DD 'hates' new boyfriend....what to do?

[TheTigerThatAteEverything]

DD is 3yo, an only child, and since EXDH and I separated has understandably become quite anxious and clingy.

The split was (and remains- possibly even more so now?) acrimonious. EXDH and I separated around 9 months ago but had to continue living in the same property until November last year.

We are sharing 50/50 custody at the moment, and this will continue until DD goes to full time school.

So....I have had a male friend for 10+ years, always been close and a few months ago we both realised that we have feelings for each other and started spending time together as a couple, we have talked about the future etc and are very much on the same page.

DD, who knew this friend as an occasional visitor to the marital home, has (without me broaching the subject of a relationship) decided that she “hates” name and will refuse to speak to him and get quite upset. Now obviously you can’t expect straight answers from a 3yo but I have asked her reasoning and I’m told “because”.

Now the interactions between them are rare, as I know DD is still delicate from the split, and I would not put her in any situation that makes her uncomfortable....but I am unsure how to proceed, I care greatly for this person, and I am sure of his good character, but DD needs to come first.

Any advice MNers??

What do you mean why has she met him?! the op has known him 10+ years so its safe to assume shes already met him!

And actually a PP did say it was to soon and does she even have to date yet. She doesnt need to ignore the child as I said spent time with him away from the child but she should date whenever she feels ready.

What do you mean why has she met him?! the op has known him 10+ years so its safe to assume shes already met him!

But OP said they're now doing things like walks on the beach, which are presumably things that used to happen as a family? She probably feels like her dad has been replaced very quickly which must be quite upsetting for a small child.

For goodness sake her dad only moved out two months ago. She shouldn't even be aware you're dating for months yet. See him when she's not around.

Fairly simple I'd have thought.

I suspect Patchworkpatty hit the nail on the head.

Gently does it, but you deserve to be happy and she doesn't get to pick. Jealousy, insecurity even hoping her parents will get back together, lots of reasons for her to pick up on the new dynamic and object. Keep to just out of the home occasional meetings for when dd is with you, I suspect if he's a good man she will adapt

I agree with PP that this should be handled slowly and gently for the DDs sensitive emotions.
OTOH OP has had a reason to call the end of a marriage. I could well see that OP might be really needing a cuddle and kindness from an adult. A child should not be supporting a mother at age 3 years. In years to come DD will meet someone and if some of the things I have seen are replicated throughout society, OP may not have a say in who the DD sees or brings to the home. Adults should surely be allowed to have adult friends in an adult manner. As long as the DD is not in any danger from the man I dont see why the OP (mother) should not have visitors to her house.
There are two sides to this

Why would u want to date anyone ur daughter doesn't like? I'd dump him in a second.

Bizarre.

And if her dad is seeing someone else now?
@patchyworkpatty I'm on same page.

Why should OP dump him because her DD doesn't like her new man? Yes it's a transitioning phase and she'll eventually settle.

@patchworkpatty.... sorry I got the spelling wrong earlier

@MumsyJ I'm sorry but I believe family should ALWAYS come first. I feel for yours since you don't believe the same.

You can't replace family but you can find a new date your family does like.

@frankiesamson And what do you know about my family that you're feeling for?

It just seems kind of yucky to be dating a mutual family friend. Are there no other guys out there to date?

Also find it a bit disturbing all this going on right after the marriage ending and latching on to the first guy you date.

Her father only moved out 2/3 months ago...yes you may been separated romantically for 9 months but she's not going to understand that.

From her perspective, daddy moved out a short time ago and now there this new man hanging around with mummy. She likely is very confused.

You do not need to be doing joint family things together at the moment. Your daughter is still adjusting.

Have an relationship away from your daughter and when she is ready, try again in the future.

OP, it may not feel it to you, but this does sound very 'rebound' - you would be far better being single for a while and establishing yourself than latching onto the next man who comes along. Keep him as a friend and keep your options open. Your DD is wise to feel uncomfortable - it all a bit fast and needy - out of the mouth of babes and all that.

