DD 'hates' new boyfriend....what to do?

[TheTigerThatAteEverything]

DD is 3yo, an only child, and since EXDH and I separated has understandably become quite anxious and clingy.

The split was (and remains- possibly even more so now?) acrimonious. EXDH and I separated around 9 months ago but had to continue living in the same property until November last year.

We are sharing 50/50 custody at the moment, and this will continue until DD goes to full time school.

So....I have had a male friend for 10+ years, always been close and a few months ago we both realised that we have feelings for each other and started spending time together as a couple, we have talked about the future etc and are very much on the same page.

DD, who knew this friend as an occasional visitor to the marital home, has (without me broaching the subject of a relationship) decided that she “hates” name and will refuse to speak to him and get quite upset. Now obviously you can’t expect straight answers from a 3yo but I have asked her reasoning and I’m told “because”.

Now the interactions between them are rare, as I know DD is still delicate from the split, and I would not put her in any situation that makes her uncomfortable....but I am unsure how to proceed, I care greatly for this person, and I am sure of his good character, but DD needs to come first.

Any advice MNers??

Why do you even need to put her in the position of meeting this guy?
Surely there's ample time for you to see him during your non-contact time.

LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER

Well yes I do agree, my confusion/issue is that this is someone that she already knows, and has known her entire life.

Is she picking up on the change in dynamic?

Sorry if that sounded abrupt - didn't mean it to, and I'm sure you're doing your best in the situation.
I still maintain that there's no need for her to have contact with him though, and her very strong reaction to him suggests that she's feeling threatened and insecure. Understandable I guess, given what she has been through.

So you've been with new man since leaving marital home? Your 3 year old sounds like a very emotionally Intelligent little girl. Give her loads of time, don't even mention new man to her and certainly don't have him around her. Her life as she knew it has ended. Let her process it in her own time, with you and no.other talk of anyone new. Be selfless.

Thank you, to be honest you have confirmed what I know to be the correct way to treat the situation! DD needs to, and will come first.

she knows him from the past but that's entirely different than potentially having mum have a relationship with him.

put her first. Give her time.

She has probably picked up the dynamic shift but even overall, it's a lot of change for 3 year old in a short amount of time.

If you’re sharing custody 50/50, she doesn’t have any reason to meet him for at least a year. By then, you will know which way the relationship is going, and he can be gradually reintroduced if appropriate. If she has suddenly started seeing more of this man at an awful time for her, she is going to associate him with this.

Do you need a new relationship so soon? Your daughter needs you to be there for just her. Sorry.

This is insanity OP. Put your daughter first ffs.

bobster I am unwilling to go into details of my former relationship, but I think I am overdue a bit of adult affection and interaction.

Yoga- would you like to elaborate? :)

See him when you don’t have her. You have half the week free!

It sounds like it's all happened too fast tbh. Perhaps your DD just needs more time to adapt to what's happening? From her POV her parents lived together until really recently.

Thanks all for your input...for clarity, friend has never stayed over when I have DD, and has never been in the house/in her space when DD is home.

The 3/4 occasions they have been in each other’s company has been, for example- a stroll on the beach....

Fgs OP ignore those who think that just because you have a child you should t speak to another man until their 18 (and probably not even then!)

And also ignore all the histrionic 'PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST' vitriol.

This is really simple. She's 3. All things pass. She is with dad 50% of the time. This is the time to develop your relationship. Yes of course your are entitled to adult fun and affection as soon as you feel ready. It's your daughter that needs the space to adapt, not you. See your new man for a year, then gradual introductions. Until that point separate life compartments. 50% pure focus on DD, the other 50 are for you . Plenty of time for both. Enjoy.

Just one question... does dad know you are seeing this man ? Could he of said something.
' David is mummy's new boyfriend and Daddy doesn't like him... ' type of drip feeding in the ear of a very small child. ? Very wrong, very toxic and very possible. Parents aren't above these kind of unpleasant shenanigans... just a thought.

I disagree with PP I dont think its too soon and I wouldnt let your 3 yo dictate to you who you can and cant date. I do agree though with seeing him whilst she isnt around which will be easy with 50:50

I wouldnt let your 3 yo dictate to you who you can and cant date.

The most important thing we can do for our children is listen to them. This child has for some reason developed a problem with this man. That is not to be ignored.

Listening to your child does not mean letting them dictate your life. They are however the most important person in the situation.

Her dad only moved out three months ago - why on earth has she even met this other man? What's the rush?

You have 50/50 custody so you have plenty of time to pursue a relationship!

So because the 3 yo doesnt like him she shouldnt date him 😂 the 3 yo probably wont like ANY man she dates right now as he isnt “daddy” you cant let your kids rule your life.

No whats

That is not what i said at all. Not even close.

So because the 3 yo doesnt like him she shouldnt date him 😂

Who said that? Why has the three year old even met him when her dad only moved out three months ago?

OP has 50/50 custody - she can see her boyfriend half the week and spend the other half with her DD - there's absolutely no reason to blend the two at this stage.

Your daughter for whatever reason doesn’t want to spend time with him. She’s telling you that, so respect it. Maybe she just doesn’t want to share you at the moment with anyone, her life has been turned upside down. Spend time with her and devote yourself to making sure she’s ok. She needs reassurance at this time not someone turning up for walks or whatever!