Heartbroken I will never have a 25 year wedding anniversary or a young marriage

[User444441]

My life is fine. I do things I enjoy. I have interests and hobbies and friends.

I haven’t met the right one and at 36 I feel like it’s all over.

I watched my friends marry in their twenties and most are still together now. They have all that to look back on as a couple. Even if I met someone now, we’d barely have a long history to our relationship even if we were lucky enough to have kids.

Life feels so meaningless.

OP I met my OH when I was 37 and pregnant the same year.

Still blissfully happy over 20 years later,

Almost all heterosexual relationships involve the woman giving in to the man and 'pleasing' him so he doesn't run away.

No they don't.

Maybe that is how your relationships work, not mine.

Ahh Sweeping statements!
' Almost all heterosexual relationships involve the woman giving in to the man and 'pleasing' him so he doesn't run away.'

Nope, not me, or anyone I know!

long marriages even ones that work well - have ups & downs - & than more - ups & downs - the idea of a Young Romeo & Juliet who have a deep long lasting passionate love match - is really a bit unrealistic - love & friendship grow not only with time but with maturity. You can feel giddy with a new love affair at 70 I have been told. On the other hand - divorce never - murder frequently is the watchword of any long term successful marriage :)

I met my now dh when both mid forties. Married whilst both fifty and both 60 this year just celebrated ten years. Yes we wish we'd met sooner both married before but we are both still very young for sixty and still very much in love. We see it that some people never meet the 'one' and we are very lucky to have had the time we've had and counting.

I don't think it's too late and also think it's important to remember that you don't have to wait ages and ages before marrying/starting a family when you've met the right person. When you're both in your mid-late 30s it's not like one of you is studying or you're both early in your careers so you have to see how your lives turn out or that the dynamic of your relationship might change. I've know a few people who have met after your age and have just decided to go for it, not 'settling' but knowing they love one another and realising there's no need to be together for years to somehow be more certain it'll work out - you're mature enough and sorted enough in life to know what you want and go for it.

Wishing you happiness, whatever comes your way, OP.

ReanimatedSGB

I am sorry that your experience has soured your view of relationships, it's quite sad to hear.

Everyone is able to have a fulfilling life, no matter whether they are single or in a couple.
But to read . I'd much rather have had my enjoyable single life than wasted years trying to keep some man happy by putting myself second all the time. ?

THis is not the experience of many many - and I guess most women.

The idea that you seem to think this is the default dynamic of a heterosexual relationship is very skewed.

My parents married in their early/ mid 20s and have been married over 50 years. Which might sound great, but actually for various reasons it's been completely shit for my mother. Great for my dad given how much he's leached off her but shit for her and I wish she'd left him years ago.

I wish in some ways I could go back to being 36. It seems so young and has so many possibilities. And for heaven's sake, you could easily have a 40 year anniversary and grandchildren. I have 10 years on you, OP. I think I might, finally, after a very long time on my own have met someone who might turn out to be a long term partner. I cannot know for sure, but it just might work.

I know it can feel really, really shitty. And I know it can feel like you're never going to get there. So have a wallow for a bit, then pick yourself up and keep going.

My dad and stepmum married at age 60. They are VERY much intending to celebrate a 25th anniversary. They're in their late 70s now, and are still enormously loved-up. they have a better chance of hitting their Silver Wedding than I do with my husband (married in early 30s etc etc)

Your life isn’t even half over. You could wait another 36 years before you married and still celebrate your 25th wedding anniversary.

I had a short marriage that was over way before I was 30. After that I had a series of short and fairly dreadful relationships before deciding at 45 that I'd rather stay single.

Then I got chatting online (interest group, not a dating site) just before my 50th birthday. We were both quite content with our single status and not wanting a relationship. We met for a day out and the world turned upside down. Love at first sight for both of us. Hit us like a tidal wave.

It took us a long time to get round to getting married - but after living together for 11 years we decided it was time! We're just coming up for the 6th wedding anniversary and the 18th anniversary of meeting. We celebrate them both and hope to have a 25th wedding anniversary - sure we'll be in our 80s for that one but we only have 7 years to go to the 25 years of the relationship neither of us thought was ever going to happen.

It's never too late and as far as I'm concerned it was worth every day of the wait!

When I was your age I came to realise that marriage and the dream happy ever after was not going to happen for me. Too much trouble in my early years meant that something in me meant that finding romantic love was just not going to happen for me.

