Inheritance. Legal v Moral.

[headinhands]

This issue comes up from time to time and it's fascinating to watch the divide.

Sometimes an inheritance, while perfectly legal is viewed by some as not fair. For example, imagine my dad wrote his will several years ago. At that time my brother had a mortgage and I was renting.

He says in the will that any estate pays off the brothers mortgage first and then what's left is divided between me and my brother. Imagine my father dies but a year before I secured a mortgage. Now legally my brother can let it stand and allow his mortgage to be paid off with potentially nothing being left over. But is that fair in the colloquial sense? I'm fascinated by people who see it as black and white.

I'd like to understand the reasoning of people who see it as simply legal and don't get tied up with the potential familial issues.

Good for you. That doesn't mean you can expect other people to do what you would do and if they don't "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!".

I'm interested in the reasoning of people who wouldn't see it the same way beyond citing 'it's the law' etc. It's fascinating.

Then I'd probably be inclined to even it out with my sibling. Wouldn't most people see that as fair

Would you have also expected B to share out their winnings with their parent and A, 33.3% each?

Yeah I get that. But also you could argue that if I was the brother the father would have to accept that me sorting it so that me and my brother gained the same would be me following your above statement. It would be me doing what I liked. And I guess I find it hard to understand that not doing what you could to be fair would be doing 'what you liked'.

And that would be absolutely fine. Because the deceased’s wishes were carried out, and then you or your brother would be choosing to do what you wanted with the money left to you. Deciding to share some of your inheritance with a sibling is quite separate to expecting someone to bequeath their estate according to someone else’s perception of fairness.

It's not your money to do as you wish with and redistribute as you see fit contrary to the deceased's wishes

But in reality I wouldn't find 'it's what my dad wanted' comforting enough when I now own my own home and inherited 8 times as much as my sibling.

And I would feel it was my money to do as I see fit once the will had been followed to the letter.

It’s not equal, but it’s quite possibly fair depending on the nature of the relationship you have and the support you provide.

I stand to inherit probably about 60% of my stepfather’s estate when he dies. He has two biological daughters who will split the remaining 40% (so 20% each). It’s equal, and though I dread having to deal with it when he and my mum one day pass away, it’s realistically probably fair.

I provide all the emotional support and one day will be the one who handles all their care. One of my ‘stepsisters’ (I’ve never met them, despite my mum and SD being together nearly 15 years now!) only ever speaks to her dad on the phone about once a month. The other one hasn’t talked to him in years. He’s never met his grandchildren and his only ‘grandchildren’ are mine. They just aren’t close and though adults at the time took their parents divorce hard (nothing untoward, just grew apart and were unhappy). They also had a hard time with him remarrying (though didn’t meet my mum for probably 3 years after his divorce). So I am inadvertently the ‘favourite’ child. It’s not equal, but it’s probably fair and ‘moral’ given the nature of their relationship.

Anyway, your idea of fair is very particular to your circumstance.

Some people don't think that it is fair that wealth can be inherited at all. Some think it's not fair because it solidifies inequalty. Some don't think it's fair because this unearned wealth has no relation to how hard that you have worked.

And what would you say to them? Because I'd say, yes, life isn't fair.

My grandmother left a will that would seem extremely unfair BUT she explained to me a few years before she died what she wrote in her will and why.

She left the bulk of her estate to my uncle (@500k which included her house), a large bequest to my mother (@50k), equal amounts to myself and my siblings, then 5k to each of her great grandchildren (named them in the will) with one great grandchild getting twice the amount as the great grandchildren.

The huge disparity between my uncle and my mother was because my uncle suffered a brain injury in his early 20’s. He can’t hold a job as he can’t concentrate on tasksnor do two things at once (think tinging up st a till and being asked a question, sitting at an office job doing work then get interrupted by a phone call). He also suffers debilitating depression and is hospitalised from time to time for his mental health. He’s incapable of maintaining relationships as his behaviour is erratic, appears very selfish and rude. My mother is married to my father for many, many years and has a good relationship with him, both have great pensions, own two homes outright etc. Grandmother wanted to ensure there would be funds to care for uncle throughout his life as she knew there’d be no one to care for him, be it emotionally, physically, mentally. She specifically asked me to ensure if there were any issues about these bequests, attempts to challenge her will, that I’d be sure to fight to have her wishes upheld.

