Is Dp being unreasonable? Male friends spending the night.

[GirlOnIt]

I've got a very good male friends known him since primary school. He lives in a different city now but we keep in touch via text calls and meet up every couple of months. Dp's met him, they don't really get on and they had a disagreement once over something my friend said, both drunk and all a bit silly but I took Dp's side in it. Other than that no problems and Dp trusts me that there's nothing between us. Which there absolutely isn't, never has been.

Trying not to make it too long! But friend is supposed to be staying at our house this weekend and Dp was kinda ok with that. Although I admit I arranged it and kinda asked/told him afterwards.
Now Dp needs to be away with work one of the days/nights and he said he doesn't want my friend staying that night. He's adamant he trusts me completely and he knows I've got plans with the friend and others through the day and that's fine. But he's not ok with him spending the night if he isn't here as well.

I'm a bit confused, because he's stayed at my house when I lived at home and Dp never said anything and I've stayed at his although with other friends too. I think it's unreasonable to say he can't stay now but Dp is really unhappy about it and I'm trying to be understanding of that.
I can't imagine it the other way as Dp doesn't have such a close female friend so trying to imagine how I'd feel if it was the other way isn't working.
Baby Ds will be home with me too and coming on the meet up, so I'm not getting drunk or anything. Not that anything's happened when we have been drunk so that doesn't really matter, just trying to give the full picture.

Got back and friend said "did you have to pretend I was your bf so he'd leave you alone" Dp said "or she just said I am" words to that effect anyway. Friend then said something like "she needs it to be believable though" implying men wouldn't think I was really going out with Dp but would my friend.

Fk, I know some people esp. men go in for harsh banter but I find that really derogatory and procacative.

If a man's female friend said that to his wife/gf there'd be a unholy cat fight and the relationship would probably end if the husband didn't cut off the female friend.

I'm actually impressed (?) your hub continued being friendly to him and having him to stay etc.

Asife from that yeah it sounds more like s territory thing than a trust thing, but that's still a nasty undercurrent from your 'friend'.

Your friend doesn't sound very respectful of your DP or your relationship.

I would be taking my partners' feelings into consideration here.

I'm really laid back but there is no way in he'll I would have my DP spend the night alone with a female friend, no matter how long they've known each other, and even without the falling out.
Also, think about it. If your friend did stay and decided to wind your OH up saying you'd slept together, how much grief is that going to cause? He may just say it in jest but it would eat away at your OH ridiculously.

And yes, mumsnet double standards at play here, but for the record, I wouldn't mind about my OH going for lunch with a female at all, bit alone overnight? Not a scoobies

Hmmm I’m kind of with your DP here - that comment your friend made on the night out really wasn’t great. Imagine the situation was reversed, how would you feel? Your friend seems a bit of a shitstirrer. Maybe nothing has happened between you and from your perspective never would, but do you suspect your friend has any feelings for you? Could be what DP is picking up on. I would pick DP over troublemaker friend.

Typical one sided 'bullshit' from TooGoodToBeTrue - "Demand", "Ridiculous".

If you can give me a clue what your actual point is I'll try and address it. I'm guessing you weren't a leading light in your university's debating society.

She didn't even tell her Dp until after she had invited "her friend" - yet he's an arse.

She did tell him. She told him after she had made the arrangement, but she still told him. Are you suggesting she should have asked his permission to invite her friend to her own home?

Are you suggesting she should have asked his permission to invite her friend to her own home?

With all due respect, I’d ask DH before I invited my own family to stay at our home. I’d have no doubt he’d say ‘of course’, but I’d still ask out of courtesy. I’d also expect the same of him.
Neither of us would expect the other to accommodate guests without at least mentioning it, before the invite was put out...

unless of course the house is only in op’s name and her DH himself is nothing but a guest.

In slight defence of my friend that incident was back when me and Dp were first going out and it was the first time they'd properly met. Dp spent most of the evening making a point of the fact I was his gf, which he admitted was for my friends benefit. My friend said he meant the comment ironically as in how could someone not believe I was his gf with the way he was acting not in comparison to him.

My Dp's much better looking, well in my opinion he is

I didn't believe his version of what he said. I think my Dp was right and he was having a dig or trying to. But I think it was because Dp was being a bit full on with the she's my gf routine and my friend (who I'd not seen for a while, he'd been travelling) was feeling pushed out.
I took Dp's side and said if he made comments like that again I'd have to rethink our friendship. Dp realised from that I was serious about him and my friend did too. He's always been supportive of our relationship since. The competition between them now is more general not about me.

I'm guessing you weren't a leading light in your university's debating society.

I was actually the Chairman so your guess is again based on your own arrogance.

She didn't even tell her Dp until after she had invited "her friend"

This was a fact as the Op stated to which you replied -

She did tell him. She told him after she had made the arrangement.

Lol - that's what I had already said.

Oh dear! - it's clear that it's you who wasn't a leading light in your university's debating society.

And that's not a guess - it's clearly fact.

