Non-bio mum issues with MIL

[SarahAndQuack]

MIL has just visited for the weekend. I had a lot of quite minor irritations, which I can deal with by having a quick rant with a friend and shrugging off, as she's always the same and seems unlikely to change. However, there's a bit of her behaviour that bothers me and I don't know what to do.

My DP is my DD's biological mother. MIL isn't homophobic in the typical sense (in fact DP is fairly sure she's bisexual herself), but since DD was small she has struggled with my role in DD's life. This visit, as usual, she referred to me as 'auntie' repeatedly (always making it out to be a slip-up, though I don't really believe it) and kept up a stream of low-level criticisms. At one point we ended up discussing my DP's sister, who's just separated from her husband and is working out arrangements for their son. MIL seems to believe her daughter gets to lay down the law and if her ex-husband doesn't like it, 'tough!' When DP left the room, MIL said to me that if we ever split up, 'I would have the baby'. I thought she meant she'd look after her, and although I thought it was a pretty nasty thing to say, I said yes, I'm sure you and my parents would both do lots for us. And she said no, she'd sue me (pointing her finger in my face) 'for custody' because the baby is her granddaughter.

There seems no point explaining to her this wouldn't happen, and that no one would ever give a grandmother custody over a perfectly functional parent, just because the grandmother is a biological relative. She's not big on explanations. And I didn't mention to my DP that she'd said it (though maybe I should).

But at what point do you think I should make a fuss about any of this? At the moment DD is nearly 2, and though she is a bit confused when MIL says 'auntie,' I doubt it matters much as she's equally confused by perfectly innocent things such as the fact my mum is 'granny' to her and 'mum' to me, or that her cousins have something called a 'daddy' who is also 'uncle So-and-So' to her. But at some point, it will start sinking in. And so will comments about suing for custody. Having heard MIL make similar comments to my SIL in the presence of her son (who is older), I don't think it's likely she will suddenly begin to self-censor.

Complicating this is the fact that my relationship with DP isn't wonderful (though I don't think MIL knows this, and certainly she doesn't know the extent of it), so separating is a real possibility. DP does quite often step in to correct some of MIL's comments, but I can't simply pretend we'll never split up.

I also don't even know what to say to MIL, if I did say anything.

If she's visiting you in your home & behaving badly you have every right to challenge that, maybe phone her & say you'd like to discuss it? Lay down the ground rules & that you are the mum not Aunty, state your legal parental position & that you won't tolerate the conversations she's pursued & things she's said. You can't argue with facts, this does not need to be confrontational, you are allowed to request people behave well & respect you & your family unit in your home.

Sorry, went out to collect DD from nursery (and in a mo must do some work so will go silent again).

@mrsmuddlepies - I agree. My dad is, we think, in the early stages of dementia.

@pipotle - YY, I do have a DP problem. We aren't in a good place. However, when she got in from work today we did have a talk about this and she has agreed it's not a sustainable solution. I shall have to see how much that means!

@juneau You say she isn't homophobic, but her behaviour certainly suggests that she is. She is making it very clear that she does not consider your relationship with her DD to be on a par with a male/female partnership and that your relationship to your DD is 'lesser' than that of a biological parent (even though I'm guessing that you have formally adopted your DD and have full parental rights?)

She is the same with my SIL's male partner, though (that's why I included that in my OP). I think there is the issue that I am not the biological parent, but she is pretty awful to my ex-BIL too, and his is the bio parent. FWIW, no, DD isn't adopted; she was my legal daughter from the start, so there wasn't even a period when MIL might have seen me as having less status.

@Iamdanish - yes, sadly, I think you are right and she is very scared of losing them.

Oh, @miane, that sounds horrible! You sound like a very strong person. And yes, your DH sounds like a good and supportive partner, too. Thank you for the sympathies!

@mrsfrankdrebin - YY, that is exactly what I am worrying about! I am not being 'lovely' or 'nice' (or not intending to be, though I see people are saying it on this thread to indicate they don't mean to be harsh, and I appreciate that) - I am just being inactive because I don't quite know what to do. But I do worry if this goes on much longer it could be damaging. And, I am so sorry that happened to you.

I am in a same sex marriage and my wife is currently carrying our baby. If my mother in law delegitimised me as mother to this child my wife wouldn't ever have her in the house again.
She should be supporting you far more than she is!!! This is a horrible thing for MIL to be doing. Sounds like a serious conversation about why she isn't willing to back you needs to be had. Good luck

What am a vile woman. You need to speak to her and your DP and stress how confusing and damaging this can be to your child. Having two mums is still fairly unusual so it's even more important that the family is solid. That no doubt is placed in the child's mind about the love from both her parents. And that's apart from how hurtful they are to you. Tell your dp to imagine you'd carried your daughter and people were questioning her legitimacy as a parent.

