Telling kids about new partner post separation

[JudgyOldBag]

My boyfriend is currently going through divorce - he has been separated for 8 months. We have been together 3 months.

He has 2 kids and he wants to tell them about me. But I think it's too soon - they're still getting used to the idea of him being separated.

I'm also very wary of doing anything that might upset his ExW before the divorce is finalized. He thinks she'll be ok with it(she left him) , but I'm worried that if she isn't then she could become more vindictive in the divorce and make things even more awkward for him with childcare arrangements.

Can anyone tell me how long they waited to tell their kids / partner's kids about a new relationship?

Or from an ExW point of view - how would you feel hearing your ExH had found someone else so soon, and would that make you angry and less willing to cooperate with the divorce?

So either you are a classic rebound or the other woman

Neither, but thanks. I had nothing to do with his breakup, met him 4-5 months after his wife left him.

I did worry about him being on the rebound at first, but honestly he is settled, happy with the situation, says the marriage was dead for years before she left and he's glad it's over. He dated a bit before he met me, got the rebound out of his system.

He is however clearly looking for a relationship to slot into his life, I can see that. But he was desperately lonely for years with zero sex and zero interaction with his wife - it's no wonder he's keen now for me to be a part of his life.

So yeah of course I'm guarded about the 'rebound' question, and I've questioned it myself, I was also coming out of a painful relationship myself, but we are genuinely really happy.

Ah, you've been read "the script." Wise up OP.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad thank you for sharing your experience, it's good to hear that from your point of view.

I think the difference though with your DCs is that presumably they lived with their mother, so her having a new partner and moving him in did understandably change their lives too - forgive me if I've misunderstood that.

Whereas DP having a girlfriend could conceivably not affect his DCs lives at all, if I'm not there during the times he's with them. I wouldn't say he was choosing me or putting his feelings above theirs at all - he's choosing to be happy during the times he's not with them.

As for your comment about not wanting to be apart for a week over half term, I would respectfully remind you that he only sees his kids every other weekend. So they constantly go for 10 or 11 days being apart from him. If he gets to spend more time with them over half term, I suggest you just deal with it - they need him more than you do, and they've already got the crap end of the stick in all of this.

You're absolutely right of course. I was being a bit shortsighted there. I'm not a parent myself and this is all new to me but of course you're right. I'm a grown up and I can cope with not seeing him for a week, it's fine.

On which note, he really should be looking at ways to have them more often the every other weekend. He can't be a hands on, involved Dad 4 days a month Try telling that to his exW. He would love to have them more. He hasn't been given the choice. She moved 500 miles away from him, he works full time. It has broken his heart.

I think it's really good that you're taking this seriously and putting the brakes on when your partner is going too fast. I'd wait for the divorce personally and then make a plan.

He should tell his ex wife first, both out of respect to her and so she's prepared that you'll be telling the kids.

Also if she wants to (she might not), be willing to meet her first. I think if I was in that situation I'd want to meet the person who will be spending time with my kids.
Then do the introductions slowly. Lunch, days out then go from there.
Don't let him push you into doing all this too fast!

Ah, you've been read "the script." Wise up OP

I'm aware of 'the script'. Isn't that what cheating men tend to say to justify their behaviour?

my DP didn't cheat. his exW left him. Am I supposed to be automatically suspicious of him?

S

From the point of view of an 11 year old girl.

I was devastated when my parents split up and I would say it took me a good 2 years to feel ok about it. However, what made things 10 times worse was my DF introducing me to his new girlfriend about 3-4 months in. I hated to have to share my Dad with her, as I only saw him once in the week and EOW. As an 11 year old, I blamed her and hated her.

Is he going to move nearer to his kids?

@Judgyoldbag it's a 50/50 setup for my kids, so the fact that they spend half their time with me gave them a refuge from having a stranger living in their mum's house.

My comments about his feelings being put ahead of theirs weren't so much about the fact of him having a girlfriend. No issue with that, although it has all happened very quickly following previous relationships for both of you - so I'd urge you to take your time because the rebound effect is very real. You should definitely be careful of your entire lives revolving around one another - that can be a pretty unhealthy dynamic. And if it doesn't work out, the crash back to earth could be pretty devastating. Still, that's your call.

