you what they want you to know and all the infatuation hormones prevent you from questioning things at first.

I’m also an ex wife. My exH was in a serious relationship with his (now ex) girlfriend within about a year. They moved in together theee years ago. He as a parent is pretty lame tbh. When not in a relationship he had minimal contact with the dc but with her installed things were actually better and more stable. She made 100% effort for the kids, and for that I am hugely grateful. For this reason I always give her time/consideration/respect.

Except suddenly last summer their relationship broke down. They are in the long process of selling the house and him moving out. My dc have been affected by this. Talking to his gf history basically repeated itself with him. He was all hearts/flowers/enthusiasm initially. Then got comfortable once the home was set up and made zero effort.

People repeat patterns in relationships. It pays to 1) take a long break between relationships and reflect, and 2) to really get to know someone. Like over years.

And with kids involved it can never be more vital. My youngest is now self harming and cites the instability with her dad’s house move at the top of her list of worries. It’s utterly horrible and I feel guilty about the mess and upheaval in her life and it’s beyond my control. I think men in particular often rush to fill the wife-shaped hole. It’s not healthy.

My DP is on the same page as me. We always conducted our relationship around our dc. We’ve been together 3 years and are only just mixing our dc.

This stuff really affects children. And beware the story of the controlling ex.

I'm reading and taking all of your advice in, thanks everyone.

I know things are moving fast between DP and I, but we won't let the pace of our relationship affect his DCs.

I do feel negativity towards his ex, yes, but you're right she was perfectly right to end the marriage - DP says the same and doesn't blame her at all for that. He's just trying to navigate the not entirely easy situation of managing contact while they're so far away.

It's clear to me from all the advice that it is way too soon to even tell the DCs about me, and I agree with that. I hadn't really thought about how they might feel that they would be competing with me for their Dad's time/attention, or that they might resent me impinging on their time with him, so I take that on board. There genuinely is no reason for me to be there when DP has contact with them, apart from maybe summer holidays when they're with him for a longer period of time. I will bear it in mind.

OP you sound very level headed and considerate of how the DC may feel.

For me personally, I would be wary of entering a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to be putting his DC needs first and doesn’t seem very aware of their emotional needs to even be considering introducing them to you after such a short period.
I’d be put off by someone with this parenting style.
I think it’s a bit worrying that hes got you involved in his parenting decisions this early on.

I think it's just naivete and being swept up in the romance and wants it all to be lovely. I'm a bit more reserved and putting the brakes on.

I said upthread that around 6-8 months might be a suitable time to wait so you don't get too invested only to find out you and the DCs don't take to each other - however in light of your updates about the distances there's probably no need for you to be involved for a long time unless your DP plans to move back up north. Sure he can break the news about having a girlfriend at some point but seeing as he only sees them EoW with no weeknights in between it's only fair you leave them all to enjoy their time together for a good while yet.

I would be very cautious because your DP seems to have this idealised version of how his DCs will take to you - he loves you so why shouldn't they? But he should be aware enough to know these things rarely just slot into place and need to be actively worked on. Parents like him are the ones who tend to dismiss their partner's thoughts and feelings in favour of maintaining this illusion of a happy new family unit even if the reality that you and the DCs are living is far from harmonious. They also tend to be the ones who gradually delegate the childcare chores and associated mental load to you e.g shopping and cooking for the family, making sure the DCs have their school uniforms sorted etc, lots of little things that all add up. By wanting to rush into blending you and his kids lives together it's like he wants to skip a big chunk of the dating part of getting to know you as one half of a couple and slot you straight into the wife-shaped space left by his ex. I'm not saying things won't work out between you and him but as a stepparent myself I am seeing a lot of warning signs here tbh.

I think it's just naivete and being swept up in the romance and wants it all to be lovely.
But when you’re a parent you need to put your DC needs first.

Most decent parents would realise that this isn’t the best thing for their DC and wouldn’t even be discussing it. That’s what’s a red flag.
What other poor parenting decisions is he going to make that you’ll have to step in and ‘fix’ and spend time and energy on.

The fact that you are looking into what’s best for them and how it could affect them emotionally is lovely of you but it is concerning that you are looking out for his DC this early on. It should be him who’s doing this, not you.

Yes, I would not want to be in a relationship with somebody who is demonstrating that they do not put their children’s needs and emotions about their own.

That's your gut talking to you. Listen to it. I'd bet my bottom dollar he'll try and override your sensible approach with assurances that it will be fine, the kids will love you, they aren't affected by the divorce, they are perfectly happy etc. And you'll feel like an overcautious idiot who is too uptight to enjoy the fun and freedom of the relationship he's offering. Don't fall for it. Been there. His poor kids were totally not ok even though it had been 2 years since the divorce. His ex was on her third live in boyfriend, he wanted someone to fill the wife role. His kids were feral and my kids didn't like them because their behaviour was appalling. No one had any boundaries, including him, and he ignored my boundaries, and after 11 months I said enough and should have listened to my gut when I first met him. Listen to that nagging at the back of your mind. Reading your posts we can hear it but it's you that needs to listen. Good luck OP