Why does this annoy me so much?!

[ColdAlaskanNights]

Fully prepared for the opinion to be split on this - a mixture of 'get over it' and 'I see why you're concerned' is likely to happen, but I'm mostly just wanting to get this off my chest and have a vent! Opinions, thoughts and personal experiences all welcome!

Yesterday afternoon, DH spent 4 hours in the loft (whilst I was downstairs with our two young DC's) getting it ready to become his 'man cave'. Now I should state from the off that I HATE that term. It makes me think of blokes that are trying to hide away from their wives and families, and would rather be holed up in some uni-esque looking room drinking beer and watching sports all alone. Anyway! The evening rolled around and it was time to get DC's to bed - we did so, DH then ate dinner and went up in to his new 'man cave' for another four hours, leaving me in the lounge on my own before I eventually got fed up and went to bed.

When he spoke of this man cave idea a few months back, he said it's a place for him to 'watch his tv shows and play games' - now, here's why I think I largely have an issue with this whole separate room thing - we enjoy different shows, but still, every single evening I tell him to put on what he wants, to open Netflix and watch the next season of that show he's been dying to catch up on, to stream the next wrestling episode online. I'm not some ogre that bans his shows, I'm constantly offering to watch what he wants to watch - we BOTH enjoy using the PlayStation so I rarely, if ever, complain about him using it - unless of course I'm being left to do ten tonne of housework on my own whilst he plays batman.. But evidently, he'd rather sit in a freezing cold loft with no heating, no natural light, no furniture and a grainy pixelated projector screen to view his shows on.

Im left feeling like this room is nothing more than an escape from me. If I had the choice between sitting on our sofas watching a 50" tv surrounded by lovely warmth and general home comforts, I wouldn't go and sit in a dark and cold loft on my own.

I know he's going to wind up spending Saturday and Sunday evenings up there, and I doubt it'll be long before a few week day evenings are spent up there too. After we've got the kids to bed, we have around two hours each day in which to properly see each other and talk, and I'm worried that this room is going to take away what little time what we have.

Is he hiding from me?

Mine has a shed he goes to to listen to the football and drink. He has periods when he's down there lots, and times when he's not. It just depends. It's definitely not just for him, though, and I 'can' join him whenever I want (though I'm more comfortable on my sofa!). But people do assume it's a man-only place which it really isn't.

It might not be as bad as you fear. So long as he doesn't expect you to bring him up drinks, and deal with the children on your own.

My dh has a seperate room downstairs where he watches his own shows and I watch mine in the living room I don’t see an issue with it tbh.

I’d actively encourage it, it’s healthy. Everyone surely needs their own space

If he doesn't listen or has no interest then you have a problem

If she ha to tell him. She's already got a problem. And "allowed up there" it's her husband not her child. She doesn't get to give permission.

This behaviour contributed to the ending of my relationship at the time. I am the type of person who needs to spend quality time with my partner otherwise I end up feeling distant to them.

After we split and we could have sensible chats he explained he thought it was because he was the type of person who needs time to himself for his mental health to be ok. So we both needed different things and these things clashed!

If you're the same then you need to get a compromise going with him, lay down some guidelines - something you'll both be ok with.

Good luck!

The thing is though, we have plenty of space from each other. DH is up and out in the mornings before I'm up, then gets in at 6. By the time we've rushed round getting the DC's ready for bed and asleep etc, we literally have about an hour and a half/two hours before we're shattered and heading to bed ourselves. We rarely get uninterrupted 'one on one' time and I'm worried this stupid man cave is going to steal what little time we do get. I mean, 8 hours were lost yesterday, so, a great start!

I also think if it was a room comfortable enough for myself and the kids to use, it wouldn't seem so 'this is MY space, and YOU stay downstairs' kinda thing. But there's no way (even when the kids are older) that the DC's would be safe up there and honestly it's so cold I wouldn't wanna sit up there for longer than ten minutes.

I see why you're annoyed about it. It's not even like he's trying to make it habitable up there, he just wants somewhere to be alone. The fact you don't mind him watching his shows with you in the lounge suggests he's being a bit precious about it!

I'd hate this, myself and DP like different shows but we also like to catch up in the evening once DS has gone to bed. Like a PP said, he might watch something that I don't want to whilst I read or potter about and vice verse. He doesn't need a cold room to be in alone. If he's going to have a man cave, he could at least make it so you can go up or the DC's can join for a change of scenery!

It'd be the cold air coming down and cooling the rest of the house that'd do it for me. I'd shut the bloody hatch and let him get on with it.