I would not put up with this nor be quiet about it and wouldn't want my child around her unless she changed.

What am a vile woman. You need to speak to her and your DP and stress how confusing and damaging this can be to your child. Having two mums is still fairly unusual so it's even more important that the family is solid. That no doubt is placed in the child's mind about the love from both her parents. And that's apart from how hurtful they are to you. Tell your dp to imagine you'd carried your daughter and people were questioning her legitimacy as a parent.

I would not put up with this nor be quiet about it and wouldn't want my child around her unless she changed.

What am a vile woman. You need to speak to her and your DP and stress how confusing and damaging this can be to your child. Having two mums is still fairly unusual so it's even more important that the family is solid. That no doubt is placed in the child's mind about the love from both her parents. And that's apart from how hurtful they are to you. Tell your dp to imagine you'd carried your daughter and people were questioning her legitimacy as a parent.

I would not put up with this nor be quiet about it and wouldn't want my child around her unless she changed.

Well I hope for your BIL’s sake that your SIL is better at fending off her Mum’s crap than your DP is.

@goodmornin congratulations on your expected baby! And I'm sure your MIL won't be like this.

musti - YY, this is one of the things that I feel strongly about, that it's so important DD feels secure because it is still an unusual situation.

FWIW I talked to DP and she responded rather better than I had hoped, and DD spent ages going between us giving us little kisses (which actually means, holding her face up towards you and making a kiss noise, because she hasn't really figured it out yet). I really think she does realise something was wrong over the weekend and it bothered her.

changedname - well, since SIL has just split up with BIL it is a different situation.

Hello,

I'm really sorry you've been having MIL issues (she sounds awful) and relationship issues

It's really tough because they often go hand in hand. Difficult in-laws can put a real strain on the relationship, and if your partner is still in the FOG and not willing or able to put boundaries in place to protect you and your relationship, the whole thing can turn into a bit of a nightmare.

First things first - I suggest you read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward, and see if your partner would be open to reading "Toxic Parents" by the same author. They're excellent books, often recommended on here for good reason.

Secondly...
"And I didn't mention to my DP that she'd said it (though maybe I should)."
Yes you should! I advise telling your partner as calmly and factually as possible how her mother has behaved. It's no accident that she says these awful things when her daughter isn't in the room. Unfortunately, your partner might not believe you - she might not want to believe you, she might prefer to deny or minimise it. But you have to tell her.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about the relationship issues? I think that's what I'd want to focus on if I were you (although MIL obviously isn't helping!)

Cross post! Glad you talked to DP.
Your DD sounds adorable

Adoptive parent here. The equivalent for us is people who refer to their "real parents" or them as not our "real children". Or indeed ask what they call us .
I'd not be giving as many chances as you TBH. Talk to her every time about how it's bad for your DD. Not confusing, bad for her. It's upsetting and makes a child think they are worth less if they are not acknowledged as their parents' child.
(And if your DP isn't on board, firstly a chat about DD's welfare, then you need to just say I keep asking you not to do that).

You sound really diplomatic and level headed. Her behaviour is passive aggressive and immature. I understand what you're saying about the inability of hers to be logical or to be receptive on the end of a rational discussion. I had similar problems with my 'immature' MIL for a long time. Because she could never assert herself directly and always relied on passive ageessive digs and sulks/face pulling etc I pretended to be completely oblivious to it. I killed her with kindness. (it killed me to do it mind you!) I kept (almost passively aggressively) complimenting her and being sickly nice to her. I knew what she wanted was for me to blow up at her and cause a scene and she'd scurry down her hole playing the victim denying she'd ever done anything and it'd cause a big wedge between me and DH. I'd figured her out so I gave her the opposite of what she wanted. Now we have a genuinely good relationship but it took a hell of a lot of perseverance. Blimey sorry for the essay! Point being I don't think anything too direct will go in your favour. She's spoiling for a fight. She wants a rise. I'd play llassi e ageessive back I'm afraid... E. G when she refers to you as 'auntie' giggle/snort and say 'OK grandad' then swift conversation change 'is it meant to freeze tonight? Temperatures are meant to drop aren't they?' rinse and repeat. She'll be embarrasses into shutting the f up I bet on a serious note your legal rights are protected so you've no worries there. She talking out of her backside. I hope you manage to work out your relationship.

Meant to read passive aggressive not lassi e or whatever the auto correct typo was!!!

How upsetting OP. I know a few same sex couples with children and I can’t imagine anyone ever making a comment like this to them- absolutely horrible.

I agree to approach it from your daughters prospective. If this woman is an influence in her life, and you break up with your wife, I think there is a huge risk of psychological damage to your daughter if she’s saying things like this to her. She’s doing it on purpose and is trying to manipulate the situation. You are her parents, it would be very upsetting if she began to question that fact further down the line because of your vindictive MIL.

Good luck.