In sickness and in health but when does it end?

[TiredStew]

Have nc as some of my family know i post on here! I might have slightly skewed views on this because my dfather was my dm carer her whole life (until she died from her cancer). She was ill for 30 years and spent much of that time in and out of hospital and my dfather never once (to my knowledge!) strayed from his responsibilities to us dcs (and there are 5 of us) nor to my dm.

I met dp last spring - we were very attracted to each other, we've been away together and we really like each other and before Xmas, we had spoken a lot about what a long term future together would look like.

But suddenly after Xmas, he started getting really ill (sick). He went to the doctor who didn't know what it was and it culminated in him being rushed to hospital. This has happened twice now and ended up in him having a v long operation. The only thing he has told me about the operation is that it isn't cancer. He does not want me to visit him. He messages me every single day, chats in a lovely way (not for long but on and off throughout the day) and every day we set up a time to meet but when the time comes, he pulls out. I now haven't seen him since Xmas. I have tried talking to him but he ducks out of the conversations. I am thinking

1. It's something embarrassing and he doesn't want to see me or tell me
2. He is genuinely still recovering and I need to give him some time but i'm hurt he doesn't want to see me (though also do appreciate that when you're ill that can be tricky, but I suspect other people are seeing him)
3. He is just not that interested in me any more

Problem is I don't want to assume it's 3 and destroy this opportunity as it really was so good when we were together properly. He has told me he is feeling very very fragile but of course, because he won't actually tell me what is going on, I'm in the dark. I'm just wondering how much longer I should be patient for....or should I just push it and risk pushing him too far when he's obviously not feeling great?

Might he have had a bowel operation and now have a stoma bag? He knows he has to tell you about it for your relationship to resume, but can't get up the courage?

Just a thought.

PS, My DP had a stoma bag for a while, took a bit of getting used to but after that it was fine!

Sadly I think you should just cut your losses and try to move on. This is very odd behaviour on his part, and how will you ever trust him not to pull something like this again in the future? I can't think of anything that would be so embarrassing that you wouldn't tell your partner what it was.

If he is back in the family home being cared for by his ex, after almost a year of you being together then this is something he should be able to share with you, and if he feels he can't it sounds like he doesn't want to share his life fully with you. It really sucks, but you must protect yourself.

I don’t believe a word of it.

I suspect he’s mugging you off, OP.

Maybe he has a long-term/bad prognosis and is trying to distance himself so that you don't feel bound to the "in sickness and in health" thing?

Every person that I know who has been ill in hospital has wanted support from their family and close friends. You seemed to have been close to him. I would give him one more chance to meet up and end it, if he cannot meet and tell you the full story about what has happened. People do not joke about serious illness.

Candycane that was my first thought too

I think the best thing (only thing?) you can do is just spell out all of your concerns. Be extremely direct with him. Tell him that this situation is now beginning to ring alarm bells and it's looking increasingly likely that either he's not ill at all and the whole thing is a fabrication, or that actually he is married or in another relationship and is keeping you away because his DP/DW is at his bedside. See what he's got to say for himself.

Assuming he is ill and you're not the unwitting OW, he is not treating you fairly. It's shit when you're unwell, but he's kept you dangling for a month now and that's not on. There's no excuse for it.

This is very odd.

But from what you have said he has had either something life changing and is trying to deal with it (ie. stoma bag or big open wound etc) or he is getting all the support he needs from elsewhere (sounds like his ex is the helping perhaps)?

If its life changing, he might be still getting his head around how that will impact on a new relationship. He might be worried you won't hang around. Do you know if he was in intensive care? This is relevant because after something so major people can develop PTSD or other issues surrounding having your mortality threatened (I was an ICU nurse).

I think you need to have a very honest chat with him and say you can't keep hanging on without an explanation of what is happening.

After a month of not seeing him I would tell him that either we meet for a chat about it or we finish. This is no way to treat anyone.

Giving him the benefit of all doubts, he may be thinking, oh I just need to get over this and then we can restart our lovely relationship that we had before this happened, and forget all about it. neither of you can do that. You'll be forever wondering about it for a start.

Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who'd had major surgery, didn't want to see me, and wouldn't tell me what was going on.

Its all bullshit.
Hes lying
Fantasists do exist sadly
Ive had one :(

I would wonder if he is ill at all.

Reading this makes me want to shake OP. Ffs pick up the phone and demand answers. How would it not come up where he is?

Id think he was making it all up!

He sounds like a total Walter Mitty.

Did you ever go to his flatshare?

I reckon he had split up with his wife, has now got back together with her and is stringing you along for his own ego.

Illness sounds like complete bullshit.

He's married and stringing you along.. Wife has cottoned on so he's cooled it until he can start sneaking away again. WAKE UP!

Arent there only two logical possibilities? Firstly that he is with someone else (maybe his previous partner) and that is why he doesnt want to see you. Or secondly it is something he finds embarrassing such as a stoma, in which case that would probably be a sign that he couldnt share really personal stuff with you, which after being together a while now, is not a great sign in your relationship.

No idea which it is, but I've been on the receiving end of the former.

You haven't seen him since Christmas, you don't know where he's living, or with whom, in fact you're not sure whether he's possibly married to someone else! This isn't a relationship OP, it's a farce and I suggest you tell him that you can't live like this and whatever it is (or isn't), it's over.

Mmmmm lots of anomalies in his story. It doesn’t really add up. I’m afraid he’s not your partner; he’s someone you know. The only way to know for certain is to talk to him.
Can you call instead of texting and ask specifically what surgery he had? Can you now go and see him at his home as if he’s had major abdominal surgery he’ll still be off work.
I’d brace myself for him living a bit of a double life, I think.

Have you ever been to his place, sorry if I have missed this but now I am too interested in what is going on.

This sounds nuts to me... and my partner says the same thing. Who wouldn't want their partner with them in hospital? Regardless of what it is that's wrong. Nothing is embarrassing enough to override love - and if it is, then the love isn't enough. Sounds very odd to me. I'd be devastated if I were u op. My thoughts are with u... let us know how it pans out

Don't like the sound of this.
Have you asked him what the illness is?
What reason does he give when he pulls out of meeting up?
What did he say when you asked him what the operation was?

He could be with someone else - ie. you are the OW (without you knowing that).
It could be something embarrassing or something that is going to affect his sex life from now on.
Either way, it's not good. If he is with someone else he's a shit who has been stringing you along and the illness has meant he is unable to sneak away to see you.
And if it is an embarrassing illness and he is unable to communicate with you about this after having been together nearly a year, there is little hope for the relationship anyway as things come up all the time that are difficult to talk about and deal with.

I'd be telling him that you can't go on without seeing him without some kind of reasonable explanation as to what his health problem is and that you think you should split and he can contact you again when he is an position to resume the relationship should he so wish (but you can't guarantee you won't have moved on by then). Do not sit around waiting for him -if you meet someone else meanwhile then so be it.

I was thinking stoma bag too.