DD 'hates' new boyfriend....what to do?

[TheTigerThatAteEverything]

DD is 3yo, an only child, and since EXDH and I separated has understandably become quite anxious and clingy.

The split was (and remains- possibly even more so now?) acrimonious. EXDH and I separated around 9 months ago but had to continue living in the same property until November last year.

We are sharing 50/50 custody at the moment, and this will continue until DD goes to full time school.

So....I have had a male friend for 10+ years, always been close and a few months ago we both realised that we have feelings for each other and started spending time together as a couple, we have talked about the future etc and are very much on the same page.

DD, who knew this friend as an occasional visitor to the marital home, has (without me broaching the subject of a relationship) decided that she “hates” name and will refuse to speak to him and get quite upset. Now obviously you can’t expect straight answers from a 3yo but I have asked her reasoning and I’m told “because”.

Now the interactions between them are rare, as I know DD is still delicate from the split, and I would not put her in any situation that makes her uncomfortable....but I am unsure how to proceed, I care greatly for this person, and I am sure of his good character, but DD needs to come first.

Any advice MNers??

There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of adult company.

But you do NOT need to have him in your child's life especially at 3 years old and so soon after splitting with your ex. It must be incredibly confusing for her. If you have 50/50 custody then you have plenty of time to see him without your DD being there.

I've been a single parent for almost 5 years and I've never had any other man that I've dated around DS. I don't think it's necessary. I keep my private life restricted to the times DS is with my ex.

Is there any possibility your ex has been 'having a word' with your DD? I know it's something my ex would absolutely have done with our DC when we split, despite having a string of new partners in his own life.

As it happened, I believed in the 'put your DC first' mantra and didn't see anyone else while I had the children at home. However, it's meant that now they've left and I'm free to date again, I find myself at 60 with no relationship (or sex...!) for the last 15 years and that's bloody difficult to change. I wish I'd done things differently now.

Good luck OP.

What, so the child always get what it wants?? The child is allowed to protest. Doesn't mean the parent should bow to the child's every want and whim. Utterly ridiculous to think any parent should.

Not what I said. Nothing even close to what I said.

Listening to your child means just that. Listen. Find out their worries. Work out why they suddenly don't like this person. Then act accordingly.

It does not mean bow to their every want and whim. Why you think it does is beyond me.

What TheNavigator said.

If you have 50/50 custody there's plenty of time to see this guy when your DD isn't around.

Bloody hell! My son told me he hated his nursery school teacher, his little brother and frequently me and his dad after we split just 'because'
I made no effort to stop him attending school, didn't put youngest up for adoption, also didn't stay with his dad despite him being devastated by it.
He survived, he's happy, he got through it, he's moved on. He's forgotten the nasty painful gritty bits I thought would scar him.
I did tell him it's not OK to say I hate you about people without a reason because it's rude.

If a change is dealt with properly by adults , kids can cope with pretty much anything including new people coming and going. Allowing a 3 yr old to dictate an adults life is not healthy, helping her accept that some things change but some things stay the same and that's OK, is parenting that will help her be happy and settled long term.

OP, my situation was very similar to yours (started relationship with a very old friend a few months after leaving ex who treated me very badly) but was lucky in that my DD, who is six, took to my new boyfriend pretty quickly - well, she knew him anyway, obviously. I do remember asking her quite early on if she liked him, and she said “Of course - you wouldn’t have a boyfriend that I didn’t like, would you?” And just kind of shrugged.
But if only it were that simple. If she hadn’t liked him, I think I would have continued to date him on the weekends I don’t have her, and then tried to introduce them again maybe 6 months down the line. But ultimately, I couldn’t, long term, have a relationship with a man my daughter disliked. Incredibly sad as I would have found it to split up with him (as he’s not just some new random bloke i’ve hooked up with - he was always one of my closest friends and we’ve stood by each other through thick and thin). But, yes, I would, with great regret, have put DD first.
However, I don’t think you are there yet, OP. Maybe give it a while. And certainly what helps in my case is the two of them have things they really enjoy doing together - playing certain stupid games, swimming, gardening, they built a farmyard out of junk..... A lot of this is stuff i’m not great at myself, but that DD loves..... Basically, my bloke has made quite a bit of effort to do nice things with her - he’s got older kids himself so he’s quite good at that stuff - and when you feel the time is right, if your boyfriend is willing it might help if he will go out of his way to do some stuff with your dd that she loves. That’s harder with a three year old I know, but it could just be colouring, going to the playground, even watching a certain film with her....... And if he’s not willing to try this, sadly the relationship isn’t really going to work out anyway. I was always very clear that any man who takes me on is taking on my daughter too (not to be a second father to her of course, but to be a significant role model in her life). It’s a big ask, but there’s no alternative for me - otherwise i’ll stay single!

