Paranoid or right!?

[bushka123]

Hi! I just need advice.

About a year ago I found out my boyfriend was talking to a girl from work, I never see any messages it was only that my gut feeling was so strong I messaged her and she comfirmed they speak, but as friends. But he denied this for a long time then finally admitted they spoke, on text and Facebook... I still to this day haven’t seen any messages, turns out she was texting other boys hat worked there too but my boyfriend says they was “a group of friends” at the workplace. That subject is not discussed anymore between us, as it was over a year ago.

Now he’s in a new job, in a warehouse but there are offices in a different room but all run by the same company, when he started I asked if any girls worked there and he said “no, it’s a warehouse why would there be” then 10 months down the line I finds out there is a girl in the offices, he admits it and says he didn’t tell me cause he thought I would have gone mad like the last time, thinking he’s doing something. He said he’s spoke to her at work only and only when they’re making a drink or cross paths and say hello. I’m so paranoid he’s doing the same thing as before and I can’t get it out my mind, she has a boyfriend and I haven’t spoke to her before or see her but the fact he lied there was a girl there causes concern. His passenger car seat is always in a different position and he hates he subject of her being brought up, I dont know if it’s me being paranoid cause of last time or I’m right. Help 

He literally lies about the tiniest things he don't need to lie about, he lies about what he buys, he tells his parents things that they end up telling me that I knew nothing about, things I had spoken to him about in the past that he denied, what he has for lunch at work, (stupid isn't it), I've asked why he tells such white lies and he says "because you'll find a way to cause an argument about it" what? About what you have for lunch? Seriously? That's over the top. Its having the courage to leave, I don't want to go through heartbreak, even though I know this relationship is dead I am so in love with him under all this crap. I know you're all right, thank you everyone for your advice! I really appreciate it and I know I need help also, just dont know where to turn I feel stupid

I don't think the relationship is dead, but I think you need to recognise how this paranoia is eating away at it, and try to resolve it before it does kill things off.
My OH works in an office filled with women. He texts them and has female friends. I have never checked his phone and never felt the need to. However because he knows he can talk about his colleagues, he's quite open with who's saying what, or conversations that have been had, and is comfortable knowing I won't kick off. And because he's open, by default I feel more secure.
Work on yourself, start to trust him, stop giving him a hard time for no reason and let him learn he can open up. It'll either make or break you

because you'll find a way to cause an argument about it

The fact that he had to tell you that suggests at one point you've nitpicked over what he had for lunch. Think hard about that one rather than dismissing it as stupid.

I feel bad for the poor guy. Being in a relationship like that at only 20yo...

He probably loves you and that’s why he hasn’t yet walked away.
But to walk on egg shells all the time...
Never knowing what will trigger you...
Trying to invent stories that will hopefully keep you from having another episode of ‘truth’ seeking, and failing all the time.
It must be exhausting.

Really, OP. You need to let him go and heal. And you need to sort yourself out. Or your future relationships will suffer too.

At first I thought Paranoid, but from your revelation about the extent of his lies, no: you are right. Perhaps not right-he is cheating; but right- you can not trust him.

Do you see how he has set this up? He does a little secret dance with his phone that would be noticed by anyone. You kick off-rightly so. The asking about the presence of women at work was over the top but it played right into his game. He lied and justified it based on your behavior. That’s a precedent that he is getting a lot of mileage from...end result is he is not accountable to you (or your relationship) and you carry the responsibility for his behavior.

And also...if you don’t kick off at the secret phone dance, then hey ho-green light go. He can’t lose; you can’t win.

@baileys6904 I've tried to hard multiple times to keep my mouth shut about things that make me paranoid, I try not to bring things up, and I try to let things go... but my mind won't stop thinking, what if he's doing this? What if he's doing that? It's like somehow I don't want to miss an opportunity to find out if he's doing something. Also you say he will open up more if I give him reason to by not doing these things, but the situation where he was messaging that woman a year ago, he lied about that when I gave him no reason to, that was the first time he ever did anything like that and I wasn't the paranoid mess I am now, but he still couldn't open up to me. I don't know how to change this

You sound a bit unhinged tbh

It feels like me and my mind are two separate people, I can recognise that situations I think could be dodgy are probably not and I'm over thinking, but then my mind will convince me there definatley is something. I don't know how to get out of this mind set I really don't

@andthebandplayedon can you give me a made up scenario of how this could happen so I can recognise?

Reframe it. You could never leave your house because you might get mugged or run over. It's true, you might, but living in a state of constant overthinking means you have no life. If he cheats on you, dump him. Worrying about it all the time and ruining your relationship isn't helping matters.

However as you've been drip-feeding, it sounds like you just need to split up and both work on yourselves.

@showmeshoyu I see, but if he cheated i guess I'm scared of heartbreak, knowing I wasn't good enough

If you're asking questions like if he works with women, then he will clam up. And to be fair, his age will affect that too.

It's not just about you keeping your mouth shut, it's about believing that, until u know for sure otherwise, he is trustworthy and committed and nothing to worry about. If you work on yourself and believing in your own self worth, may be you'll realise that

@baileys6904 I see, I'm not too sure how to work on my self, are there any teqnuiques or things I can do to boost my self esteem and self worth? I done counselling for a whole year a couple of years back, but it didn't work for me unfortunately

I'm scared of heartbreak, knowing I wasn't good enough

Is that really any worse than your constant state of hypervigilance?

Imho, you are over invested in this relationship. The intoxicating dream of “happily ever after” being snatched away may hurt and be a heartbreak...but that is temporary.

Much better to endure that short term change than endure miserable dynamics that can have negative effects on your health, mental and physical (even from just the stress) which could take years to recover from.

Trust your gut. If it is right you will feel a certain kind of contentment that has trust and respect ...and then love as well. This relationship you have now isn’t right. Your gut is screaming at you to bring your attention to this fact. You do not need proof. You do not need the vocabulary to enunciate it. It just feels wrong. You don’t need to know why or have reasons to end a relationship. It just isn’t working for you. That is the time to be selfish- this is the good kind of selfish for your own self preservation.

showme ‘s example is a good way to look at the scope of attention (some) things warrant. Generally, don’t worry about it until it happens. To lessen the effects of car crashes we wear seat belts and observe driving rules. For relationships the seat belts are our boundaries and the rules are based on what you are looking for in a partner-not melding your existence into his no matter what that may be.