As for the unequal split to great grandchildren, it was because one was born many, many years before the others to then very young single mother and no means of providing funds for university or other financial help possible from parent. Others were much more financially sound, started university funds for their children etc. My grandmother loved all equally but knew this one child would not have same financial advantages as the others.

So the will seemed very unfair but to my grandmother, she had, to her, valid reasons for doing so.

And I would feel it was my money to do as I see fit once the will had been followed to the letter.

Well, I see your point of view and I have done the same once a will has been executed. But you can't compell others to do the same.

Would you have also expected B to share out their winnings with their parent and A, 33.3% each?

Probably not 33.3%. But would want them to benefit to in some way. I guess this reveals the root. The idea of a parent leaving hurt for one or more siblings. And that's without the effect on the lasting relationships between them.

But you can't compell others to do the same

I've worked that out some time ago. What I'm interested in is those who see it black and white.

I stand to inherit probably about 60% of my stepfather’s estate when he dies. He has two biological daughters who will split the remaining 40% (so 20% each). It’s equal, and though I dread having to deal with it when he and my mum one day pass away, it’s realistically probably fair.

If he dies first it goes to mum unless he's made a will. In which case how could he release funds if mum is still in house/in care?

Hmm. Not sure I'd be happy with that if I was you but guess this is why we have the thread in the first case. Trying to understand a different opinion.

I had to see a family member go nc with me and my sibling. All over the fact they were written out of a will.
We were both going to give the family member some money but before we could they went nc and said didn't want to know me and sibling.
I was the deceased POA for medical and social welfare because they were scared they would lose their capacity.
I had to follow the will and the mh suggestions for the deceased.
I couldn't have slept if I hadn't, and as an executor to the will I had to follow it.
have never spoken to this person in 10 years and I miss them terribly.
More info and help should be given to those making wills. it isn't always fair and I'm sure the deceased never wants divisions in the family.

I equalised an inheritance with my brother a few years ago. It wasn't massive money, but it meant he could do the masters he needed for his career and made a massive difference to his life.

So my dad has left all his money to one of his three DC. The other 2 get nothing. This has been done so that the nasty behaviour he's enjoyed all his life continues after his death. I think he is hoping we will fall out about it. We won't. And I do not expect the sibling who gets everything to share it. The money is theirs legally and morally.
Whoever inherits the money is entitled to keep it. If they wish to share, that's great - but I don't think anybody has the right to demand part of somebody else's inheritance.

I think I'm with you OP although it's a really unpopular view on MN. I had no idea that there was such support for people's autonomy to be supported against any other considerations. If someone's just being vindictive by leaving it to one 'favoured' child over the other I would see that as unfair. Say the parent leaving the money had changed the mirror will of their pre-deceased spouse and was therefore choosing to leave family money to one sibling over the other when it was supposed to be split equally. Legally that's okay, but morally, surely not.

Saying life's not fair, while true, never helps to manage the hurt of the disinherited child. It's not about the money, it's the message that you were loved less, from beyond the grave. Your sibling redressing the balance, might go some way to easing the hurt.

OP - why is it fair you get 3 x more than his own DC?

Is he an "old fashioned" type? Perhaps he assumed you'd be married and have a husband to pay your mortgage?

it's the message that you were loved less, from beyond the grave.

I know that hurts- but I think most people will already know they were loved less. It's unusual for it to be a shock.

nd I do not expect the sibling who gets everything to share it. The money is theirs legally and morally.
Whoever inherits the money is entitled to keep it. If they wish to share, that's great - but I don't think anybody has the right to demand part of somebody else's inheritance.

If you got all the inheritance what would you do and why?

Is he an "old fashioned" type? Perhaps he assumed you'd be married and have a husband to pay your mortgage?

Is that to me? It's a fabricated scenario.

But the brother may well be a husband too?

If I got it all I would share. But I don't expect my brother to start handing out what rightfully his.

OP - can you answer why you are getting 3 x what your step sisters are?

I know of someone who left the family farm to one son as the other was a spendthrift / trouble as he wanted it to stay intact. The other brother decided to be fair and share. Years later the spendthrift brother got in trouble with a loan shark and the farm had to be sold. Horrible way for the father to be proved right! All panned out exactly as he explained in his reasons for only leaving it to one son!

OP - can you answer why you are getting 3 x what your step sisters are?

Sorry. Bold fail made it look like I was posting that but was quoting a different poster's post.

Horrible way for the father to be proved right! All panned out exactly as he explained in his reasons for only leaving it to one son!

That's not going to be the norm though is it.