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Original poster

Is Dp being unreasonable? Male friends spending the night.

89 replies

GirlOnIt · 31/01/2019 18:41

I've got a very good male friends known him since primary school. He lives in a different city now but we keep in touch via text calls and meet up every couple of months. Dp's met him, they don't really get on and they had a disagreement once over something my friend said, both drunk and all a bit silly but I took Dp's side in it. Other than that no problems and Dp trusts me that there's nothing between us. Which there absolutely isn't, never has been.

Trying not to make it too long! But friend is supposed to be staying at our house this weekend and Dp was kinda ok with that. Although I admit I arranged it and kinda asked/told him afterwards.
Now Dp needs to be away with work one of the days/nights and he said he doesn't want my friend staying that night. He's adamant he trusts me completely and he knows I've got plans with the friend and others through the day and that's fine. But he's not ok with him spending the night if he isn't here as well.

I'm a bit confused, because he's stayed at my house when I lived at home and Dp never said anything and I've stayed at his although with other friends too. I think it's unreasonable to say he can't stay now but Dp is really unhappy about it and I'm trying to be understanding of that.
I can't imagine it the other way as Dp doesn't have such a close female friend so trying to imagine how I'd feel if it was the other way isn't working.
Baby Ds will be home with me too and coming on the meet up, so I'm not getting drunk or anything. Not that anything's happened when we have been drunk so that doesn't really matter, just trying to give the full picture.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 31/01/2019 19:49

From past experience of MN, the advice would be very different with a female friend staying over with a male DP, no matter how long standing their friendship.

lovelycuppateas · 31/01/2019 19:57

But why shouldn't advice be different if the situation is different? And why shouldn't advice be different for me and women? I just don't get this pretend equality thing at all - men are much more likely to be unfaithful than women.

OP - I'd suggest you spend some time reassuring your husband and showing him that his feelings matter to you. However, he doesn't get to say your friends can't stay over.

Changedname3456 · 31/01/2019 20:07

“Men are much more likely to be unfaithful than women.”

That’s a complete load of bollocks. It’s about on a par between the sexes and female infidelity has been edging up as a greater proportion of women reach more senior levels at work.

And look at the number of biologically unrelated children brought up by “Dads” who have no clue (anywhere between 3-15% depending on whose stats you take).

IMO women are better able to conceal affairs than a lot of men.

ValiaH · 31/01/2019 20:09

My opinion is I wouldn't want to be in my house overnight without my husband, with a male friend, without another female present. Not because I don't trust my male friend or because my husband doesn't but so that there would be no question in anyones mind of anything untoward. It would be different if I was single. I see it as respecting my marriage and my husband, and would expect the same from him. (He would do the same). I have shared hotel rooms with a group of married friends both male and female since being married but that was as a group so different as there were a few of us in the room.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/01/2019 20:10

No i guess people do cheat with old friends, new friends, people they've just met Hopoindown. How may partners cheat while working away I wonder, yet Dp will be working away and I don't think he'll be cheating on me.
Dp doesn't think our friendship is inappropriate or crosses a line, he doesn't think we message too much or anything like that. It's really just this one night that he's now saying he doesn't want him staying as Dp will no longer be at home.

OP posts:
Bakingberry · 31/01/2019 20:12

I think it's fair enough that he doesn't want someone who he doesn't like that much, and had a previous argument with, staying over night with his partner.

Crunched · 31/01/2019 20:17

I know it is irrational but, though I am very happy with DH meeting female friends for coffee/ lunch, I would feel quite differently about them staying over if I wasn’t there. I totally trust my DH so I’m not sure why I would feel like this.
It's bothering him. He is generally otherwise reasonable, so why not respect him enough to accept that his feelings matter. I would go along with this poster.

pictish · 31/01/2019 20:19

Honestly I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head when she mentioned ‘King of the Castle’.

I don’t think he’s worried that anything untoward will happen between you two. I think he’s disturbed by the idea that he won’t be there to oversee proceedings in ‘his’ house. He won’t be there to assert his authority (however mildly) and let your friend know that he’s only allowed to stay on his good will. If he’s not there, your friend will think of it as your house, ergo your dp is of no import and the opportunity to apply a little one-upmanship is lost.

Does that makes sense? I could be way off the mark of course.

Raspberry88 · 31/01/2019 20:20

EvaHarknessRose

Hmm, I agree. Maybe I'm wrong to think like that but it's not something I would be too comfortable with.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/01/2019 20:27

No I think you're very much on the mark pictish.
What do I do if it's that though? Just tell Dp it's tough he's staying or tell my friend he's to find somewhere else?

