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Original poster

Heartbroken I will never have a 25 year wedding anniversary or a young marriage

86 replies

User444441 · 31/01/2019 20:31

My life is fine. I do things I enjoy. I have interests and hobbies and friends.

I haven’t met the right one and at 36 I feel like it’s all over.

I watched my friends marry in their twenties and most are still together now. They have all that to look back on as a couple. Even if I met someone now, we’d barely have a long history to our relationship even if we were lucky enough to have kids.

Life feels so meaningless.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 01/02/2019 14:02

I married at 23. My husband died a few months before our 25th anniversary. I have now met someone else and I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked. He's 60 I'm 55. His dad is 91 so we still could have 25 years.
Whatever you have just enjoy it. Life can change in a millisecond. I just heard this morning that a good friend of mines husband had had a brain haemorrhage last night and he's unlikely to live. Live every moment as well as you can

SwordofGryffindor · 01/02/2019 14:06

YOU create happiness. A partner does not

BitchQueen90 · 01/02/2019 14:12

I married at 21 and we were divorced when I was 23. So it's not all happiness and light. Grin

It's put me off ever marrying again.

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 01/02/2019 14:13

I'm 40 - never married, a series of long term boyfriends which never got to much.

Met my new boyfriend 3 months ago. We are deliriously happy. He is divorced, was married for 20+ years, regretted the last 10 years he spent miserable.

I'm sometimes sad I've gone this long without ever finding commitment, but I'm so happy and excited to see what the future brings with my new love.

delboysskinsandblister · 01/02/2019 17:06

YOU create happiness. A partner does not

very true! Smile

SwordofGryffindor · 01/02/2019 17:17

I know delboy! We don't need men haha

delboysskinsandblister · 01/02/2019 17:28

It just makes sense not to depend on anyone and when you're happy in yourself and own life then that's when you give off good positive vibes without even thinking about it. Then you share your happiness with that person rather than taking from their 'cup' as it were to fill you up. Same applies if you give all of your cup to another to fill them up, then you are left with nothing.

You said it a lot more succintly than I did Grin

ReanimatedSGB · 01/02/2019 22:22

Oh, don't feel sorry for me, PP. I have known people who do have happy heterosexual longterm relationships, and that's fine, but in general single women are actually happier than married women, despite all the propaganda - and it only takes a few minutes reading threads on here to see just how much shit women are expected to put up with from men just so they can say they are not single.

speakout · 01/02/2019 22:38

in general single women are actually happier than married women,

How do you know this exactly?

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2019 22:44

There's research that says apparently single women are happier than married, while married men are happier than single. I've seen it reported.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/02/2019 23:40

Yup, research shows single women are happier than married women and married men are happier than single men.

How surprising and how strange. It couldn't possibly have anything at all to do with the fact of the deep-rooted cultural understanding that when a man marries, he gets a servant and when a woman marries, she becomes one. Could it?

Men 'help' with domestic work and childcare. If they do more than just wash up the odd teacup/take the kids to the park while Wifey cleans or cooks, then they are 'wonderful'. (More recent studies show that men overestimate the amount of domestic work they do by about 50%) Women are criticised if domestic work doesn't seem to be getting done - even if the man is the SAHP and the woman the wage-earner, if the house looks like shit and the DC are going to school in messy clothes, without their PE kit and not having done their homework, it's her fault...

And, for all of you itching to post your Not My Nigel stories: sure. There are lovely individual men out there. There are men who are SAHPs who acknowledge that the AH parent does proportionately more of the actual housework than the WOHP; there are men who happily support, in emotional and practical terms, the careers of their successful female partners.
But that's set against a background of propaganda and expectations and a whole system designed to benefit men at the expense of women by labelling women as the servant class, the 'power behind the throne'. the 'little woman' etc. And all the propaganda about how awful it is to be a single woman, and how much women 'need' A Man In Their Lives is all about ensuring that men get to own women.
Think about these Incel losers for a minute. Culturally, it's supposed to be the unmarried woman who is desperate, mad, potentially dangerous - yet single women aren't the ones going on murder sprees because they can't get a date.

