Non-bio mum issues with MIL

[SarahAndQuack]

MIL has just visited for the weekend. I had a lot of quite minor irritations, which I can deal with by having a quick rant with a friend and shrugging off, as she's always the same and seems unlikely to change. However, there's a bit of her behaviour that bothers me and I don't know what to do.

My DP is my DD's biological mother. MIL isn't homophobic in the typical sense (in fact DP is fairly sure she's bisexual herself), but since DD was small she has struggled with my role in DD's life. This visit, as usual, she referred to me as 'auntie' repeatedly (always making it out to be a slip-up, though I don't really believe it) and kept up a stream of low-level criticisms. At one point we ended up discussing my DP's sister, who's just separated from her husband and is working out arrangements for their son. MIL seems to believe her daughter gets to lay down the law and if her ex-husband doesn't like it, 'tough!' When DP left the room, MIL said to me that if we ever split up, 'I would have the baby'. I thought she meant she'd look after her, and although I thought it was a pretty nasty thing to say, I said yes, I'm sure you and my parents would both do lots for us. And she said no, she'd sue me (pointing her finger in my face) 'for custody' because the baby is her granddaughter.

There seems no point explaining to her this wouldn't happen, and that no one would ever give a grandmother custody over a perfectly functional parent, just because the grandmother is a biological relative. She's not big on explanations. And I didn't mention to my DP that she'd said it (though maybe I should).

But at what point do you think I should make a fuss about any of this? At the moment DD is nearly 2, and though she is a bit confused when MIL says 'auntie,' I doubt it matters much as she's equally confused by perfectly innocent things such as the fact my mum is 'granny' to her and 'mum' to me, or that her cousins have something called a 'daddy' who is also 'uncle So-and-So' to her. But at some point, it will start sinking in. And so will comments about suing for custody. Having heard MIL make similar comments to my SIL in the presence of her son (who is older), I don't think it's likely she will suddenly begin to self-censor.

Complicating this is the fact that my relationship with DP isn't wonderful (though I don't think MIL knows this, and certainly she doesn't know the extent of it), so separating is a real possibility. DP does quite often step in to correct some of MIL's comments, but I can't simply pretend we'll never split up.

I also don't even know what to say to MIL, if I did say anything.

Have you legally protected your parental rights?

Yes.

If I was you I would speak up then. What does your DD call you? Repeat, no I'm such and such every single time until she looks clearly deranged or malicious!

There are 2 issues here: first, how do you stand legally and second, what to do about your MILs comment.
This website discusses parental responsibility for same sex couples.
www.familylawpartners.co.uk/same-sex-parenting-and-the-law/
It clarifies the legal ramifications. As far as your MILs comments, as long as you're covered legally, then you need do nothing. But if you're not covered, you may need to act now!

I do repeat 'I'm mama' or 'it's mama' quite a bit, but she usually simply ignores me, or it confuses DD further.

She isn't remotely bothered about looking deranged or malicious. This is part of the problem - most of the normal conversational solutions people have don't work, because they assume a basic level of social awareness. She just doesn't have that, so far as I can see.

Cross post.

soon, I'm covered. I should have said in the OP - but as I did say there, what concerns me isn't the legal side. No one is going to give a grandmother custody in this situation. The only reason I can possibly imagine would be if I became an unfit parent.

The issue is that DD hears all of this stuff, and increasingly, she's going to start understanding it.

Wow what a horrible old crone she sounds.

How does your DP react to the auntie comments?

You correct her every time. 2 is an age where children start to understand relationships- why should your mil confuse that?
Obviously she is doolally but your dd needs clear outlines about who is who whilst she's defining the relationships in her life.

Good luck she sounds awful!

She's not my favourite person, no!

She's not even particularly old, as it happens, though. She's not 60 yet. Not that this makes a particular difference, but it's not as if she's elderly enough to make you think this behaviour might be the result of something like dementia.

Sorry, that was to slinky.

DP mostly ignores the 'auntie' comments; often she's not in the room, though. She says it's just a slip - and I disagree - but she sees it gets on my nerves.

Why is she welcome in your home? Your dp needs to correct her on these assumptions or she stops visiting. Your dd's well- being is the priority not some bat shit granny calling round.

Yeah, but my DP and I are not on perfect terms, so I'm limited in what I could require her/persuade her to do.

My DP thinks she's saying hurtful things, don't get me wrong. And she is generally relieved when her mother has gone, but then she works herself into a belief that next time, her mum will be pleasant and we'll all enjoy her visit.

If I said 'your mum cannot visit any more' I doubt I'd achieve anything except a huge row.

I don't even understand her comment - if you split wouldn't main care go to her daughter over her? Why would she think she would have the baby?

When my D.C. were babies my PILs started talking to me about Grandparents rights. I stomped on that immediately and made my position very clear.

It was the very first thing I mentioned to DH when he walked back through the door.

They have wisely never raised it again.

Your MIL is trying to undermine you you need to get your DP on board ASAP to deal with it.

If (heaven forbid) anything happens to your DP you need to be prepared for a fight.

There’s no need to go NC, you just need to deal with it.

NotANotMan - no idea either! Though actually that hadn't occurred to me until you said it.

miane, any suggestions?

That's incredibly offensive of her, and she's doing it deliberately of course.

If you challenge her and say that it isn't a "slip" and it's entirely deliberate, how does she respond?

(Though, NotaNot, thinking about it, I suspect were it to come to that, main care might go to me rather than my DP. I don't know if she would know that or whether it plays a role in what she said at all, though.)

Assass - I've never said 'that isn't a slip,' so I don't know. I have said 'could you not call me auntie?' and she looked elsewhere and ignored me, and I didn't follow up.

I could follow it up, I guess, but I'm trying to work out whether that's a worthwhile hill to die on, or whether I can somehow communicate to her that the whole situation is not on, and she's got to stop pushing at me.

What does your dp say about all this? Would she defend you?

Start calling her grandad, and see if it clicks in her brain that it may be bloody annoying to get the name wrong.

every time she says it, get PA, something like "Oh dear, granny is getting very forgetful dd, she thinks I'm your auntie instead of mama.
Mil, do you think you should see your gp, it's worrying

How absolutely awful for you OP. I'm glad that you are covered legally.

I'd have a frank conversation with your DP and discover where your relationship is going, and how much support she will give you regarding MIL.

Depending on what she says I'd either present a united front next time she visits and tell her she can behave or leave immediately, or go round to hers on my own and tell her very clearly where she stands legally and advise her that if she wants to challenge it in court she'd better start saving, and be prepared to lose.

Poor you

What Romany said. If she keeps on, perhaps you can get her some leaflets about dementia. You must be very concerned about her inability to remember who you are. Is she safe to drive?