Assuming you are an adult human female TheTigerthatateeverything I am sure you are quite capable of being both a devoted mum and AND having a relationship that doesn't traumatise a three year old for the next 20 yrs !.

I am always staggered by the puritanical advice on MN given to any woman with a child with regard to subsequent relationships and even more perplexed why so many of these posters assume that women who bring up children on their own, work, run a home , business, coach sports, run clubs etc - are not considered capable of having a relationship AND being a mother ? It's as so we can't be given credit to walk and talk at the same time !

This advice is simply not based in the real world. I have 7 children between self and DH. Oldest 23 youngest 15. We live in solidly middle class area, employed full time, very low levels of deprivation - yet , taking the ten closest friends of the dc - that's 70 kids, there are only 11 who live with their mum and dad who are still married to each other . Add to that 8 are single (as far as I know but could be dating/in relationship but don't live together.) That leaves 51 children with their Parent married to a spouse other than the child's parent. This means that somehow they have been able to date, develop a relationship and marry - all whilst having children!
No one appears to have massive issues. Of course a step father is never going to be as well received as a father , but it's interesting how things change over time and develops once they realise it's not 'either' /'or' but 'as well' and grow to appreciate that third parental influence .

As for a three yr old 'not liking' .. unless given cause to think otherwise bear in mind my three year olds didn't (from time to time) like ;
Weetabix
Scrambled egg
Granny
Uncle Seb
Nursery
The colour yellow.
All of which are now firm favourites except possibly the colour yellow..

but I believe family should ALWAYS come first

Me too. I've seen too many unhappy children as they are second best compared to their parents sex life. Some of those relationships are irreconcilable now. Children can't leave so have to remain unhappy.

I would just give it time, spend time with him when you’re kiddy free & reintroduce when she’s a bit older.

I would keep the 2 relationships separate for a time until DD seems more settled

I like how the male friend "realises" he has feelings now that you're single

Of course listen to your child, but i agree a three year old should not dictate your life. I certainly wouldn't end something that gave me joy over the protests of a three year old.

Yes, she feels understandably threatened. She is three, she doesn't yet grasp there is enough love in you to go around.

Keep him away from her for now. You have plenty of time to see him. She needs love and reassurance the status quo isn't going to change again any time soon.

I also think bowing to each and every need of a child sets a dangerous precedent. Life isn't always about getting what we want.

Enjoy your daughter and your relationship, op.

I am always staggered by the puritanical advice on MN given to any woman with a child with regard to subsequent relationships and even more perplexed why so many of these posters assume that women who bring up children on their own, work, run a home , business, coach sports, run clubs etc - are not considered capable of having a relationship AND being a mother ?

I am more staggered and perplexed by the number of women that come out of shit relationships only to ricochet right into the arms of the first available bloke, children and all, hardly pausing to draw breath.

Of course listen to your child, but i agree a three year old should not dictate your life.

You say you would listen, but you then go on to demonstrate how you wouldn't...

I certainly wouldn't end something that gave me joy over the protests of a three year old

Listening to your child means finding out WHY the protests. This is absolute basic parenting.

Agree with the PP that said she’s probably linking seeing him more often with her family life completely changing, I have a 3 year old, she’s almost 3 and a half and this seems the most logical explanation to me in my experience of this age. Also agree with the PP who said she probably doesn’t enjoy sharing you when she’s getting to see you and again that’s being linked to your friend.

Keep the two separate for longer while possible.

Maybe delay them meeting face to face anymore.. maybe she feels like her dad is being replaced somehow or maybe she has a genuine fair reason that she doesn't know how to verbalize...

Maybe try giving them a break and then re-introduce where he gives her an amazing toy present or treat that you know she'd like so she'd associate him positively due to the present.. just like people do when they pretend a newborn child has giving their older sibling a present, to make sure jealousy doesn't occur.

You say you would listen, but you then go on to demonstrate how you wouldn't...

What, so the child always get what it wants?? The child is allowed to protest. Doesn't mean the parent should bow to the child's every want and whim. Utterly ridiculous to think any parent should.