Grobagsforever · 02/02/2019 08:26

Great post @ReanimatedSGB

Jux · 02/02/2019 10:35

So true, SGB. I know I was a much happier person before I married.

anniehm · 02/02/2019 10:55

You aren't that old! But you are ready for the next stage of life - meet lots of new people and mr right is out there. Things can happen quite fast especially when you are a big older, you do know when they are "the one" quite quickly. Fingers crossed for you, it could be today at the bus stop! My friend met her dp when he gave up his seat for her on the tube so she could sit with her daughter on her lap!

Belenus · 02/02/2019 11:38

So true, SGB. I know I was a much happier person before I married.

I have very mixed feelings about missing out on a marriage and family. I know damn well I'd have had to give up a lot of myself to do it. And it's interesting dating when you're free from the pressure of thinking you might want a family. It's just "No, not good enough, next!" And a quick look through the relationships boards here often makes me glad I've avoided the whole thing. Even the ones who are supposed to be lovely often sound like utter wankstains.

speakout · 02/02/2019 11:48

So you write off half the human race as "utter wankstains"

No chip on your shoulder then.

Santaclarita · 02/02/2019 12:04

You'd have to be at least 60 to even possibly not have a 25th anniversary. Plenty of time left.

You could easily meet someone this year. I didn't think I was ever going to meet anyone after my ex. I rarely go out and socialise. You at least go out a lot and socialise.

You will get the family that you want. Smile Try not to be down that it hasn't happened yet.

Thehop · 02/02/2019 12:06

I met my husband at 36. I’m 40 now and we’re married with a 2 year old.

No, we don’t have a shared past, but building a future with a fully fledged grown up and not having the 20s to navigate is really really bloody great.

Transpeaked · 02/02/2019 12:08

You’ve got plenty of time and honestly the grass isn’t always greener. I married mud twenties and it honestly was the biggest mistake of my life with repercussions that will stay with me for many many years: that was nearly 20 years ago and the man still controls my life thanks to a series of events and one abusive bastard.

Foreverexhausted · 02/02/2019 12:13

I think you've lost perspective OP which I understand.

I split from ex DP at the age of 34 after 14 years together and felt 'too old' to bother with meeting someone/seeing if it goes anywhere/if we both want a future etc and basically 'do it all again'.

Then I met DP (single no kids - I was the same) at 36 and 10 years later we're still together. In those 10 years we've spent a year travelling and had 3 children. We've lived a lot together and have a lot of shared memories and experiences.

Obviously we don't have shared memories from our teenage/20's years but it doesn't matter and we never think about it. Tbh most people I know who met in their late teens/20's (like myself and ex DP) had split by their mid/late 30's.

Belenus · 02/02/2019 12:41

So you write off half the human race as "utter wankstains"

No. Try reading what I put again. There's nothing in it to suppose I think every man out there is like that.

No chip on your shoulder then.

No, not really. I've met my share of bastards. I've been out with men who might be lovely, but just not for me. Currently dating one who I'm thinking/ hoping might break the usual mould and turn out to be really great. There are plenty of lovely men in my life, but I do agree with SGB's most recent post - our society does prioritise male wants over women's needs, often to the detriment of both.

Transpeaked · 02/02/2019 12:50

@ReanimatedSGB - if you have a link to those studies I’d be interested in seeing them because even agencies who should know better and know these things do not, at all, and do believe the men when they claim their ‘useless’ female exes hardly did any housework/childcare etc etc.

Transpeaked · 02/02/2019 12:53

‘even if the man is the SAHP and the woman the wage-earner, if the house looks like shit and the DC are going to school in messy clothes, without their PE kit and not having done their homework, it's her fault...’

Yup. Trust me, OP, you could have ended up with an utter cunt who rewrites history and destroys your life simply because the blame frequently shifts onto the female because of internal biases.

Caucho · 02/02/2019 15:45

I’m afraid you’re just going to have get over it unless you’ve invented a time machine. On thing that came out through my counselling is that’s utterly pointless at best (counter productive at worst) regretting the past as you can’t change it. Present and future is the only thing anyone should concentrate on. Learning from past mistakes is useful but you can’t go back in time unless you’re Marty Mcfly

Ledkr · 02/02/2019 15:50

I got remarried at 41 and we have been together 12 years now.
I see it the opposite way. Things are still fresh and we are very much in love.
We have also had our young years of shagging and travelling etc so can be content and not wonder whta else is out there.