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Original poster

Paranoid or right!?

65 replies

bushka123 · 28/01/2019 16:54

Hi! I just need advice.

About a year ago I found out my boyfriend was talking to a girl from work, I never see any messages it was only that my gut feeling was so strong I messaged her and she comfirmed they speak, but as friends. But he denied this for a long time then finally admitted they spoke, on text and Facebook... I still to this day haven’t seen any messages, turns out she was texting other boys hat worked there too but my boyfriend says they was “a group of friends” at the workplace. That subject is not discussed anymore between us, as it was over a year ago.

Now he’s in a new job, in a warehouse but there are offices in a different room but all run by the same company, when he started I asked if any girls worked there and he said “no, it’s a warehouse why would there be” then 10 months down the line I finds out there is a girl in the offices, he admits it and says he didn’t tell me cause he thought I would have gone mad like the last time, thinking he’s doing something. He said he’s spoke to her at work only and only when they’re making a drink or cross paths and say hello. I’m so paranoid he’s doing the same thing as before and I can’t get it out my mind, she has a boyfriend and I haven’t spoke to her before or see her but the fact he lied there was a girl there causes concern. His passenger car seat is always in a different position and he hates he subject of her being brought up, I dont know if it’s me being paranoid cause of last time or I’m right. Help 

OP posts:
MumsyJ · 28/01/2019 17:02

Sorry OP this is first hand paranoia. Give the poor lad a break. What would you have done if he worked in a school? This isn't fair on him.

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 17:03

I haven't spoke to him about this in detail, the last conversation we had was him admitting a girl does work there. He lied for months, and also deleted messages from previous girl a year ago. I'm bound to be concerned.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/01/2019 17:21

No trust= no relationship. End your misery (and undoubtedly his) and break up now (it’s you, not him).

Get a grip. You can not expect him to exist in a bubble. You can not expect him to not talk to other employees who happen to be women...that would be a ridiculous hurdle for all women in the workplace. And what if his boss was a woman? Would you insist he change jobs? (Correct answer: no.)

You are expecting him to cheat. Why are you investing your time on someone like that? Whether he would or not seems immaterial to you. Whether he has or not seems immaterial to you.

Keeping on hammering this obsessive expectation will turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy:you will drive him away. No one likes to be wrongly accused.

Redglitter · 28/01/2019 17:27

If you want to keep this relationship you need to get a grip and sort out your paranoia. You cant expect him not to interact with other females. I expect your over reaction is exactly why he never told you. I cant believe you actually texted someone to ask if she was in contact with him.

If my partner behaved like this id dump him. You need to trust him

baileys6904 · 28/01/2019 17:29

Sorry OP, can only reiterate previous opinions.

You have to accept that your other half will be in close proximity to other women. Unless he has the looks of David Beckham with the voice of David ginola, a) not every woman will fancy him anyway, but more importantly b) he's in a relationship with you.

Until you start appreciating at least one of these statements (I'll give u a clue, not everyone fancies David beckham) you are always going to struggle in this relationship and you know what, he probably will tell what he'll consider white lies, to avoid the arguments he knows is coming).

I think you need to focus on yourself and your self esteem and happiness more that who he works with. I presume this has come from past experience but you can't let that dictate your future.

PatriciaHolm · 28/01/2019 17:30

You can't seriously expect him to either never work with a woman, or never talk to one he happens to work with?

You do sound completely paranoid I'm afraid. Are you normally like this in relationships?

spotsoddsocks · 28/01/2019 17:32

What would you have said or done if his response was 'yes girls work there'. Tell him to quit? Why are you so paranoid about him just being in the same room as another women? Out or curiosity how old are you? You sound like a jealous school girl.

Boysandbuses · 28/01/2019 17:36

He sounds like if he admits the truth you will cause a problem.
Why did he leave his last job.

I lied like your boyfriend. I had to deny I had a 1-2-1 with my boss because he was male. Ext was paranoid and it destroyed our marriage.

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 17:36

The entire reason he lies to you is because you're paranoid and utterly unrealistic. It's easier for him to lie to have a quiet life because he's almost certainly not up to anything and thus he sees it as a "victimless crime". I feel sorry for him.

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 17:42

when he started I asked if any girls worked there

I can't decide if you're 16, very ill, or both. If somebody asked me that (unless maybe they were a diversity officer), I'd be out the door so quickly, your head would spin.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2019 17:45

How old are you ?

MMmomDD · 28/01/2019 18:16

I can only say - OMG....
If I were your bf - i’d be gone a long time ago.
How do you let him leave the house? What if he sees them females on the streets..

BellaFreckle1 · 28/01/2019 18:21

I feel for you OP.

I met my OH at work and we’re in a great relationship. I love him to death and trust him with my life but it wasn’t always like that.

He previously dated a girl in our office, albeit only for a few months and they remained friends afterwards and would be chatty and flirty (on her part) in my company. It was really uncomfortable for me given I had to actually sit in an office with it.

My advice to you would be, unless you have absolute proof that your OH is doing the dirty, let him be. He is probably terrified to tell you a girl works in the office out of fear that you’ll go crazy/be paranoid/accuse him etc. I know it’s really hard but if you want your relationship to work then you need to let this go. Remember, it’s you he’s coming home to every night.

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 18:27

I'm 23 years old. The past experience I had with him when he was messaging that woman from his other job, it went on for 4 months and allessages here deleted regularly, that's what caused alarm bells for me, I never saw those messages so I stil don't know tot his day what was said. Like I said, I've never accused him or argued with him over this I've only ever asked him if there's anyone of our age that works there, yes I understand it's ridiculous and unrealistic but shocking to you all I don't control him, he has his own life and I'm just trying to go the best way I can with this without jumping to anything, I just want some help as I'm trying to get advice first, he left his last job because he was there through an agency and it wasn't permanent, it wasn't cause of me if that's what you're thinking.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 18:30

I never saw those messages so I stil don't know tot his day what was said

He's allowed privacy. You don't have a right to read his every conversation.

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 18:33

He deleted them at the time he was speaking to her and I didn't know, if he had nothing to hide or wasn't speaking to her in that way wouldn't he just leave them on his phone? Then I'd see they're just friends and I'd have nothing to say about it

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 28/01/2019 18:36

Why do you think you have the right to see his messages?

(Clue: you don't.)

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 18:36

He might have been having a private conversation.

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 18:41

That's fine, but I don't see why it has to go as far as having her number to text her when he's going to see her at work everyday

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 18:43

Is he allowed men's numbers?

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 18:46

Not a problem, it's not a problem to have a woman or girls number either it's when he's hiding things deliberately that's the problem. It went on for months and I never saw him text her so surely he sneakily went off and done this?

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 28/01/2019 18:48

Quite possibly he was up to no good, and maybe even still is, but this paranoia is unhealthy for you. You are so young, why live like this? Start afresh and leave the paranoia behind.

ChrisPrattsFace · 28/01/2019 18:49

When he started the job you asked if any girls worked there? Seriously?
Doesn’t this tell you all you need to know about the trust in the relationship, I would end it and avoid the paranoia/heartache.

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 18:49

He's hiding it because you ask stuff like "do girls work in your office". You've got yourself in a bad cycle of hiding and mistrust, he feels like he can't be honest with you because you're a green eyed monster. Set him free, have some counseling, play again when you're able to deal with people having a private life.

Original poster
bushka123 · 28/01/2019 18:51

I've spoke plenty of times to him that maybe it's better for us not to be together as it isn't fair on either of us and he won't leave

OP posts:
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