Inheritance. Legal v Moral.

[headinhands]

This issue comes up from time to time and it's fascinating to watch the divide.

Sometimes an inheritance, while perfectly legal is viewed by some as not fair. For example, imagine my dad wrote his will several years ago. At that time my brother had a mortgage and I was renting.

He says in the will that any estate pays off the brothers mortgage first and then what's left is divided between me and my brother. Imagine my father dies but a year before I secured a mortgage. Now legally my brother can let it stand and allow his mortgage to be paid off with potentially nothing being left over. But is that fair in the colloquial sense? I'm fascinated by people who see it as black and white.

I'd like to understand the reasoning of people who see it as simply legal and don't get tied up with the potential familial issues.

OP - have you ever actually been through the probate and distribution of inheritance process?
The reason people see it as "simply legal" is because it IS!

If you're the executor and beneficiary of a will you can't simply decide to pay someone else more from your share, you would have to take your rightful inheritance and then "gift" it to them. There are potential tax implications to this.

"Fair" is a subjective and relative concept. It does not automatically mean equal.

There are so many factors which may influence what appears fair/unfair within a family:

• money already given to one family member during a lifetime
• inclusion of grandchildren/ step children in will
• remarriage and a second spouse
• so-called promises made during a lifetime

When my father died I had terrible problems with my brother who argued it wasn't fair that my children (the only grandchildren) were included in DF's will and that he, my brother, hadn't been given a house which allegedly he'd "been promised".

In reality, I know that my DF spilt the will the way he did because he believed he had already given my brother more than his share of any inheritance as he'd been given a large deposit for a flat (which he never paid back) and then DF let my brother live rent-free in a family house when my brother failed to keep up repayments and had to sell his house.

I could reasonably have argued that it was unfair that my brother still got 25% of the final estate (but I didn't).

It's popular on MN to have black & white thinking about this.

I don't feel less loved by my dad that his will won't be fair to me (imho), but I don't understand how he can think I'm getting a fair deal. I can manage fine but I feel disappointed for DC, inheritance could make big differences to their lives.

The part I am sympathetic about (with my dad, I mean) it is that he didn't inherit 'fairly' from his parents, either. One brother (& his adult kids & grandkids) got 90% of the estate from his bio-dad, for instance. Plus I think it's impossible to fair, anyway. Parents do the best they can at a time so if they are rich while young, the older kids do better & if poor when last kids are born then the last kids do worse. Or one kid might have needs that mean spending a lot of money to help them (never spent on others).

I don't know many people who feel they got a truly fair deal from their parents' wealth (or love, & other things, really) ... that's just how life is, really.

I think it’s very wrong to just pay off one child’s mortgage at the expense of another / and hurtful too! Matters of inheritance can be so horribly divisive in families - and come at a time when people are grieving. It can fracture relationships dreadfully.
That’s why I would only ever divide my estate equally between children. The only exception would be if one had been very fortunate and had a very secure future and the other was not so fortunate- in which case I would discuss with everyone concerned.

It’s really important to EXPLAIN your decisions, as you can’t when you’ve gone.

That said - I doubt I’ll outlive my DW - so she’ll have to decide...and my guess is she will have spent most of it on a long fantastic holiday - sorry girls!

See this is why I want mine to be left 50/50 between my 2 kids, no matter if one is richer or poorer and I would hope they found it fair.

It’s all legal and as pp have said, the wishes of the dead are just that. I personally would not set a will that was ‘unfair’ but if one dc was absolutely struggling I would discuss leaving them more than the other and hope I’ve raised them that they would help each other out if necessary.

My mum has told me she’s leaving my sister who earns 4x what I earn and has more assets than me plus no dc everything because my sister isn’t married (my sister chooses not to marry), my very old fashioned mother thinks this is ok even though I told her I want a divorce and I would be left with hardly anything and don’t earn a lot (have seen solicitor). She said but think how is an unmarried woman going to be ok. Tbh it was helpful to know because now I expect nothing. And don’t really talk to my mum now but that’s not the only reason.

OP using your example of brother and mortgage

thing is, I would assume that the father was of sound mind when making the will and actually wanted the bulk of the money to go to the brother

because otherwise it would be a crazy arrangement to make, surely? Are you saying the father made it without thinking his daughter might one day get a mortgage?!

