In sickness and in health but when does it end?

[TiredStew]

Have nc as some of my family know i post on here! I might have slightly skewed views on this because my dfather was my dm carer her whole life (until she died from her cancer). She was ill for 30 years and spent much of that time in and out of hospital and my dfather never once (to my knowledge!) strayed from his responsibilities to us dcs (and there are 5 of us) nor to my dm.

I met dp last spring - we were very attracted to each other, we've been away together and we really like each other and before Xmas, we had spoken a lot about what a long term future together would look like.

But suddenly after Xmas, he started getting really ill (sick). He went to the doctor who didn't know what it was and it culminated in him being rushed to hospital. This has happened twice now and ended up in him having a v long operation. The only thing he has told me about the operation is that it isn't cancer. He does not want me to visit him. He messages me every single day, chats in a lovely way (not for long but on and off throughout the day) and every day we set up a time to meet but when the time comes, he pulls out. I now haven't seen him since Xmas. I have tried talking to him but he ducks out of the conversations. I am thinking

1. It's something embarrassing and he doesn't want to see me or tell me
2. He is genuinely still recovering and I need to give him some time but i'm hurt he doesn't want to see me (though also do appreciate that when you're ill that can be tricky, but I suspect other people are seeing him)
3. He is just not that interested in me any more

Problem is I don't want to assume it's 3 and destroy this opportunity as it really was so good when we were together properly. He has told me he is feeling very very fragile but of course, because he won't actually tell me what is going on, I'm in the dark. I'm just wondering how much longer I should be patient for....or should I just push it and risk pushing him too far when he's obviously not feeling great?

Totally bizarre.

I'd walk away now. (BUt I'd also want to know what's up with him!)

So, after a year, he doesn't trust you enough to tell you what a very long operation was for???

How long does he expect you to wait for him?

Give him an ultimatum: 'either you trust me enough to tell me what happened and let me see you, or you don't, and we're finished.'

Whatever illness he has ( doesn't matter what illness) you either support that person or walk away. Suggest you set a deadline and if you get no further walk away. I have family and friends who had illnesses and I've supported, but they have told me about their illness.

But if he’s not letting her see him, and it’s been weeks now, what does he gain from stringing OP along?

Wouldn’t he have just taken the option to end it on the basis he’s not offering her a proper relationship?

OP, I think your weekend deadline is the sensible approach.

hi all, sorry been busy at work.

So I spoke to him on the phone and he's incredibly unwell. He picked up an infection in the hospital and he's been going in every 2 days for them to check him.

He cried on the phone, I think he's incredibly low and ashamed of his appearance. He said he's finding it hard to wash and he's pretty sure he smells from vomiting all the time. He has no energy as he's struggling to eat. I told him I didn't care about any of that.

It's a tough one as I think he does have some form of PTSD/mental health issue from the emergency op. He has never been in hospital before so I think this has all come as a massive shock as has just not recovering immediately.

I don't think he wants me to see him like this, I don't think he wants anyone to see him like this. Will make a call at the end of the weekend and take it from there. Thanks for all your replies.

I wouldn't be planning a future with someone who can't share and trust me. It's not like you met last week. He needs to let you in, think about whether or not you both want to continue, or have a break and rethink later. You can't just be held at arms length. Sounds like it was good to speak and make proper contact. Of course he is traumatiseed and needs sensitivity but withdrawing is not a permanent option.
Think carefully if you want to take this on and move forward alone or with him but don't be left hanging

I would just go and see him anyway. Once you see him he might be ok with further visits. Good luck

He should be willing to tell you exactly what the operation was. If he is not then suspicions remain.

Call his friend? V vague - not to say what the “issue” is. Maybe it MH? Overdose ? breakdown? Addiction lapse?

if you want to be with him and you're VERY sure he's not married/mugging you off (not enough information here for us to judge, imo)

then tough love is called for

Tell him very bluntly: I will not leave you for being ill, for being depressed, for smelling or looking bad because of illness. I will, however, leave you if you shut me out, refuse to communicate with me and deny me the opportunity to be there for you, support you and be part of your life while you cope with a serious illness -- if you won't let me share your life, whatever is happening in it, then we're not in a relationship. So give yourself a shake, do some thinking and call me tomorrow to let me know which it is.

So did you ask him where he is staying? I can't comprehend how passive you are being. If he really is that ill, who is looking after him ? How is he getting to the hospital so regularly? I'm sorry but I don't believe anything he is telling you.

Have you done any video calls? Shared photos? Have you ever been to his shared flat?

If he's that ill he should be back in hospital while they treat his infection. It all sounds very strange. Have you considered just showing up at his place to see for yourself?

Go round and visit
You have zero evidence that anything he says is true.
You dont even know if he was really in hospital..and which illness means you go back and forth to hospital ? Unless it is cancer . or severe mental health day unit

Have you ever been to his house OP?

@cestlavielife if you require evidence of everything he says being true, you will never be able to hold down a relationship. That's not realistic

@WingsofNylon you say the OP is being very passive, but perhaps you mistake kind reasonableness for passiveness? It is possible to be reasonable and not a pushover.

My DFIL picked up an infection in hospital. He was very unwell so DP and I went round to take care of him.

Turned out he had gastro.

For the next few days both myself and DP has gastro too. It was absolutely hideous. We were fighting over the sink and toilet for 3 days. Even after the three days we were still sick and unable to eat.

No way would we have wanted visitors, I wouldn’t have wished gastro on my worst enemy.

What's gastro? He's been in hospital for months apparently.

Am interested to find out the result as this has clearly been a difficult time for both of you in very different ways!

Illness can be embarrassing and men (not wishing to generalise but I do work as a nurse) typically find it difficult to display themselves as vulnerable especially when their health affects their physicality.

I think you are very lovely and patient for waiting it out. It has surely been an incredibly difficult time for you in limbo. It sounds like you have wanted to take care of him but he has just shut you out.

It is good to hear he doesn't want to lose you though. If you really like him you should hang in there. Let him know he doesn't have to be ashamed of his illness and you will support him no matter what.

I think you have the right idea just doing what you're doing. Stay strong, he needs support right now but you need support too x

I agree with ladyljc. It's silly to impose "conditions" on someone who is in such a state. While of course it is possible that he is faking the whole thing for obscure reasons of his own, it also seems perfectly possible that he is indeed wretchedly ill, in which case his behaviour is perfectly understandable IMO. Have a bit of compassion people! It's only been a few weeks.

When they are as ill as that, I don't think most people can really edit their behaviour and feelings towards anyonesomeone else, however much they care about them.

'Patient' is applied to the wrong party imo - it's the rest of us who need to be patient, until the ill person's horizons can once again extend beyond their immediate condition

I wonder if she found out