It's actually about what happens following him introducing you to them, if he presses on with that. If you become a regular feature within their time with him, they will almost certainly feel that you're encroaching on their very limited time with their dad, during what is already a difficult transition for them. If you don't regularly see them after being introduced, then why the rush to introduce you? Thats what I mean when I talk about his feelings being put ahead of theirs - they need his undivided attention when they're with him, because they have a lot of change to adapt to.

I think the distance could be a significant factor here. In his shoes, at this point I'd be job hunting and preparing to move my life 500 miles to remain properly involved with my kids. His wife's decision to uproot the kids and take them away from their father is an appalling one. But there is a real risk in these circumstances that he is going to become more and more isolated from their lives, particularly as they get older and don't want to spend every other weekend travelling across the country away from friends and hobbies. Just be prepared for him to make the decision that he needs to be closer to them. I know it won't be what you want, but it is the right thing for him to do as a father.

I understand the desire for the relationship to be ‘normal’ but the fact is as soon as a relationship with kids breaks down life is forever complex, with plans (holidays, Christmases, birthdays) forever dependent on the ex, the kids, who is where when. What it’s like now is how it will always be. The relationships between everyone in step families take time and can’t be rushed and these kids have had so much upheaval already and also have moved 500 miles away. How old are they?

Also don’t forget these children have to move between two houses now for the rest of their lives and so you two, as grownups, can definitely manage a few years. A week apart is nothing. The fact you talk like this is too long shows you are caught up in the thrill of the new relationship and not thinking with a mature head.

Your relationship is balm for the soul I’m sure for the two of you. But for his kids you are a stranger, and you represent more upheaval and instability and worry. There’s absolutely no need right now. Quite apart from the divorce issue. Get to know each other first!

If it’s ‘real’ you’ve the rest of your lives to move things along. So go slow.

Why did his wife move 500 miles away?

If his wife lived 500m away there isn't really any need to tell them anyway. They aren't going to find out any other way so you can take things slowly. Easier than if there were a risk of them finding out from elsewhere

He’s known you for 12 weeks! Normality for who? Introducing you to his kids certainly isn’t for his kids benefit.

If you become a regular feature within their time with him, they will almost certainly feel that you're encroaching on their very limited time with their dad, during what is already a difficult transition for them. If you don't regularly see them after being introduced, then why the rush to introduce you?

Yes that makes sense - bless them, they're still getting used to their new way of life. And exactly that - if I'm not going to be a regular feature of their lives (and I agree I shouldn't be and won't be for reasons I'll come to in a minute) then there's no rush.

His exW moved back to Scotland - they used to live there as a family, then they moved to where his family were. Marriage broke down, she moved back north. He didn't feel able to go with her partly because he had a job here, and partly because his family and entire support network were here and he needed them. He could consider moving to be closer to them in the future, I don't know.

They don't come down to his every other weekend - he goes to them, precisely so as not to uproot them. He does all the travelling to and from them, she refuses to budge. He sometimes goes during the week, depending on his work (he's self employed so is quite flexible) so he does the school run and things with them then. But she will only allow 2 nights every 2 weeks. This is yet to be agreed formally in the divorce but she is hugely restrictive in the contact she allows him to have. He's a good Dad, there is no reason for this other than control.

A week apart is nothing. The fact you talk like this is too long shows you are caught up in the thrill of the new relationship and not thinking with a mature head.

Yeah of course you're right, I am indeed just wrapped up in the new relationship at the moment and need to get a grip of myself. THis thread is helping me get some perspective, thank you.

I think sometimes people get wrapped up in the romance of introducing someone to their kids and everything being perfect because that’s the narrative that we’ve been sold in every rom com film or chick lit book that’s ever been written about the subject. But we need to remember that things need to move fast in films and books as a device to move he plot along. It’s not how real life is or should be, it’s that way in fiction because it wouldn’t hold out attention if it was spread out over years.

It is way too soon to tell DCs about you after only 3 months. Its also not worth potentially jeopardising his contact with his DCs. His wife doesnt know u and so wouldnt take kindly to you being with her children when they have had so much change. Better for your DP to spend time alone with them and u see him when he doesnt have them. Then if your relationship is going to be long term you will have better relationship with then if they’ve met u after say a year - as they will have come to terms with breakup. Parents will have seen break up coming but kids wont have and so its still new to them. Kids dont like change!