I would be very cautious with this decision OP. You could have your friend stay over and all goes well, or he stays over and for some reason the shit hits the fan and it ultimately kills the relationship with DP. Is it really worth it, just have him stay somewhere else.

Hes being an arse and it is controlling. I bet he does trust you not to cheat... it's just the insult to his masculinity that it might seem like there is the possibility you could cheat to an outside viewer. It really is make entitlement.
I have Male friends whom I've known since childhood that I have stayed at the house of and vice versa.. my husband has long term female friends he has stayed with.

So yes, male pride thing! Although my friend can be a dick and might tease him about it too

They are more alike than they think.

Do you have a mutual female friend from way back when you were at Primary you could invite to stay over too? Would that help?

Your friend sounds like a knob OP.

It doesn't matter the reason, your bloke isn't happy and you should respect that. So no he shouldn't stay while he's away just as you would expect it from him. You might think you would be the cool wife in a reverse situation but I doubt you would if he had a female friend who tried to make you feel small.

Are you suggesting she should have asked his permission to invite her friend to her own home?

It's not about permission, it's about being respectful to the other person you live with!

I would absolutely expect DH to speak to me before inviting people into our home for the night, just as I would do the same to him. It's just a nice thing to do, isn't it?

I mean, I know I wouldn't appreciate getting home from work and wanting to relax to find that we had an overnight guest. It's just common courtesy to ask the other person who lives in the house too!

Just to clarify, if spoke to my friend and said "oh stay with us" then told Dp that night. That was a few weeks ago. The change was only because he's gone away today for work and he'll be staying away tonight. I did say now I know, I won't offer for him to stay again. But I think it's too short notice to now say no you can't stay. Dp said do what you want.

Didn't really get to talk to Dp again as he had to set off really early and so went to bed. He's text this morning to say he'll come home after work now, which will mean not getting in till 2/3am having left the house at 3 am this morning.

It's not about permission, it's about being respectful to the other person you live with!

That works both ways. If my wife is on the phone to a friend/relative and they are talking about arranging a visit I would never expect her to say "let me check it's OK with DH first". If when she subsequently told me and there were legitimate reasons why it wasn't suitable we would rearrange. Me not being keen on her friend/relative is not a reason for it to be unsuitable. The OP told her partner in plenty if time to reschedule if there was a conflict with other commitments. There is no conflict, he's just being arsey.

Respect is not the same as subservience.

Male perspective if I may. Your friend sounds a bit of a knob, your partner needs to trust you, and you need to remember that your partner's insecurities are based at least partly on evidence.

that incident was back when me and DP were first going out and it was the first time they'd properly met

In that case, drunk or not, surely that's hardly the time for the friend to suggest he's a more credible DP than your own? Of course he'd insist "I didn't mean it like that" when caught out, but the damage was done and I can hardly blame your DP for remembering an obvious red flag

Ask yourself very honestly if you'd be happy with a female friend staying over with DP in exactly the same circumstances ... and even if you would be, doesn't DP deserve to have his feelings considered too?

Your dp is being a controlling twatbag

Don't give in to him on this, next he won't want you to see your friends without him, or at all. Slippery slope

We have a few basic ground rules in our marriage..No one goes out and stays out all night. Bars close at 1am here and when you have a dh/dw and dcs at home, you don't need to be running about in the middle of the.night. I wouldn't stay alone overnight with another man and same with my dh and a women. And we wouldnt have people to stay in our home unless we both agree to it. People may not agree, it's just respect for each other and out marriage. I can totally see why you dp isn't comfortable. Friend was a twat, although you don't seem to agree with that. I woyldnt be having him to stay out of respect of my dh and I would expect that to work both ways.

I think my dh would be pleased I had company while he was away for the night tbh.

And he certainly wouldn't be doing any mad arriving home at 2 am because I had a longstanding male friend sleeping over, in a separate room with our baby in the house. He'd do a mad drive home in the middle of the night because he wanted to be home with us, not because he didn't trust me.

I think if I had a friend my DH did not like and never had, then it would make things very awkward.

However, given the other thread you are setting a precedent here you might regret.

Although my friend can be a dick and might tease him about it too

Well that's not ok is it, particularly since you have since described the other stuff

Be honest here, have you sometimes quietly rather enjoyed the thinly veiled male antler butting over your fair hand ?

Your friend is a wind up merchant and I don't think your dp is worried you will fuck him. I can see why he is pissed off though.

I wouldn't expect my husband to give a proven mixer so much opportunity to cause discord in my marriage so I can see your dp's point

To be honest, I can almost see DP's point because your friend has clearly been a dick to him in the past. However, I think it would be extremely rude to cancel your friend staying over at short notice because your DP is suddenly unhappy. I appreciate it's just circumstances and that when the subject originally came up, he didn't know he would be away and therefore couldn't say that he thought it would be inappropriate. However, to cancel at the last minute would just make your DP look a bit silly to your firiend and, I suspect, increase the tension between them.