OP posts:
pictish · 31/01/2019 20:38

Dunno...depends what they disagreed about and who the dick was.

So who was the dick...dp or df?

mindutopia · 31/01/2019 20:49

My dh has female friends that he’s close to from uni days. I wouldn’t think it was all weird for them to stay over while I was away. They’re perfectly nice and respectable. Now some random girl he met 3 months ago, no, that would be weird. But old friends, seems fine.

DBML · 31/01/2019 20:52

Sorry, but if your husband is not comfortable I’d find somewhere else for your friend to stay.
There’s a thread where the op’s husband wants to meet a female friend on their own and the general consensus is that it’s unreasonable.
I personally wouldn’t have a male friend to stay over without DH here, and certainly if I hadn’t even bothered to ask him first.

Just my opinion though.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/01/2019 20:54

Combined with everything else this is probably very outing. But they argued because we were out on a night out, all quite drunk. I'd been to the toilets and was walking back to them when a guy stopped me and tried chatting me up. I said I'm with my bf and pointed over to where they were stood. Got back and friend said "did you have to pretend I was your bf so he'd leave you alone" Dp said "or she just said I am" words to that effect anyway. Friend then said something like "she needs it to be believable though" implying men wouldn't think I was really going out with Dp but would my friend.
It was four years ago, they were both drunk and my friend said it was only a joke and not meant like Dp took it. But they've always had a bit of competition and both have had dickhead moments since.

OP posts:
crestar · 31/01/2019 20:56

Typical one sided 'bullshit' from TooGoodToBeTrue - "Demand", "Ridiculous".

She didn't even tell her Dp until after she had invited "her friend" - yet he's an arse.

Pull your own head out of yours TGTBT.

DBML · 31/01/2019 20:58

Your friend sounds like a dick. I don’t blame your husband.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/01/2019 20:58

If he hadn't been ok with it from the start, or he expressed concern over our friendship, I'd do my best to reassure him and if that meant stepping back on my friendship then so be it. But he's been ok before and he was ok with him staying when he was going to be here. So now I'll be saying to my friend no you can't stay tomorrow now after all. Which seems unfair for no good reason.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/01/2019 20:59

That was very twattish of your friend. It was never intended to be funny, your DP was never going to find it funny. It was that type of vague insipid cattiness that undermines people.

That aside, I'm with this person too:

It's bothering him. He is generally otherwise reasonable, so why not respect him enough to accept that his feelings matter.

You've said yourself they wind each other. Friend winds your DP up on purpose and you can still see him in the day. I'd let this one go. I think you're asking a lot of your DP to socialise with him anyway, given that he doesn't sound like he's very nice. You can only behave like a competitive big brother if you have a friendship first.

Dissimilitude · 31/01/2019 21:06

I don’t think many men would be ok with this, to be honest. Particularly after the incident you describe.

Imagine your DP having someone to stay who’d basically insinuated they were better looking than you are (and a better match for your hubby) whilst you’re not there?

Hopoindown31 · 31/01/2019 21:19

Hi OP

After the incident you've described I'm even more with your DP on this. I'm pretty sure most men would see this as a direct threat to their relationship tbh. I suspect he has been biting his tongue while you have been living apart but he is puting his foot down under his own roof.

ErickBroch · 31/01/2019 21:32

My DP has close female friends since Uni, he always stays round with a group etc but it would make it different for me if he was staying with one of them just them two. I am not saying that's right, but I would feel that way, it'd make me uncomfortable.

Pickled0nion · 31/01/2019 21:38

After that "joke" I can see why they might not get on. I wonder what "funny" jokes your friend might make to your DP about your sleep over? In your DP's shoes I'd feel the same as he does.

DBML · 31/01/2019 21:41

It’s simple op. You say to your friend that unfortunately as DH is away, he won’t be able to stay. Can you ask your parents or someone else to put him up? Or look for a cheap Premiere Inn or something? If he’s as good a friend as you say, he’ll completely understand.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2019 21:42

You need to respect your DP and his feelings. Your friend clearly doesn't and he was out of order with what he said to your DP.

The alcohol is an excuse. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Are you going to tell me you'd want a female friend of your DHs staying over if she implied you weren't good looking enough for him and she was? Common.

pictish · 31/01/2019 21:43

Well ok. On the face of it it’s a trivial gripe...but it looks like something in it set the tone.

Imagine the same scenario in which you feel you were slighted by your dp’s female friend. She makes a jokey but disparaging remark about you punching above your weight with dp. You take it to heart and become wary of her.
How do you feel about her kicking back with your dp in your house while you’re at work and out of the picture?
There’s no right answer here. Maybe you’re alright with it and that’s fine. Maybe it needles you.

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