Getting a straight answer out of DH is like talking to a brick wall,

There's your problem, then, not him wanting a bit of time on his own pottering about in peace.

Mine had a loft. If he was up there too much I let him know and sort it out. He doesn't watch much tv but makes models instead. He's a quiet person who relaxes this way. We've moved and he has an office for his stuff but makes model sitting in the lounge with me and I watch crap telly. We're ok with this set up.

My laptop is so asisonted
asghinthin

OH U NO WHAT I
fucking mean

why did you chooose to have 2 DC with a man whi=o
who

I'm sorry. I'm on codiene
blush or watever

Well I've just been told it's going to get used during daytimes too as he wants to practice guitar up there as well. To which I said 'oh great, so Saturday and Sunday evenings you're going to be up there plus some time during the day too?' And he told me to 'not get shirty with him' as otherwise I'll piss him off 🙄

I can understand your concern but I think you need to wait and see how much time he is spending up there, say for a few week? I am sure you have some sort of idea of how much time you think is reasonable/unreasonable for him to spend up there bearing in mind he should be interacting with you and the children and pulling his weight.

Also, sorry but I have not quite understood, is the loft accessible for you? I wouldn't like it if my DH were shut up somewhere I couldn't pop in and see what he was doing, that smacks of something secretive. Posters are too easy to jump on the 'porn' waggon, we are led to believe all men are obsessed fgs. Whatever it is though it would give me an uneasy feeling if he were spending ages hiding away.

So yeah, the watch words for me are 'time' and 'accessiblity'.

So when exactly are you supposed to spend time together? He’s not being fair at all. It’s fine to have ‘me’ time but he’s taking it too far.

I could climb up the ladder, but ultimately, he knows that I don't like to because it moves about all over the place and truthfully, I'm awful at getting back down a ladder!! Regarding the time - I could have the 'wait and see' approach, but I do know it'll be used Saturday and Sunday evenings and then obviously I found out a few hours ago that it's not just going to be an evening hideaway either.

After we'd got the kids to bed this evening, I asked him outright why he feels he needs an entirely separate room just for himself and that if he explains it all to me and outlines how much time he thinks he's going to be spending in it, then I may not be so worried and left to come to my own horrible conclusions. He didn't say a single word. Not a thing. Just sat scrolling through his phone. I told him he's done nothing to alleviate my fears, then gave up and have come to bed. He's gone to the shops now and I imagine when he comes back I'll be hearing the loft ladder being dragged down.

Doesn't sound great.

Does he usually stonewall you when there's conflict?

So he wants to spend evenings and weekends in his own space.

I’d be asking him if he wants a divorce.

Seriously it sounds like he doesn’t want to spend any time with you, so what is the point of being together?

And I say that as imagine whose Dh has a room where he spends time playing guitar, but he’d never spend all day/evening in there.

*someone whose Dh

I think you need a different tactic.

Stop asking him about it. It's clearly not working.

If I was you I'd wait half an hour of him being up there then shout up breezily "just off out for a bit!" and take yourself to see a friend. Be coy about where you've been.

@category12 100%. Stonewalls all the time. I've tried so many different methods of approaching conversations with him and none of them work. I'm blanked each and every time.

@LizzieSiddal it's basically seeming like any free time he has, he's going to want to spend up there - but then again, I can't know that for certain as he isn't talking to me about the bloody thing.

@chestylarue52 I can guarantee he'd be happy for me to go out - then he could use his man cave without me moaning about it 🙄

So, he told you not to get shitty with him or you'd piss him off. Nice. He's not exactly open to a discussion about it. Closed mind, closed loft hatch, is the way I'd see it. He'll be freezing his nuts off tonight and roasting them in the summer..

Aaaaaand he's back. And down comes the loft hatch.

He put his coat in the bedroom so he knows that I'm awake, on my phone, with the lights on.

I duspect the novelty will wear off quickly. Or you tell him now, before he goes up that there js a minimum amount of nights yoh expect him to be present with you - then tell him how many nights you want with him

This sounds pretty crap and lonely to be honest. I had the same with my DH. I decided to stop moaning and get myself a life so I now spend most evenings out at book clubs, exercise classes, drinks with friends. Fine if he wants his man time but I’ll be damned if I’m spending every eve day indoors on the sofa on my tod. Do what I did. Start using man cave time as mummy goes out time.

This would not be tenable for me - loft issue appears to be a symptom of having zero liking or respect for you. I could not be in a relationship with a man who stonewalled me, spoke to me like dirt and basically told me to put up and shut up.

I doubt it'll stay cold, he'll get a heater and whatnot.

If he's determined to opt out of family life and married life, he could always live elsewhere.