Why does this annoy me so much?!

[ColdAlaskanNights]

Fully prepared for the opinion to be split on this - a mixture of 'get over it' and 'I see why you're concerned' is likely to happen, but I'm mostly just wanting to get this off my chest and have a vent! Opinions, thoughts and personal experiences all welcome!

Yesterday afternoon, DH spent 4 hours in the loft (whilst I was downstairs with our two young DC's) getting it ready to become his 'man cave'. Now I should state from the off that I HATE that term. It makes me think of blokes that are trying to hide away from their wives and families, and would rather be holed up in some uni-esque looking room drinking beer and watching sports all alone. Anyway! The evening rolled around and it was time to get DC's to bed - we did so, DH then ate dinner and went up in to his new 'man cave' for another four hours, leaving me in the lounge on my own before I eventually got fed up and went to bed.

When he spoke of this man cave idea a few months back, he said it's a place for him to 'watch his tv shows and play games' - now, here's why I think I largely have an issue with this whole separate room thing - we enjoy different shows, but still, every single evening I tell him to put on what he wants, to open Netflix and watch the next season of that show he's been dying to catch up on, to stream the next wrestling episode online. I'm not some ogre that bans his shows, I'm constantly offering to watch what he wants to watch - we BOTH enjoy using the PlayStation so I rarely, if ever, complain about him using it - unless of course I'm being left to do ten tonne of housework on my own whilst he plays batman.. But evidently, he'd rather sit in a freezing cold loft with no heating, no natural light, no furniture and a grainy pixelated projector screen to view his shows on.

Im left feeling like this room is nothing more than an escape from me. If I had the choice between sitting on our sofas watching a 50" tv surrounded by lovely warmth and general home comforts, I wouldn't go and sit in a dark and cold loft on my own.

I know he's going to wind up spending Saturday and Sunday evenings up there, and I doubt it'll be long before a few week day evenings are spent up there too. After we've got the kids to bed, we have around two hours each day in which to properly see each other and talk, and I'm worried that this room is going to take away what little time what we have.

Is he hiding from me?

I don’t know if he is hiding. But its likey he is watching porn and wanking!!

If he moves a beer fridge in there is not hope!!

You need a woman cave, preferably a spar with a nice bar next door.

Joking aside it’s pretty crap. I guess you have to ask why he feels the need to hise away.

If it carries on I don't really see how your relationship will last. It wouldn't for me.

I wouldn't be surprised if he buys a mini fridge in all honesty.
I'm just really struggling to understand why he needs to 'watch his shows' up in the loft when I do my best to encourage him to put them on in the lounge even though I'm not a massive fan of the stuff he watches. He probably thinks he's doing me a favour by not making me watch his shit, but frankly, I'd rather watch a few episodes of a show I don't enjoy whilst having some adult company than be left entirely on my own all evening.

I'm sure it's not you he's escaping from, so much as family life, adult responsibilities etc. Which is still not great, but if I had the option of creating a book room into which I could disappear occasionally, I would do it like a shot.

I think it's worth a discussion about how he sees himself using the room, so he can be aware it's an occasional indulgence rather than his future way of life.

Porn, for sure!

If the loft is cold, is him having the loft hatch open not allowing the cold air to escape and make the bedrooms/bathroom/hall cold as well?

I would be very unimpressed with this arrangement !!!!

I know it will become an 'every weekend' thing with the potential for a few week nights creeping in too. If I knew it was gonna be say, every other Sunday, he'll disappear up there for several hours to recharge and relax I think I'd be feeling differently about this. But I know that won't be the case.

Funny you should say that @letsdolunch321 I actually said that exact same thing to him yesterday when he was sorting it all out, and he got mad at me for 'being negative' and said he wouldn't bother making the man cave......

I don't think this is about you either, it's simply about me time, and something he can call just his. I'm sure the novelty will wear off, but sometimes what he does isn't alll about you, sometimes it's about him.

A lot of people need their own space. Be it physical, mental or just time alone. For some it is uncompromising and if they have self awareness these people probably choose single living arrangements. For most days of us it is a carve out. As long as it is agreed with loved ones it’s fine.

I personally like spending time with DP but equally like to be on my own. That way I don’t have to deal with responses that never get above “I don’t mind” or “whatever you want”. This can be unhelpful and stressful. I would sit in an attic to avoid it. That’s me and I realise it might sound spikes. But it is very annoying trying to share space with that type of apathy and lack of decisiveness.

Going slightly against the grain here, I think you're making this a bigger issue than it needs to be.
Think about what would be acceptable to you and talk to him about it. You seem to have decided he's going to want to spend a lot of time up there but that may not be the case.

I quite often leave DH in the lounge and go to our spare room. Even though he's happy for me to watch my programmes with him, I don't enjoy them as much and can't cry if I want to without feeling silly. All I do in there is get comfy, watch tv and crochet / read / write (and eat nice things which I sometimes hide in there)! Nothing untoward, it's just nice to have some time and peace just for me.

Why don't you ask him?

He thinks he's a teenage lodger, doesn't he?

You are hardly being negative, he has said that so you feel bad.

Why do some men have these twatty ideas 🙄

because he is being a twat and going up to a loft for hours

But to be honest there is an air of you enabling him a little - he does what he wants anyway and then stomps and sulks when he doesnt get his own way

I know it will become an 'every weekend' thing with the potential for a few week nights creeping in too

But then only you can answer the question as to why he'd rather be alone up there than with you. We cannot guess as to the reason. If you think he'd rather be alone than with you, then you should have an understanding of why. Strangers on the Internet can't guess.

What did you say to him when he first mentioned wanting a space to be away from you and the kids

I get that some people need their own space - I do too! I'm home all day with a two year old and a one year old, doing all the housework and all the cooking, but I wouldn't choose to sit in a freezing, dark loft for 'me time'.

Getting a straight answer out of DH is like talking to a brick wall, that's why I kind of hoped some women on here might have husbands who disappear off to 'man caves' and what they might think it means

This would make me lawyer up frankly. At least he won't be there to see/hear/notice (that he's killed your marriage).

@SleepingStandingUp I don't remember saying too much - I think I said something along the lines of not seeing why he needs a separate room then not much else was said. I kind of assumed the plan would never follow through!

he has checked out then - does he do anything with the children or around the house

I would have the same opinion as you. Myself and DP have some similar interests in TV, but he likes football and I haven't any interest, but I let him watch it away while I read. Likewise if I want to watch something I do and he plays on his phone beside me. We don't see each other mush during the week so we don't go into different rooms at the weekend to watch TV.

If I were you, I would talk to your DH, and ask him can you make a deal, about how mush he is allowed up there, tell him you want to spend time with him, even if you have to watch his crappy shows and you don't want to grow apart from him. If he doesn't listen or has no interest then you have a problem.

Is there maybe something else going on? Trouble in work? Something that he needs distracting from?

Hopefully you can get it sorted but personally I would set some ground rules.

It comes across as a bit too secretive, a loft, being somewhere not accessible to you and the family. If it were a spare bedroom, it wouldn't seem so bad.

My dh has a seperate room downstairs where he watches his own shows and I watch mine in the living room I don’t see an issue with it tbh.

@Wallywobbles agreed! I think what this man has done is awful, I honestly don't know what else to say but him spending that amount of time up there already disgraceful and unbelievably disrespectful to you @ColdAlaskanNights.

I know we all need some 'me' time but it's hardly a fun games room, or comfortable film den is it. His biggest mistake frankly was being up there for so long, he sounds like a moron because he probably could have got away with it for a lot longer if he juat spent an hour up ther at a time or some such