I accepted that, mourned it and made a plan based on what I could accept and what not. Don't get me wrong, the mourning was hard. I spent weeks under the duvet unable to get out from underneath. Marriage and successful long term relationships don't happen to everyone.

My conclusion from my time under the duvet was that I could be happy outside of a relationship but I could not accept not having children. So, I found a way to have a child that worked for me.
I am blissfully happy now. Still no romantic love but I have a family and we are happy and successful.

Its ok to grieve and accept that it might never happen for you. I suggest you take some time out to think about whether you can come to terms with never having children and if not that you figure out a way to make it work for you.

Almost all heterosexual relationships involve the woman giving in to the man and 'pleasing' him so he doesn't run away

I’m so sorry that you’ve only experienced that type of man. Maybe I was lucky, but that was not my experience of my dear husband. He was my rock, not my chain.

However, the man I was with previously definitely fitted your experience of men, as did the men in my birth family.

I truly miss my husband, but I have to say, I couldn’t be bothered getting into another relationship (I’m 50), as I have a busy life.

You can’t have it all your own way! You’ve done travelling, having fun, etc. You can’t do everything at once. You’re still young.

Your life expectancy is about 86, so you have potentially 48 years with someone - more than enough time to get bored! 😂😂

Be positive, op...

Remember that it's quality not quantity. You may meet Mr Right tomorrow. You may not meet him until you're 50. But however many years you have together they will be GOOD years and that's what's really important.

I was 33 when I met my husband
We met , married and had the 12 week scan of our first baby within 12 months
Meeting someone when you’re a bit older means you just get on with it and don’t waste time , there’ll be no long engagement or saving up for a big wedding
Silver wedding for us in June

I'm approaching 20 years married not yet 40, I married the person I wanted in my 20s,its not who I'd choose now.

So many touching tales on here.

Xx

I agree with everyone else that you've plenty of time.

FWIW, I briefly shared a house with someone who believed she was 'too old' at your age and expended a huge amount of energy on saying how unfair and sad it was that she'd missed out on everything. You don't want to get into the way of doing this too much, I think, because the result was everyone thought she was much older than she was, and she made herself very unapproachable to anyone interested.

OL this was me. I decided at 36 to have a baby on my own, I knew I would never meet the right man. I still know I won't.

I'm 42, my DC is amazing and I've never been happier.

I understand

I met my Dh when I was 36. Married a year later and have 2 Dc. It wasn't what I had planned .. but plans change!

The other side is always greener... there will be lots of people envying you your travelling, and lifestyle.

OP, I thought I'd met the love of my life at 20. Turned out he was an immature, cheating bastard like many others. I regret wasting so many years with him, and often wish I were unencumbered by the responsibilities those years created, so I could easily start over with a more mature specimen, who had already played the field etc earlier in life and therefore may be ready for an actual honest relationship going on into the future without all that crap.I know that won't happen, and I envy you in that regard. Also the fact that at your age you haven't had your body ruined by DC, developed bad habits/no exercise, no/low paid job and poor career prospects etc caused by putting the rest of the family first. You have a lot to be happy about!

I had a four year relationship during Uni, anyway we split (going in different directions etc).

Met a guy who I went to secondary with at 22, a lot of lust but not a lot of love. I was so naive, we were only together for 6 months and stupidly decided to elope on holiday. Totally incompatible and we split after 18 months as he was a workaholic so I ended up having a brief affair..divorced at 25.

After that I stayed single for 4 years. Before at 29 met a guy and I decided to follow him back to his home country, 18 months in I unexpectedly got pregnant and got engaged (thank fuck I did not get married). Split when DD was 3 and returned to the uk when she was 5.

Single for several years (couple of failed flings), met a lovely guy 5 years ago, not living together for various reasons but are very happy. Yeah it would be nice to have the big anniversaries, but I am grateful for what I have.

I married at 38, had dd at 41. I've been married over 20years now, dd is 19. 60 year olds are so different from 60 years olds I rememberr frommy childhood- they w old ladies, grey haired, wrinkled, bent and bowed.

These days, 60+ yos are so youthful! They oftenhave the leisure and the money to really enjoy the world. The people across the road fromus,forinstance, seem to spend every weekend on mammoth bike rides with a group of around 10 others; my cousins jet off here there and everywhe, for weekends, short breaks just for fun.

Plenty of time for you tohave the life you want.