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Original poster

Am I crazy like he says I am? I need a reality check please!

61 replies

ebrone · 30/01/2019 19:55

Hi.
I have been having a relationship with a man in a different country for a year. When it's good it's wonderful, the most wonderful attraction I have ever felt for anyone in my life. When it's bad I feel awful, sad and panicky, scared of losing him. This isn't a usual relationship - he has an Instagram account where he posts photos of naked women. I don't like this because it makes me feel like I have to compete with these women. They send him their photos, many taken on their phones, and he edits and posts them. He communicates with them via online messages and email, and some of them are so stunning. He says he loves me, and when he isn't posting photos things are so good between us. But then he starts again and everything turns sour.

Each time I promise him I won't be jealous, but I can't help it. It makes me feel very insecure. He hates this and gets very angry. He tells me I need help, that there is something wrong with my mind for being jealous of this. Is there something wrong with me or would most women be jealous of this? Are there women out there who are so confident in their own bodies that they would not mind if the man they loved edited and posted photos of beautiful naked women? I feel very pressured to keep up with these women, most of whom are in their 30s, some in their 20s and 40s (I am in my mid 40s). So I suppose I am worried about getting older and losing my attractiveness.

Is this just me - am I just being jealous?

I can't seem to walk away from this situation. I should add that I have been to see him many times but he has never come to my country. I should also add that he is living with another woman. I am not jealous of her, only of his sensual account.

I can't tell anyone about this and I feel like I need a reality check - I feel like my reaction is normal but then with him telling me it really isn't, I don't know what to think any more.

I am completely in love with this man but every time he does this I have to back away and I am getting tired of this. It is hurting me now. He says I never trust him but how can I when he communicates with so many stunning women who send him naked photos? Another thing I noticed was that the last time I saw him he was on his phone a lot. More than usual.

I just don't know how to walk away. He has been such a big part of my life for a year now and for all kinds of reasons (long term infertility, sexless marriage being a few of them), I hadn't felt like a woman for a long time and he made me feel like one again. I am scared that, at my age, if I cut ties then I will never be able to experience this kind of love and passion again. If you have any advice for me at all, please let me know. I don't mind if you are very direct about it. Maybe this is what I need to hear.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/01/2019 20:02

if I cut ties then I will never be able to experience this kind of love and passion again
Turn that sentence around. If I cut ties I will be able to experience real love and passion. I will be able to experience mutual respect, happiness and peace.

donajimena · 30/01/2019 20:04

Have you actually met this person?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2019 20:04

Block him from your life and never contact him again. You need t go complete cold turkey and break free of this love addiction. How on earth did you ever get sucked into a so called relationship with a scam artist. Was this all done online?

Who is this other woman he apparently lives with, his wife?.

You may well be confusing love with codependency here. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this resonates with your own behaviours.

This man is taking you for a right mug. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up. Why is your relationship bar here so low that this chancer has muscled into your life like he has done taking you for a mug in the process. Do not waste any more of your life or time on this opportunist.

Petalflowers · 30/01/2019 20:05

He is not the man for you. There are many red flags.

The first thought I had when reading your post was, how many other women is he stringing along? He seems to,have no respect for,your feelings, if he really cared for you (and respected women) he would not have this instragram account, and be posting pictures of nude women online.

Also, I think you need to work,on your self esteem. I’m sure you are beautiful. Also, to use the old cliche, beauty is only skin deep. Youndon’t Have to,compete with them, be yourself. If he doesn’t like you for who you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.

Who,is this other woman? Does she see herself as The Wife?

I think he makes you feel,good, because he knows the right things to say. He has you running to him, but he doesn’t seem to make any effort to respect your feelings. Ie. Posting pictures, no reciprocal,visit to your house (why not?).

There is definantly no long term future in this relationship.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 30/01/2019 20:05

Is it legal to post that stuff?? Or moral??
Op seriously you can do better.
Before your fanjo is up there for the world to see.

BathTangle · 30/01/2019 20:11

It's not just you. Have my very first LTB and look after yourself - you are worth so much more.

PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2019 20:13

It's not love and passion because he clearly doesn't love you.

Chalkitup · 30/01/2019 20:14

I really don't want to come across as mean but it sounds like you're being incredibly naive. His actions seems to suggest he doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for him. It wouldn't surprise me if you were one of many flings he's having.
You're worth more! X

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/01/2019 20:18

This sounds absolutely fucking bonkers..Does he actually have a job or does he spend all day in his basement masturbating to and editing naked pictures of internet trollops?

