Paranoid or right!?

[bushka123]

Hi! I just need advice.

About a year ago I found out my boyfriend was talking to a girl from work, I never see any messages it was only that my gut feeling was so strong I messaged her and she comfirmed they speak, but as friends. But he denied this for a long time then finally admitted they spoke, on text and Facebook... I still to this day haven’t seen any messages, turns out she was texting other boys hat worked there too but my boyfriend says they was “a group of friends” at the workplace. That subject is not discussed anymore between us, as it was over a year ago.

Now he’s in a new job, in a warehouse but there are offices in a different room but all run by the same company, when he started I asked if any girls worked there and he said “no, it’s a warehouse why would there be” then 10 months down the line I finds out there is a girl in the offices, he admits it and says he didn’t tell me cause he thought I would have gone mad like the last time, thinking he’s doing something. He said he’s spoke to her at work only and only when they’re making a drink or cross paths and say hello. I’m so paranoid he’s doing the same thing as before and I can’t get it out my mind, she has a boyfriend and I haven’t spoke to her before or see her but the fact he lied there was a girl there causes concern. His passenger car seat is always in a different position and he hates he subject of her being brought up, I dont know if it’s me being paranoid cause of last time or I’m right. Help 

I get the texting thing from before, and the deleting of them as he went does sound suspicious. I'm assuming he doesn't have an empty inbox because he deleted all his conversations. But speaking as someone who's DH has had, and admitted to an EA (at least) you either need to deal with that, accept it and build on you as a couple from here, or part ways and accept that you can't. Otherwise the bitterness will grow and you won't work out.

As for the current one, it sounds like the first instance has made you paranoid. There's not many industries that have NO women in. That's what diversity laws are for. To ensure a balanced work force. You won't get through the next 60 years without him coming into contact with other women. If you worry they are all going to be a threat and can't get passed that, move on now. You're so young, you can have such a healthier relationship with someone you trust.

Thank you needsomebottle, I'm just not sure how to go about this. He's the only person I've ever truly loved and it's hard to just walk away, I know it would be for the best but I just feel like I'm stuck

Op, you sound very young. Trust me you won’t be the only female in your partner’s life.

My husband works with lots of women. In fact he’s in a department of 4 other women and just one other man. My husband gets along with all his colleagues well and even gasp, texts them after work hours.

I wouldn’t have even questioned his work friendships or who he speaks to. I’m glad he has people he likes to work with 8 hours a day. I’ve met all of my DH’s colleagues and they are lovely!

Likewise I work in a department with 5 men and just 2 more women. I get on amazingly with my colleagues and I’m not planning on sleeping with any of them.

You need to either trust you boyfriend or leave. It’s one thing being suspicious that he’s cheating...but to be suspicious he’s working with a female or talking to a female is ridiculous.

That is of course if this thread is even serious, because quite frankly the original question is quite daft.

My original question was to ask if anyone thinks I'm probably paranoid from the previous time, or if he is probably that sort of person to not care. He's only 20 years old, I'm 23 so he's younger and more likely to be unfaithful

so he's younger and more likely to be unfaithful

A bit of an ad hominem argument.

Are you living together ?

What? If you think being young means more likely to be unfaithful you're in for a shock as you get older!

If you want to leave him then do so. Could you move back to your parents?

I live with my sister, he practically stays here every night and has done for the past year. I'm not saying all young people cheat but I don't know how grown up in his mind he is, I was friends with him before we was in a relationship. He was very sleazy, with all girls at school and outside of school

Op, just to also say, I delete all my messages all of the time. Immediately.
I delete messages from my mum, siblings, friends...everyone. I just keep the messages from my husband and child...they’re special.
I read, reply, delete.
My phone is like my house...obsessively neat and minimal. Once you’re in the habit of deleting messages, you do it automatically and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything/

Who pays the mortgage/rent ?

Why would you want to be with a man you describe as sleazy?

Move on and find someone you feel is worth your trust.

"I've decided I no longer want to be in a relationship. I've packed up your things and will drop them back at your parents. I won't be responding to any messages, best to have a clean break."

Then get some help for your insecurity issues.

He doesn't pay rent if that's what you mean, I've sat down with him plenty of times and told him I understand I have insecurity issues, I'm paranoid and whatever else, I've told him it's best if we're apart cause we don't work and i feel it isn't going to get better, and he just won't leave he begs to stay and don't want to be apart from me. He was sleazy in the past but I don't know if he's still got that in him, I love him also, it's so hard

Your bar seems very low and your boundaries non existent

He "won't leave" although he has no stake in the house ? He will have to (if you tell him to). And a sleazy fucker that hangs around outside schools is the best you could do ?

Deary me.

No I'm saying when he was in secondary school himself he was very sleazy with all he girls in his year and his friends when he wasn't in school

Oh my Christ, he's sponging off you too

Pitiful. You really need to learn your worth, love. And it isn't this.

You don't get to the "please can I stay" part because you don't have him in the house again. Does he have things there? Where does he officially live?

He has a few things here, he drives and lives about 15 minutes away from me so not far, he will leave if I have to go to the lengths of "making" him go or arguing but I don't want it to go that far

If your going to forgive him you have to forget. Its not fair on anyone to make yourself miserable if your going to be paranoid about this for the rest of your life even though you have supposedly moved on from it

I'm 23 too and I haven't acted like this once in my relationship. I have boy friends that I sometimes message, and he has girl friends too. Its no big deal. Your boyfriend probably didn't tell you about the girl in the warehouse because he knew you'd react like a jealous and controlling girlfriend

Sort your mindset out or do your boyfriend a favour and split up with him before you make him miserable

Oh and my boyfriend is also younger than me so don't try and use excuses like that for your controlling behaviour

Sorry to be harsh but you need to hear it

I'm not accusing him of anything, I'm stating i am worried. He lies quite a lot about various things, he's sly with his phone, I don't go on it but if he wants to go on it he will walk out the room etc... yes my behaviour is clearly wrong but he does add to it

People don’t change, so how long did you want to put up with his secretive behaviour for then?
You’re young, no ties and with a future ahead of you. Did you want to end up 35, 2-3 kids and still feeling this way?
The more you post, the less of a catch he sounds.

What else does he lie about?

Please understand that his begging to stay and proclamations to not want to be apart from you is just a script of acting to keep the conveniences you have provided (not just sex). It is called lip service. It is a lie. It is a manipulation.

No means no. This is not open to debate. You do not need his validation for your decision. Kick him out and don’t look back.

Yup, this relationship is never going to work. You don't trust him, and he gives you reasons to be suspicious, whether there is actually anything going on or not.

And he's sponging off you - so of course he doesn't want this good thing to end. That's what he's protecting, by the way.

Find your strength, tell him it's over, and don't listen to his squeaking.

Then spend some time on your own and work on improving your self esteem, boundaries, and expectations, before you go into another relationship.

I know this feels like a true great love at the moment... but you will look back at this and laugh once you see it clearly for what it really is.