@fluffyhamster
A deed of variation allows a beneficiary to give their inheritance to someone else entirely
www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/inheritance/deed-of-variation-changing-a-will-after-death

Or you can just gift it of course once you get it

Some people are just not very nice. That extends beyond death. Some people are a bit dim, again, wills sometimes reflect this. No need for the living to prolong the stupidity or spite.

My DP split their assets between their grandchildren - my DB and I have the same number of DC, so no issue. It was the right thing to do, although DM lived with us for many years, and her care became my responsibility. We knew they loved us equally.

PIL told us some years ago that one SIL had told them not to leave anything to DH as he didn't need it, nor to the other SIL, as they weren't in contact. Subtext - leave it all to MEEE!!! PIL were determined that it should be split equally between their 3 DC. Now there is only MIL left, and despite her suffering from dementia, I suspect a Will has been re-written. DH doesn't care - he knows what the intention was when his parents were of sound mind - and he can sleep at night.

I smiled when I heard that Chris Evans' Mum had split her assets equally between her 3 (?) DC.

and actually wanted the bulk of the money to go to the brother

Yes you'd have to agree that's what he would want in that scenario. But if you were the brother. Would you feel comfortable? If there had been no family issue between the dp and the dc?

If there had been no family issue, I'd be baffled and have to share I think.

I don't feel my siblings and I were treated fairly by my late DF, he left it all to my step mother who I only have Christmas card contact with, she came in to the relationship with nothing 12 months after my DM passed away. My DM would be mortified that her money didn't pass to her children. Apparently it's in a trust and we will get a 1/6 share with step brothers & sisters when step mother dies, that's if she doesn't change it and leave only to her 3 kids. That's life I suppose, never expect and any things a bonus.

Me too @Grace212 but that's what's so fascinating. It seems logical to us, but not to so many. Baffling.

I don't feel my siblings and I were treated fairly by my late DF, he left it all to my step mother

I guess at least you and all your siblings got the same, as in nothing.

Isn't it the norm that a spouses asserts go to the surviving spouse.

@TearingUpMyHeart - yes you can alter with a deed of variation, but ONLY if all the beneficiaries agree, and if some of the beneficiaries are minors a trustee can't alter their share of the inheritance.

So in my case, my brother believed it would only be 'fair' if I gave him all my share of the inheritance to "balance things up" as in his words "my family was getting half" - this was despite the fact that I'd had to give up my job to look after and care for our DF in the last three years of his life. My brother didn't seem to understand that my children were, in fact, different people to me, and individuals in their own right who my DF had specifically included in the will.

Thoughtful parents think about whether leaving all their assets to their spouse will result in their biological children being disinherited in favour of the spouses own biological family. Imo.

My brother didn't seem to understand that my children were, in fact, different people to me,

Is that a usual way of doing it? I would leave a token amount to dgc then split the share equally between dc.

Thoughtful parents think about whether leaving all their assets to their spouse will result in their biological children being disinherited in favour of the spouses own biological family. Imo.

And thoughtful step parents would also not split unfairly favouring their own dc.

Yes, but you can't guarantee that ... once you are dead. Whereas you can leave your house to your kids with the spouse having a right to live in it til remarriage/death for instance.
So many threads on here where children were disinherited by stepparents.

Wills are such a divisive issue. I only have 1 DS but I think I'd need a really good reason not to split my assets equally.

Is that a usual way of doing it? I would leave a token amount to dgc then split the share equally between dc.

There are no usual ways of doing it. In larger estates people often choose to skip a generation and leave more in trust for grandchildren because they may feel their own children don't need it (if they already own their own houses and have well-paid jobs for example) and future generations are going to have a harder time to get on the housing ladder/pay for education etc.
Sometimes it skips a generation to grandchildren because a parent wants to ensure it goes to a blood relative and not end up going to a second spouse/step-parent and their family instead.

Giving well-off sons and daughters big lump sums of inheritance can also create further problems down the line with their own inheritance tax thresholds.

My will leaves everything to my 2 children 50/50. I have power of attorney for child A, when I die, child B will have power of attorney for child A. They are both adults. Child B has a great moral compass, I’m pretty confident money won’t change her. All of child A’s share will be placed in a trust. I’m a lawyer and this is the basics it’s much more detailed on paper.