Yes very good point Jeackyll I agree with you. DP is certainly wrapped up in the romance of it all, he is convinced his DCs will love me and it will all be exciting and fun. He would be very disappointed if that wasn't the case, so I think we need to keep it real.

I'm definitely the more sensible reluctant one in the relationship. I think he's suffered so much shock and upheaval, and the desolation of having his entire family suddenly moved 500m away, that he's trying to recreate something with me to fill that 'family' sized hole that was ripped away. I certainly feel that with how keen he is for me to be at his house - it must have felt so empty and devastating after they left.

The DCs are sad about having left their home, school, grandparents, cousins and friends, so when they do get to come to their Dad's place (which currently is only during holidays because he won't drag them all the way down here for a weekend) it needs to be protected and preserved as 'their' space and time. I get that.

You really do sound like you want the best for them and will do the right thing. I hope that when the time comes you’ll also offer to meet the ex wife before you meet the kids (she may not want to but it’s sensible to offer) because she doesn’t know you at all and any reasonable parent would want to meet someone who is going to be spending time with their children.

Some people on here are just so bloody miserable about separated parents finding new happiness. Automatic red flag bollocks that assume that as an adult human female you can't possibly know your own mind or relationship!

I say play it by ear. Every relationship different but wouldn't let any cats out of any bags until divorce is sorted. It will change EVERYTHING. At the moment she may have some guilt which will play out better for him. And allow him a stronger negotiating-position. Re kids /home / money.

Enjoy each other , introductions post divorce is always better.
If no divorce because weren't married then simply go for it when both feel ready.

I met my DH three Weeks post split introduced kids six weeks later .
We are 16 yrs in to ridiculously happy marriage. (And b happy kids)

Thank you Patchwork I did feel a bit offended by the suggestions of red flags and 'the script' as if he's automatically at fault because the men always are...

They are married, and divorce proceedings are ongoing.

At the moment she may have some guilt which will play out better for him. And allow him a stronger negotiating-position. Re kids /home / money exactly. She should have a LOT of guilt, and he should have a strong negotiating position on contact, travel (she ought to meet him halfway, it wasn't his choice to live 500 miles away from his own kids) and money.

The last thing I want to do is jeopardise any of that by her turning bitter about the idea of him having a girlfriend. I don't know her of course, and given he was the one suggesting I meet the kids, he hadn't really thought about what it might do to her attitude re divorce. But the fact that his DF (who does know her) strongly warned him not to rock the boat until the divorce is through suggests to me that there's the potential there for what seems ok and amicable now to turn sour.

Bess thank you - you sound lovely, and I get that it must be hard for you and worrying at the same time - you're concerned that if your ex's relationship fails then it would be confusing for the kids, which is totally understandable.

Given my DPs contact arrangements, it simply won't be possible for me to be a big part of his DCs lives other than during holidays when they come to visit him here. I suppose in the future I may join him when he takes them for weekends away, but that is very much in the future and to be led by them. So I'm hoping theres minimal disruption to the DCs by having me involved with their father.

Some blaming the wife creeping in here op. They all lived up north as a family but moved down to be near his family, now the marriage has broken down of course she wants be near her family again. As for the kids being sad leaving his side of the family they are no doubt being welcomed very warmly back home where they used to live anyway. As for the contact, you say it is difficult because the wife wants 'control' .
There is some very emotive language you are using including his family 'being ripped away from him' and she should feel guilt etc, but 2 people are involved in the breakdown of a marriage. He shares equal blame in this but you are believing, no doubt, anything he says about his wife. Believing everything someone tells you when you've only known them 12 weeks is very, very naive. If you are still together in a few months, then before you meet his kids you could suggest meeting his ex, I'm sure she will have a very different version of what your boyfriend is telling you. Good luck.

It's unnecessarily soon. There is no rush to complicate everyone's lives and emotions. He can see you lots when he doesn't have the kids.

I've been seeing my new boyfriend for 4 months and my eldest knows about him but hasn't met him yet. We only see each other when we don't have our kids and it's quite nice to have separate lives. I want my kids to get used to us being split up and their new home. I also don't want them to have to share their home with a stranger so even if they end up meeting him later in the year, I'll only see him when I don't have the kids.