Jesus woman raise your bar a million times over, the only way you would be crazy is if you let this fuckery continue!

yetanotheropinion · 30/01/2019 20:27

'long term infertility, sexless marriage being a few of them), I hadn't felt like a woman for a long time and he made me feel like one again. I am scared that, at my age, if I cut ties then I will never be able to experience this kind of love and passion again'

This is the crux of your problem - there's quite a lot going on for you. A counsellor would help you work through your feelings.

The guy's awful - cheating & running a grim free porn account. But I see why you're addicted to him. Get help, get strong & you can absolutely experience authentic, honest passion & love that makes you feel great, not terrible.

MitziK · 30/01/2019 20:32

Assuming this is a real post

You do realise that you are just as likely talking to a 22 year old woman from Alabama, a 68 year old obese bloke from Wolverhampton or a 39 year old from Crawley as you are a wonderful man from overseas?

It's fake.

You aren't crazy, you are being spun a line by somebody online who is getting off on making you feel great and then bad. If you're lucky, they will just stay torturing you, if not, they'll be pushing you for pornographic videos/photos or money. Lots of money.

Block and move on. To a real person.

MitziK · 30/01/2019 20:34

Also, if you have actually seen his face (and it's not a mate who is part of the deception), you won't have seen the wife, children and the fact that he actually has a full life that doesn't include you, over and above getting a kick out of your misery/the power.

LovingLola · 30/01/2019 20:36

Really ?????

Whothere · 30/01/2019 20:38

Why do they send him photos in particular? Why does he do it?

halfwitpicker · 30/01/2019 20:50

You're kidding?

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2019 20:54

how does he behave toward you when you are together ?

Grimbles · 30/01/2019 21:14

Another woman with a partner blatantly cheating on her and she is asking if she is the one being unreasonable Hmm

LIZS · 30/01/2019 21:20

He is actively soliciting these images, they are not just randomly falling into his inbox. Hmm Is he in a relationship with the woman he lives with? It sounds as if he is toying with you , exploiting your vulnerability. You are investing more time, energy and ,dare I suggest, money into this situation than he is or he deserves. Please find a distraction and start again with someone who values you as you are.

LIZS · 30/01/2019 21:25

Did you by any chance meet online?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 30/01/2019 21:26

Hoping you haven't given him any cash op...

babysharkah · 30/01/2019 21:41

Please say you haven't sent money?

Original poster
ebrone · 31/01/2019 00:04

Previously everything was always wonderful when we were together.

However, the last time, several weeks ago, he snapped at me for little things, like dropping something and asking 'too many times' to translate the menu.

OP posts:
Original poster
ebrone · 31/01/2019 00:15

Thank you so much for your replies. Sorry I am new to Mumsnet and still trying to figure out how to reply. Yes, I have met him many times now. It is always me flying over to see him. He has never been to the UK as he says his 'wife' (they are not married but live together) will find out. I did meet him online, I confess through the Instagram account he has - I was curious at first. I have never given him any money and he has never asked for any, although I pay for my flight each time I see him. In the past I have paid for my own hotel but now he pays for accommodation and pretty much everything else. He is generous with his money even though I think I have more than he does. He has even introduced me to a few members of his family, which made me think he was serious about me at the time.

I should probably also mention that he forgot my birthday last year - he forgets everyone's but it still upset me on my birthday. Eventually I told him just so I could properly enjoy the rest of the day.

I know this sounds ridiculous and if I were hearing it from a friend I would see right through it. However, he tells me he loves only me - doesn't love the woman he lives with, doesn't want a relationship with these women he posts photos of. I have been trying to believe him but I have real problems with this. Now he is saying that if I don't get rid of 'my jealousy' he will leave me. 'My jealousy' is me telling him that when he posted a certain photo it made me feel bad as it makes me feel pressured to be perfect. He gets angry when I don't trust him.

All this might seem so simple - leave him, and to be honest, I would be saying this to someone else. But it's so frustrating as I feel like I found the kind of passionate love that I have always wanted, but with a man for whom I am just not enough, no matter what he tries to tell me about how I am the only woman for him, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ebrone · 31/01/2019 00:19

In answer to why does he do this Instagram account - he says he loves sensual photography and sees the photos as a beautiful photo and nothing more. He gets so frustrated when I don't believe this - I mean how can a man look at pictures of beautiful women naked and not see them as exactly that - beautiful, sensual women? Women they would like to meet and chat with online...

OP posts:
PickAChew · 31/01/2019 00:23

He's a fucking sleaze bag and you're merely a willing shag, to him.