Hi.
I have been having a relationship with a man in a different country for a year. When it's good it's wonderful, the most wonderful attraction I have ever felt for anyone in my life. When it's bad I feel awful, sad and panicky, scared of losing him. This isn't a usual relationship - he has an Instagram account where he posts photos of naked women. I don't like this because it makes me feel like I have to compete with these women. They send him their photos, many taken on their phones, and he edits and posts them. He communicates with them via online messages and email, and some of them are so stunning. He says he loves me, and when he isn't posting photos things are so good between us. But then he starts again and everything turns sour.
Each time I promise him I won't be jealous, but I can't help it. It makes me feel very insecure. He hates this and gets very angry. He tells me I need help, that there is something wrong with my mind for being jealous of this. Is there something wrong with me or would most women be jealous of this? Are there women out there who are so confident in their own bodies that they would not mind if the man they loved edited and posted photos of beautiful naked women? I feel very pressured to keep up with these women, most of whom are in their 30s, some in their 20s and 40s (I am in my mid 40s). So I suppose I am worried about getting older and losing my attractiveness.
Is this just me - am I just being jealous?
I can't seem to walk away from this situation. I should add that I have been to see him many times but he has never come to my country. I should also add that he is living with another woman. I am not jealous of her, only of his sensual account.
I can't tell anyone about this and I feel like I need a reality check - I feel like my reaction is normal but then with him telling me it really isn't, I don't know what to think any more.
I am completely in love with this man but every time he does this I have to back away and I am getting tired of this. It is hurting me now. He says I never trust him but how can I when he communicates with so many stunning women who send him naked photos? Another thing I noticed was that the last time I saw him he was on his phone a lot. More than usual.
I just don't know how to walk away. He has been such a big part of my life for a year now and for all kinds of reasons (long term infertility, sexless marriage being a few of them), I hadn't felt like a woman for a long time and he made me feel like one again. I am scared that, at my age, if I cut ties then I will never be able to experience this kind of love and passion again. If you have any advice for me at all, please let me know. I don't mind if you are very direct about it. Maybe this is what I need to hear.
Thank you x