In sickness and in health but when does it end?

[TiredStew]

Have nc as some of my family know i post on here! I might have slightly skewed views on this because my dfather was my dm carer her whole life (until she died from her cancer). She was ill for 30 years and spent much of that time in and out of hospital and my dfather never once (to my knowledge!) strayed from his responsibilities to us dcs (and there are 5 of us) nor to my dm.

I met dp last spring - we were very attracted to each other, we've been away together and we really like each other and before Xmas, we had spoken a lot about what a long term future together would look like.

But suddenly after Xmas, he started getting really ill (sick). He went to the doctor who didn't know what it was and it culminated in him being rushed to hospital. This has happened twice now and ended up in him having a v long operation. The only thing he has told me about the operation is that it isn't cancer. He does not want me to visit him. He messages me every single day, chats in a lovely way (not for long but on and off throughout the day) and every day we set up a time to meet but when the time comes, he pulls out. I now haven't seen him since Xmas. I have tried talking to him but he ducks out of the conversations. I am thinking

1. It's something embarrassing and he doesn't want to see me or tell me
2. He is genuinely still recovering and I need to give him some time but i'm hurt he doesn't want to see me (though also do appreciate that when you're ill that can be tricky, but I suspect other people are seeing him)
3. He is just not that interested in me any more

Problem is I don't want to assume it's 3 and destroy this opportunity as it really was so good when we were together properly. He has told me he is feeling very very fragile but of course, because he won't actually tell me what is going on, I'm in the dark. I'm just wondering how much longer I should be patient for....or should I just push it and risk pushing him too far when he's obviously not feeling great?

we don't set up a time to meet every day, I should have said every week....

It's something embarrassing i would guess. just give him a little time.

Is he still in hospital?

I'm wondering if it something he is embark about so doesn't want to see you until he has fully recovered. Something causing embarrassing symptoms? Penis or stomach related.

Are you absolutely certain that he isn't with someone else? I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask for some clarification after a month of not seeing him.

Firstly, unless you are married your title doesn't make sense.

Were you there when he was taken to hospital?

I'm thinking he is being cared for by his wife/partner. That would make it awkward.

I think it's odd that he doesn't want you to know his reasons.

I'm not certain he isn't with someone else no

he's only just out of hospital but from the brief details he's giving me, he's having to go back a fair amount to be checked up

If you have been together for nearly a year then he definitely owes you a full disclosure of what is up. It may be embarrassing but you are now a pretty long term gf and you can't be ignored. I think you need to ask direct searching questions, make it clear it's important to you and that you are supportive. If he still clams up it doesn't bode well for inevitable life problems in the future and I would be reconsidering your relationship.

galatic, it was just a title really! couldn't think of anything (at work so trying to be quick!)

I wasn't there when he went to hospital and I never visited him when he was in there. His friend called to tell me (as he was rushed there in an ambulance).

It's also odd not to visit someone in hospital unless they are a very long way away or too ill for visitors.

I would think he is married

The only thing I can think of that would be embarrassing enough for a grown adult to keep a long term partner away from their hospital bed for a whole month, is a wife.

You don't have any commitment to him and he's messing you around.

I'd tell him that you need to see him (fix a date and time) and ask him straight out what's going on. Explain that you can't continue a relationship like this. If he doesn't want to see you anymore, it'll hurt, but at least you'll know the truth.

I agree with PPs, there's something fishy about this situation, perhaps a wife/partner is involved. Or, it could just be embarrassment. Either way, you just need to know and then you can decide what to do.

Take care.

Right, let's assume he's actually in hospital and his wife isn't mopping his fevered brow and it is something that is embarrassing, he doesn't think much of you if he doesn't trust you to be mature/ helpful/ kind enough to add something to his life at this difficult time.

I'd call it a day.

Could he possibly be married? Did you go to his home and meet his family and friends?

I’m another one who thinks that he is in another relationship, likely married, and that is why he doesn’t want you to visit. Either that, or there has been no operation and no hospital stay.

Why don't you go see him?

Are you certain he even has been ill and in hospital?!

How do you know he is actually ill? Have you witnessed it or just been told by him/others? Did you manage to speak to hospital ward staff when he was an inpatient?
It just sounds very odd and like other posters I would be suspicious.

You’re not married so there’s no “in sickness and in health” vow that you’re expected to keep.

It does sound very suspicious, especially the timing given you’d recently discussed future plans. The friend ringing as he was in the ambulance sounds dodgy too.

Do you have his home address? Could you knock on the door to see if he’s in?

every day we set up a time to meet but when the time comes, he pulls out

Whatever is going on with him, this is inexcusable. It’s so rude to keep making plans then letting you down. He’s messing you around and it’s just not on.

not certain about any of it but the details he's given me, I do think he has had an operation.

I am pretty sure he isn't married. But I wouldn't rule out his last ex being involved in looking after him (she's a nurse). He has young dcs with her (we are both late 40s) and I know they are good friends and I suspect she may well have volunteered to take care of him. He lives with a friend in a flat share and I wonder whether he's gone back to the family home while he recuperates and he just doesn't want to share these details with me. Not that I would bloody care, I'm more hurt that he's not sharing details with me. I don't think they would get back together as she's moved on (as has he, he's had a few relationships since).

A few nights ago he said he was worried about me drifting away from him, I said that it was very hard as I hadn't seen him for so long and even if I just popped in briefly it would be something. But still nothing.

I think what I'll do is I'll give it to this weekend. If I haven't managed to see him by the end of the weekend, I'll call him and tell him that I just can't continue like this.

Why don't you just go see him?

Or aren't you really bothered?

Of course I'm bothered but I'm not even sure he's at home and tbh I don't think I should go round if he doesn't want visitors