Maybe she thinks any man is a replacement for her dad and she doesn't want that.

So carry on seeing him when she's not with you and see how it goes.

She's only 3 years old so she needs a primary carer. She's not a possession to be split 50/50. That's probably part of why she's feeling so insecure.

Also, keep the boyfriend well away from her for a long time. You only want them to spend time together for selfish reasons. There is no reason they have to cross paths.

@MumsyJ you said you don't think family should come first before dates.

@Patchworkpatty thank you! Finally, another voice of reason on mumsnet. Very few of us here 😂

Hats off to u too..your family sounds very well organised, planned and cared for. Well done :)

@grenadezombie hurrah! Another voice of reason on mn! Agree with @grenadezombie wholeheartedly- Basic parenting is listening to your child to find out why your child does not like the new guy you're dating. Children are more perceptive than you might expect. There could be a solid reason for it.

I would never wish to date anyone my family didn't approve of. It may be in Western culture to put yourself first, but I believe in a more balanced culture somewhere between western, Southern European & eastern way of thinking... family should always come first, unless they're being unreasonable (which I doubt).

Where did anyone say don't ask the child why she doesn't like the new man? No one has said the child should be ignored. Unless there is some serious reason why the new man should be dumped (and wanting mummy and daddy back together for example is not a good reason) then the op is entitled to date whoever she wants. And good for her. We all deserve to be happy.

"you said you don't think family should come first before dates."

@frankiesamson can you please draw my attention to where that was stated? 😳

Makes me laugh how you've popped out and agreed with @patchworkpatty whom I actually agreed with in my first post, and you attacking with family first. Go back and understand my post before vomiting something unsubstantial @frankiesamson

Clearly something has alerted her, and it should not have done, not at this stage. Have you been holding hands, kissing, whatever? Kids aren't stupid, but neither are three year old so smart they sense a dynamic change when two people don't change their physical actions in front of them,

I would not raise it again, and if she mentions it, I would say ok, he's just a friend, and he's a nice person, and leave it there.

Right now she's not ready for a man in her life dating mummy and replacing daddy, and nor should she have to deal with one, you have plenty of time as others said when she is with her father to date, and she doesn't need to be involved yet.

I think it's a lot of change for such a young child.
She's went from seeing you and her dad pretty much full time to going 3 or 4 days without seeing you, she probably doesn't want to share those days with your friend.
Even if she doesn't see or notice the bigger picture, she's old enough to know she's not ready to share you yet.
It's definitely a confusing and insecure time for her and no additional factors should be pushed at this time.
Carry on seeing your new man if you want to, but there's no need for your daughter and him to interact at all right now. If your exP had left all childcare to you and you has DD full time I could almost understand having to rush things, as you'd never be alone, but you've got the perfect opportunity to find the right balance.

She has probably picked up that something has changed and is upset, which is understandable as she may feel a bit insecure with all the change. I think leave it for about six months then slowly introduce him as a friend. As someone said she could associate this difficult time with him. But don't stop seeing him, your child is part of your life, not all of it.

Gosh like people have said it’s not all or nothing for now give it a break when she is there. No reason you shouldn’t persuade a relationship. It is very fast for Dd and at some point you will have to test the water again . If Dd doesn’t like him at the point it us doomed.

Agree with what others are saying about just giving her time, letting her get used to her new routine and save you and him time for when she's at her dads.
Ignore the outraged cries of "why has she already met him?!" those posters clearly skipped the part where you said you'd known him for 10 years

I've been split from my exH for 4 years now, obviously it took them time to adjust to daddy not being in the house but now they seem happy with the way things are.
In fact my 8 year old is determined to marry me off, she keeps telling me we 'need to find you a husband' 😂

If you're doing 50/50, does that mean she's going 3 or 4 days without seeing you st all? Were you her primary carer before?

Where did anyone say don't ask the child why she doesn't like the new man? No one has said the child should be ignored.

My point wasn't that people had said 'don't ask the child'. It was that nobody was saying 'do ask the child'. It was either 'ignore her and get on with it' or 'omg you must never have a relationship ever again'

Listening to the child was an attempt to add balance.

Grenadezombie, my first post was listen to the child. By listening, ask her why she "hates" him and act accordingly. I am certainly not advocating ignoring the child because she is a child. It's very important that she is heard.

But would I give up a relationship because my child was jealous or wanting me to get back with her dad (or something similar),?Absolutely not.

The current arrangement allows for the op to have a social life and I think she should make the most of it. Many single mums don't have that luxury.

Obviously I was talking to you about all the other posts. I completely agree with you as it happens.

Why does new bloke have to be there on DD's days?