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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I crazy like he says I am? I need a reality check please!

61 replies

ebrone · 30/01/2019 19:55

Hi.
I have been having a relationship with a man in a different country for a year. When it's good it's wonderful, the most wonderful attraction I have ever felt for anyone in my life. When it's bad I feel awful, sad and panicky, scared of losing him. This isn't a usual relationship - he has an Instagram account where he posts photos of naked women. I don't like this because it makes me feel like I have to compete with these women. They send him their photos, many taken on their phones, and he edits and posts them. He communicates with them via online messages and email, and some of them are so stunning. He says he loves me, and when he isn't posting photos things are so good between us. But then he starts again and everything turns sour.

Each time I promise him I won't be jealous, but I can't help it. It makes me feel very insecure. He hates this and gets very angry. He tells me I need help, that there is something wrong with my mind for being jealous of this. Is there something wrong with me or would most women be jealous of this? Are there women out there who are so confident in their own bodies that they would not mind if the man they loved edited and posted photos of beautiful naked women? I feel very pressured to keep up with these women, most of whom are in their 30s, some in their 20s and 40s (I am in my mid 40s). So I suppose I am worried about getting older and losing my attractiveness.

Is this just me - am I just being jealous?

I can't seem to walk away from this situation. I should add that I have been to see him many times but he has never come to my country. I should also add that he is living with another woman. I am not jealous of her, only of his sensual account.

I can't tell anyone about this and I feel like I need a reality check - I feel like my reaction is normal but then with him telling me it really isn't, I don't know what to think any more.

I am completely in love with this man but every time he does this I have to back away and I am getting tired of this. It is hurting me now. He says I never trust him but how can I when he communicates with so many stunning women who send him naked photos? Another thing I noticed was that the last time I saw him he was on his phone a lot. More than usual.

I just don't know how to walk away. He has been such a big part of my life for a year now and for all kinds of reasons (long term infertility, sexless marriage being a few of them), I hadn't felt like a woman for a long time and he made me feel like one again. I am scared that, at my age, if I cut ties then I will never be able to experience this kind of love and passion again. If you have any advice for me at all, please let me know. I don't mind if you are very direct about it. Maybe this is what I need to hear.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 31/01/2019 00:27

Im so sorry but he is a chancer and stringing you along he knows what to say and do to keep you interested. Your future doesnt lie with a man who lives with another woman; makes you make all the effort to see him; forgets your birthday and posts pics of naked women online. You are worth so much more and you are not happy. You need to go cold turkey on him and free yourself to find a proper relationship.

PresidentHump · 31/01/2019 00:27

So he's having an affair with you??

Sadiesnakes · 31/01/2019 00:39

Oh for god sakes, yes the women are beautiful, sensual, etc, etc but the reasons he's using those pictures are not the way you'd appreciate beautiful art, he's using it for his porn collection and he's taking the piss trying to convince you otherwise. He's a sleaze bag op. YANBU feeling insecure with him flaunting this shit in your face all the time. This is not an actual relationship by any means.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 31/01/2019 00:42

He is taking the piss and you are letting him.

Musti · 31/01/2019 01:39

You are the other woman (or one of them) . I don't understand why you don't have a problem with that. How can you see a future with him? He probably forgot your birthday because you're not important to him and he probably messages and sees other women too.

frankiesamson · 31/01/2019 02:07

LOL didn't need to read past "he posts pics of naked women..."

Dump him girl & please increase your classiness requirement for your next guy. He may be the one.

Skittlesandbeer · 31/01/2019 02:39

I think you need to realise that for all the things you say you’re getting from this relationship, you are simaltaneously getting damaged.

You are being depleted in your store of self-esteem, dignity, self respect and peace of mind (some might say real mental health damage). These things are very hard to claw back, and affect every part of your life and future.

It’s as if you’re on a junk food eating regime, and ignoring the lack of essential nutrients. To continue that analogy- the lack of vitamins are impeding your vision (and messing with other senses and organs).

We all like sugary fatty food occasionally, and yes, it’s hard to face a future that may not bring them your way again. But you need to protect your health and sanity. Once they wear down, there’s often no fixing them.

Cut the guy loose and get back on track. You’re not going ‘back’ to a celibate life, you’re a different person now. Who knows what opportunities may open up for you? For sure you’re not going to meet anyone better if you continue down the path of mental and emotional wreck, now are you? Rebuild yourself into a person you like, so others can too.

NotANotMan · 31/01/2019 02:47

It's not passionate love, it's intense sexual chemistry. That's ok! Most women will experience something like that especially after ending a bad marriage. But the way you feel when you're cuddling, kissing and having sex is not love, it's infatuation. It will pass.
You can have a proper relationship, with a man who isn't a cheating, unpleasant sleazebag and who lives near you but you have to end this crazy business first.

MumsyJ · 31/01/2019 05:13

Blimey OP! How long before he strings you into marrying him for Visa and then dumps you like a sack of shit?

I need to give your head a wobble right now. He may have introduced you to his family but it's probably legal to cheat and marry as many wives as a man deems fit in his country.

Wake up and smell the bullshit right in your face!

User1357942 · 31/01/2019 05:22

He sounds like an absolute areshole.
Could you arrange to see a counsellor, alone fgs don’t take him/tell him, and tell them what you’ve told us?
You’re worth more than this

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2019 05:36

Stop being a mug

He has a girlfriend, he's sleazy. Stop wasting your time

Raven88 · 31/01/2019 05:43

He's gaslighting you when you have worries, I would ditch him and move on.

proseccoaficionado · 31/01/2019 05:46

Ok. Let's see.

He has a GIRLFRIEND who will probably marry.
Not sure if he has a job but the fact that he's posting pictures of naked women to his instagram (why are those poor stupid women sending them tho?) is so so so so disgusting!
You only ever visit him, pay plane tickets and accomodation. Of course, he has a girlfriend who he lives with.

What are you getting from this relationship?

pippistrelle · 31/01/2019 05:53

no matter what he tries to tell me about how I am the only woman for him, etc

Apart from his 'wife' and the nudes, of course.

OP - the very fact that you're posting this leads me to believe that, on some level, you understand that this is really not good for you. Act on that feeling as a start to creating some self-esteem.

pissedonatrain · 31/01/2019 06:08

He's a sleaze ball. It isn't love for sure. Mostly nice feelings in your pants. Please dump this user and do the Freedom Programme and date men near you.

RosieCockle · 31/01/2019 06:42

Yes, you are crazy!! Crazy to carry on with that! Get rid asap.

Petalflowers · 31/01/2019 06:51

You keep saying you are not good enough for him. So wrong. He is not good enough for you! You don’t owe him anything.

Ditch him and find someone who values you.

SparklyMagpie · 31/01/2019 08:43

Yes you are crazy! How can you not see just how fucked up this whole situation is?!

Pinkmonkeybird · 31/01/2019 10:11

Wow, he sounds like a catch. NOT. Can you not see how deluded this situation is. There are plenty of other people out there for you. Get some counselling with regards to your self worth and block this arsehole.

TheFaerieQueene · 31/01/2019 10:19

Please wake up OP.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/01/2019 10:24

So you're already the Other Woman, as he has a long term partner who he lives with. And now you're jealous of all his Other Women/Internet nudes?

Run and don't look back.

Eatmycheese · 31/01/2019 10:31

Exactly how rose tinted are your glasses? Or should I write, blinkers?

This is surreal and awful. Why in fuck's name are you doing this to yourself?

SittingAround1 · 31/01/2019 10:54

He's a player and you're being played.

Deadringer · 31/01/2019 11:11

This relationship made you feel better at a time when you really needed it, that is not the case anymore as you now feel jealous and unhappy. Taking the photos out of it, you are involved with a man who lives in another country with another woman. You need to end this, the sooner you do the sooner you will open yourself up to the possibility of a real life relationship with a man who is actually available.

ChinnyReckonn · 31/01/2019 11:25

Honestly, give your head a wobble, your his bit on the side and your actually crossing countries to shag a married man. Surely you can get a shag closer to home? With someone single? It would save you a fortune.